new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Try to stay calm and composed tonight. Try not to think about it anymore. And, your son is not a prodigal son. He's just not wanting to sever all ties with his father yet. Give it time. Try to relax your mind AND get some sleep, you've got work tmr morning.

xx

[ecomama]

Long night.

Son spoke with me about how he felt and what happened.

He said that he said quite loudly from where he was working out the back of the shop "tell him to leave and if doesn't leave immediately then I'm call the Police" and he said to me he would have too. "I'm sick of this shyte and it's only just begun at work".

And we are sick of it.

My kids need the freedom to go to school AND to work unhindered and to feel SAFE from stalking and harassment.

Even as adults.

Time for the gardening thread.

I need to release the pressure in my jaw and fill out all the numbness in my hands. There are only spots of numbness left in my fingers.

Self - care. Who knows what that looks like when a person is in this state.

Pinterest and the gardening thread.

Dreaming of my Balinese styled garden. Heck I might even go all out (later) and buy some plants for it lol. I don't want to buy anything now.... it would be laden with this energy. And remind me of that every time I looked at the poor darling plant.

Off to the gardening thread!!!! You'll find me there lol.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Numb hands ready for combat, you go girl!!!!

I believe you are doing all the right things.

There's a movie out staring Jennifer Lopez called Enough. She takes matters into her own hands learns self defence and beats the sh*t out of the guy that beat her up and stalked her
. She faced him head on and beat him up. Such a powerful woman's taking back your power movie!

And I believe you can do that, take back your own personal power. Heck, you are all taking the steps.

You have a strong story where you are gaining so many avenues of support and documenting things. I love how unafraid you can be!

🌺💞🌺

[ecomama]

Dear monkey_magic.... you mistake my fear for courage.

I feel, dare I say "felt" as in past tense.... SO scared of harm to me and my children and even my pets that it had nowhere to go but be turned into courage.

I realise our own vulnerability.

I also know I don't want to leave my children motherless either through my own demise OR me being charged with an offense in ANY way shape or form. My career wouldn't withstand it for a nanosecond but my children are dependent upon me.

I know my own boundaries of behaviour and refuse to step outside it.... but I can dream lol!!!!

The psych said tonight that I am fiercely protective over my children.

I think ANY normal person would protect ANY child. I most certainly would. I have.

Breathing IN to my new future tonight. ex had better not try anything here at the house.

I know where the children stand on this. Boundaries are set also, so they all know where I stand too.

Gotta get some sleep! A HUGE day at work tomorrow. Working late... yuck... don't like the kids being home without me.

Counselling Thursday morning. I'll ask C about proceeding with Law in this. (ARGHHHHH)

Big family dinner Thursday night again - seems to be a pattern forming.

Time with one ACs family on Friday & the grandkids. Need to think of something to do for them. Maybe bake banana bread lol. Kid's favourite.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hey hun,

I meant taking back your own personal power. You were saying you were vigilant and hypersensitive.

I wasn't literally saying beat the guy up but it would be nice...

The movie Enough is empowering. Just wanted to empower you somehow.

I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

I pray he stays away.

Stay safe
🌺

[Guest_498]

I knew what you meant, Monkey. ahahaha. 🙂

Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi monkey_magic

oh okay!

When I'm in that zone of hypervigilance and full protection, I'm ready for combat. Like an animal being stalked by a predator. Full reptilian senses awakened / amygdala flipped but acute sensory awareness of all things I can see, hear, smell etc.

So I take things literally.

I'm still in that zone now.

I will watch that film but not now.

In slight reflection of last night, I'm surprised Eldest D said what she said.
It shows that she knows me.
She knew I would say to son who was in the grey area of seeing ex, that I would tell him to leave our home and go NC.

I can't believe how much I've changed, I really can't.

But the 1800RESPECT psych said I've changed for the far better..... it's NOW that I "get it".

It was GOOD that I said that to son.

Son who was working said "Yep. He would have to get out."

So in part conclusion of how I reacted: my full bodily reactions of PTSD was not normal BUT my frontal lobe processing to express to son my boundaries IMMEDIATELY and only with split second preparation, show extreme normality.

I DIDN'T dissolve into a puddle of tears. I had a tear or 2 at times but they stopped for full protection mode.

Counsellor tomorrow.

I'm beginning to get a headache now in the front of my head.

YD had a nightmare a week ago. It was a flashback nightmare. Things ex did to her. I listened as she cried but she wouldn't let me near her to hug her (that's ok - it's all about her needs at these times). She's stayed in distant mode since.

I can see grey area son's gf will be a BIG problem. I had to have ALL these conversations in front of her last night. I apologised for that. She comes from a HIGHLY dysfunctional family (join the club!) but there's SO much still going on that she's involved with there. To her all this shyte is "normal". This son probably has the most tendency to be very similar to the dysfunction of ex's family.

He doesn't need someone Willing him off his incredible future he's mapped out for himself.
The straight one.

Setting Boundaries is ONE thing. I found it easier than usual last night. But MAINTAINING these Boundaries to no fault whatsoever is an obstacle laden path.

One I don't want.

I really need God's help. Please Pray for me & us all here.

The first thing I said to the psych on repeat was "This isn't fair. It's just not fair."

Then I read the Full Restoration Prayer, indeed the enemy will flee before me 7 ways.

Psych said to call back... she knows this isn't over.

EM

[monkey_magic]

Morning EM,

Said a prayer last night. 🙏

You've got every right to feel the way you do.

I watched the trailer of the movie Enough on YouTube last night.

When you are up to it and have time I'd love for you to see it.

Take care, I'll be thinking of all of you...🌺🍀🌷

[ecomama]

Thankyou monkey_magic & Blubes for your support last night.

And today.
And always.

Thankyou.

I'm not sure in which threads a few questions / suggestions were posed but I will answer as best I can here.

I have 2 sets of children. Older ones around 30yo with children.

Then my younger set. LOTS of very gentle boys & some pretty tough girls lol. The multiple birth boys had their 18th bday on the weekend hence all the "you're an adult now - don't have to do what your mother says anymore - see us" correspondence from ex (queen demon) + herd of demons.
The rest are all younger than 18.

I've HAD SO MUCH Legal advice about AVOs.

I'm getting more via WLS when I contact them & get call back etc.

I know how much a person has to do to get an AVO.
Here it is NOT simple.

In Qld I would have got one 4y ago when I first lodged.

Here the Police & Duty Solicitor all told me that it's a "charge".
You are "charged" by having one put on you.

ex already fought hard against the very lovely but extremely disorganised Police at the time. They were restructuring & the entire trail was lost for my case. There's more - a mess.

So it fell down.

I can't go through it all again with Police. I would have to gather SO MUCH evidence....MOUNTAINS of it.... re: the children, to even THINK I could engage a Lawyer to represent them.

Don't worry, I'm going to PREP for one with WLS. Add evidence over time. I hate this...

I hate KNOWING ex.... it's a psychopath, cunning, it LOVES the Grandstanding of the Court room. You should have seen it in Federal Circuit Court omg. Insane.

There is ZERO guarantee that it would be successful.

I've had to go PT to care more for YD. She needs my care. I have to STAY PT as she's looking to do Distance Ed to finish high school. Finances will be super tough over the next 3 years whilst I do that. But I don't get a second chance when she's disclosed she's suicidal.
This is IT. NOW.

I have to do ALL I can to support her NOW.

If I spent ALL my money & God forbid, got into DEBT to even TRY for an AVO & lost then not only was all that money wasted, worse, I would be so pre-occupied with Courts again, leaving little time for YD & family (and I've done that for years!)... & have to go back FT leaving YD alone 5d per week, which I refuse to do.

In a nutshell. No dilemma, CHOICES.

It's my choice to support YD & my family. STRENGTHEN them to combat all demonic attempts.
ex creeps closer - I gather more evidence.

Slowly slowly catchy demon.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: Counselling

Please if anyone is reading and scared... please seek help. And if you don't get the help you need or not enough of it - SEEK MORE and never ever ever give up.

YOU are worthy.

Children or no children, YOU are worthy of all the help you need to get out of domestic violence entanglement and family violence. ANY violence.

Seek and you will find.

Today I am feel far more empowered. I was very tired this morning lol. State of life lol. But got my head right and was aware for my Counselling session via phone.

DO NOT DISMISS Counsellors as providing the best support, long term and specific. If you don't find a good one first or 40th time... keep seeking.

Mine is freaking AWESOME.

She was shocked by the 1800RESECT trauma psych's endorsement of my NC Boundary for grey area son. She was shocked I'd made that call alone before speaking to anyone.

Time was of the essence. I had to make a split second decision. I described my Boundary and WHY. I put it on his plate. He decided that night.

YD has not been aware of these convos.

Grey area son spoke to me about it and hugged me again with a LONG hug and said "I never want to lose you". I never EVER want to lose him. He knows that.

It's the future resentment I am aware of this creating. I've spoken with him about this also.
He said he understands.

The wild card is his gf. But there it is.

Feeling ok. Filled up the green bin. Decided to burn off for the next 7 nights in our sweet chiminea on the balcony 😁. That leaves me a week of leave to clean up the mess, deposit the ashes - not sure where in the garden.

I'm enjoying the design and research aspect of planning my Balinese garden. I think this part is more suited to the gardening thread lol.

Adult children and grandkids coming over for dinner tonight - our usual Thursday night thang.

I'm happy the ACs are No Contact with ex. It'll be interesting to see how they speak with the kids tonight. I've asked them to be extremely kind and supportive, and HAPPY. Still a celebration to come this weekend.

Onwards and UPwards.
EM