new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

With your bf's trigger via txt .. May I ask if it was unpleasant or was it because you already had too many other triggers that you felt you couldn't deal with him?
Could you talk and open up to him?

[ecomama]

Hi Bluberry, thankyou for your kind words.

I've been working far too hard and I'm exhausted lol - that's the first flag for me being "off kilter".

I didn't mean to sound mean about my brother, I love him dearly but you know how things are with families - for me I have to seek a deeper motivation with most people. Something I didn't previously do but definitely something that's stood me in good stead since.

I know he loves us. He is supporting a disabled partner who is becoming more disabled as time goes on plus he tries to work 6 days a week but often can't due to his partner.

We know what each other thinks by a look. I know he felt REALLY bad after not knowing the grandchildren's names properly. I always step in to prevent any embarrassment for him, his life is full of embarrassment due to his disability. I feel for him and he knows it.

He IS kind to us, when it's not over the top stressful here lol, mostly he's absent due to above.

BF ...mmmm I know what triggered me. It's part of my frustration with him at times. He has "issues" as we ALL do. So he rants about some of these issues for hours over the phone. I used to offer all the options, strategies, advice, kindness I could.... now I'm mostly silent on those. I need to get off the phone when that happens.

Now I know this is what ex did, this is the trigger. Ranted and carried on for YEARS over exactly the same issues he had. I twisted myself in knots trying to help him. Seriously and honestly did EVERY THING I could. 20y of the same freaking issues ... the solutions were as simple as pie - eating pie not making pie LOL!

It was just for my attention and my labour.

I have a really busy life with the kids etc atm. I don't want to waste relentless hour after hour on the phone listening to the SAME issues - we're heading for 5y now.

I can explain this for me anyway.

EM

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:With your bf's trigger via txt .. May I ask if it was unpleasant or was it because you already had too many other triggers that you felt you couldn't deal with him?
Could you talk and open up to him?

It was not an unpleasant text, BF is really the sweetest person on earth lol.

I could tell him over the phone but IDK if he'd understand me (I've tried before). Although I know he understands "triggers" first hand from his own experiences.

BF has issues around his weight. I don't have any issues with his size, he's beautiful. Gorgeous.
But HE does. More since meeting me, him thinking I have no weight issues (which I've spent years overcoming my own self image etc). He calls me "petite" LOL, I'm not, but it's nice he thinks that omg lol.

His simple text was that he wanted to buy an ice cream maker and explained the voltage etc probably meaning it can be brought here to use with our electricity outlets (he's an engineer and explains EVERY thing lol!).

I said "Seriously I don't ever want you to mention your weight again to me and I'm serious".

He's a "foodie" like me and an exquisite cook.

But buying an ice cream maker when you feel like you can never shift the weight you're unhappy with?
And worse lol.... putting all these complaints upon your GF who can do nothing to help?

Yep it triggered me.

He's brought this problem to the table, HIS problem, not mine, and won't do anything constructive to remediate it.

Signs of ex.

Awful.

He grew up with movie stars all around him. His family owned a helicopter and had it in the helipad on their property... think Cabana lifestyle. Martinis, cigars, Jags, maids, gardeners - just the lifestyle of "normal" people LOL!

I LOVE this about him. His parents ADORED him and his dad still does at 94yo. He has this awesome air of confidence only seen in Americans LOL!

I grew up in a tin shed with a can toilet and no running water. I LOVE this about my family - we SURVIVED and even thrived and built from there. My brother and I both have great Quals and a good amount property. We took and take responsibility for ourselves and look after one another the best we can.

BFs family do too. They're amazing. I love them all.

I grow organic food, garden hard here. He lives in America and take away is the norm.

I do get triggered. I'll share this with BF when I can.

I'm hard with tradies who think they can take liberties, I'm abrupt and cold, leave a HUGE personal space. All good.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hello,
Yes, I do know what family is and can be like. I think you and I are very alike in family matters, given what we've both been through. You had a mother who wasn't so kind and mine mentally abused me to the point where I couldn't get back up...to the point of exhaustion and no self confidence. Her and her evil daughter ruined my life and severely damaged me. So, I understand your somewhat frustrated everytime you see your brother. I feel the same with mine. But I've chosen to sever ties with mine as he's a jerk. I find family relations draining & tiresome. I'm not as busy as you are these days, but I wouldn't be able to fit in anything as exhausting as family relations.
Your relationship with your bf do resemble your relationship with your ex on the 'issues' aspect. And I guess if this has been going on for 5 years now (with same issues, no attempted resolve), it could get tiresome & frustrating for you. The question I would ask is whether he wants to resolve his issues or he's happy to live like that? What I mean is .. a lot of people complain about their issues and do absolutely nothing to change their situation. And no advice that is given will ever be taken on board, despite asking your opinion. This is what I mean. It was frustrating for me when one of my exes did exactly that. He used to confide & asked my opinions & asked for help. When I did, he never took them on board and change his situation. That was frustrating. I couldn't do it anymore.

[Guest_498]

Tradesmen ... They can be pain in the proverbial behind! You need to be firm but polite with them
Humble beginnings can really ground a person, making them down to earth, beautiful people. For others, any iota of success turns them into narcissists (speaking of personal experience).
I hope you do communicate your feelings with your bf, I'm sure he'll understand and perhaps force him to be more mindful of things. Communication is best.
Good luck with tradies today.
Xx

[ecomama]

Hi Bluberry

Yeah my mother was taken away by police decades ago and jailed. Not for long. She even boasts about her experiences in jail - NC ever since that day. She'd had intense MI treatment as a teenager I found out later and told never to have children.

Ahhh. Yeah.

My family virtually disowned me from that day. Scores of them. Lost the lot.

My brother has wavered... I told him not to.
Mother made him "choose", I would never ever do that, I love him far too much to do such a horrible thing and told him that.
So he refused to choose.
But I understand he needs me because of his disabilities at stressful times.
I do all his and his partner's complicated paperwork eg NDIS applications, apply for jobs, take hard headed challenges on on behalf of them - and win.
I love him and need him too.

My other brother passed away and I would never betray the brother I have. They are so precious to me.
But I have had to put a safe emotional distance between us.

When he has hurt me (only a few times), it hurt really bad. It was his partner's sick idea of not supporting me but..... karma's a beach sometimes lol. She has suffered ALOT since and wishes she didn't be so cruel to me now... pretty HUGE gulf of distance there!
There's alot of resentment about me NOT having same disabilities. I know this.
But I am kind and polite and loving when I see them both. It's sincere from my side. I just keep safe now.

In fact brother cleaning out my gutters yesterday (from the potting mix ugh) and clearing the downpipe too... saved the ceiling flooding tonight as it POURED!
He actually came over because he couldn't believe me about the potting mix lol (I still can't believe me either lol) and when he saw the over 12L of potting mix still in the gutters, he felt terrible and stayed for ages helping me with all his equipment to do so.
He was flabbergasted... yeah I was too.
Still am..... hence the nervy and triggery week.

Basically I don't trust anyone 100% anymore and that's a pretty nice stance to have lol!

Brother recommended an electrician for me to use and he would pay some money towards it for my bday present (haven't had a present for years from brother lol).
Omg the tradie came today and WAS AMAZING!!!!!
He did about 8 electrical jobs - 1 REALLY complicated job that no other lecky would do before, was here for 3h.... guess how much he charged me...

EM

[ecomama]

Well I LOVE one tradie lol.
The electrician was SO respectful. Kind. Fast. Knowledgeable. AWESOME.

I Pray they are ALL like that! lol.

And my Uncle travelling to see us next Thursday and work on my home lol.
He's not from my mothers side.
He could only see me and have a relationship with me after my father died.
He had been "forbidden" to contact me by my father all my life.

Anyway Uncle wants to stay overnight and he's pretty HIGH MAINTENANCE lol.
I am going to keep him SO BUSY, he won't have time to look UP lol.

Uncle triggers me because he's so demanding. But I'm getting my buffers in a row lol... hiring my gardener from Thursday morning - he's a lovely buffer and helped "co-regulate" me in the garden when I first entered there after all the destruction... I'm still finding.

Then I have a couple of appts lol... to get out of the house.

Oh the strategies!

I might even ask the lecky to do Stage 2 work whilst Uncle is here.

How are you doing today?
I'll pop into your thread after dinner dear.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hmmm ... For 8 jobs & 3 hours work ... Not 100% but the call out fee alone would be $70 approx.

[Guest_498]

There you go!! And you were so worked up over the tradie!! No, they're not all like yours, there are some horrid ones out there! Glad you've found an awesome one.
Sounds like a plan with your uncle!! As it'll be overnight and he's only there to help with the garden, just .. As you've said keep him busy whilst you do your thing. It'll definately assist with easing your stress level. 🙂

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:Hmmm ... For 8 jobs & 3 hours work ... Not 100% but the call out fee alone would be $70 approx.

No call out fee, he worked hard too.

$150 for the lot!

Getting him back asap lol.

Yeah had a nasty one early in the year. Became really abusive over the phone until I said "Police have told me to record all my calls, so this call is being recorded".

Comes in handy ALOT.

EM lol