new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hi Ems,
Hell noooo, I'm not going down the psych. road, no bloody way!!! Not after everything that's happened to me. I'm scared to death of them.
I just need to simply relive the traumas, get them on paper and send it off, together with those disgusting evidence I have. It's causing me discomfort as I think about it now.
I like the bit where you said "you're choosing to go into a tunnel for an hour" "theres light at end, no matter the outcome". It's really reasonating with me, as I'll have to go into the tunnel to receive whatever outcome. I'm choosing to do this, so .. There's no other way but to go through trauma again.
I will go get counseling, just not now. It's still to painful.
I hope youve enjoyed your day at work today.
Love xx

[ecomama]

Thankyou yes, I "enjoyed" my day at work today. Difficult job and awful things to support people through but I love my job and the people I support. It's a calling more than a job lol, but the pay's good when I clock in.

I thought of you an Prayed hard for you whilst driving about this afternoon for the kids.

Yeahhhh I understand what you mean about not seeing a psych, and not now too. I get that.

I'm not a psychologist, just saying lol. BUT it sounds like you are describing PTSD in your words.

Does that surprise you? I wouldn't ever mean to shock you.

As you are not seeking any MH support besides here for now, could you please work at changing the words you use to describe things?.... I have alot of psychs around me all the time lol, related to one, a neighbour and a few good friends too oh and at work too!

The language we use to describe things is a very powerful reinforcer of those feedback loops that need changing from trauma.

We CAN change them.
It takes mindful work though, and ALOT of concentration.

The reasons why I'm saying this are so many. Untreated (in whatever way we can disperse this for us) is NOT GOOD.

I had had a Counsellor for years and I know she probably helped quell things for me... but with added stressors the PTSD feedback loop's timing became shorter and shorter.
I ended up using dissociation to "escape" it I believe.

Dissociation is NOT GOOD.

I've checked out the strategies I've used with all of the psychologists including the Specialist Trauma Psych. They all got a big tick. So I feel mildly confident that some may work for you, if not all but there are 4 pages of them lol!

Please KNOW that you do not have to "relive" the trauma to describe it in print.
You are not back in that time. The abusers are not with you now.

You are safe.

I've also read alot of research studies on successful treatments for PTSD and also the characteristics of people who HAVE recovered from it.

One thing that stood out like dog's bleeps lol was that one characteristic of all that recovered (in the studies I read only) was that they all practised self-care (SC).

AHA.... THAT.

Hence me putting a SC before the "difficult task" and immediately after it.

"The tunnel" is ONLY for an hour. It's still not "back there". You are still SAFE.

If there's any mantra for you now, it's

I AM SAFE 😄 and indeed you are.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Yes, you're right, Ems. I do have ptsd .. I don't need a specialist to tell me. I know it, as you do. You should further your knowledge, get your degree and become a caring, loving shrink. Xx
The abusers are not with me now and for now, I am safe. I desperately need to get myself off the organisation's system.
Thanks for your prayer today. I prayed last night as i cried, thinking about what happened to me. I feel like crying now thinking about the drugging... I can recall I filled my antidepressant script, Upon picking it up, there were 2 lots dispensed. The chemist asked whether i missed a month. I said "no". The next day, I felt physiological effect of severe constipation & dry mouth. This was set up prior to meeting their psychiatrist. I knew i was drugged. I believe it was my mum who switched the meds, as I was living with her. 😢😢

[ecomama]

Dearest Bluberry, you're suffering from so much more than "mere" PTSD, you're also grieving what you thought you had, a family that loved and supported you.

This can take a very long time to recover from also. I think it took me 10 years to fully accept that I didn't have anyone left anymore. I had grown up in a HUGE family, we had beautiful family gatherings more than weekly. It was like a huge Italian family I would describe us as, so close.

So many families betray a member. I was also betrayed far too many times to count tbh.
Also by mother. She's not my mother any more. I have no family left, none of that family anyway.

I'm hugging you through your grief and shock and disbelief that family could do this.

I wish it wasn't so for you.
It's very sad and bewildering for sure.

I'm glad you came to BB and are getting support this way.
I'm happy you are making plans to deal with the biggest thing because soon this will be over.

This time is a "dibbit" in your life but it will not define your life, but only if you forge forward.

There's a beautiful thread here about Manifestation and the Law of Attraction.

Looking forward to things "after" is extremely important, whatever they may be. GO WILD with your bucket list, why not.

Lol, I have 3 degrees already in my field lol! Ain't going back to that form of study in any foreseeable future lol. I study lots in my work. Have another research paper to study for it.
After being warned that "all" of our jobs were under threat a month or so ago... I Prayed and put it out there for my job to remain secure and ..... 10 days later an announcement was made and as I examined the emails about it all... I realised I was the only person out of 50+ at my workplace with ALL the degrees to cover a huge Initiative. It's trickling down from the boss realising this and she is SO grateful I'm there. Many other sites have no one with these Quals.
So my job is super secure for now at least!

I hope you can squeeze lots of SC into your days.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

You're lucky to have a good & safe job. Hehe.
I'm hoping & praying that this will be over soon, and that 'law of attraction' eventually catches up to the people involved in this scam.
Agreed family betrayal is awful and its painful. It's just heartbreaking and devasting. I'm just wondering how youve managed to heal after severing your ties with your family members? I'm struggling to cope. I just hope things will get better for me, as Ive suffered enough. I keep asking god when the suffering will end for me.

[Guest_498]

Self care: I want to forget and NOT think about my traumas.
Self care: I want lock down, curfew to end & businesses to reopen.
Self care: I'd like to go to cafes, restaurants, pubs, shopping, beauty salons.
Self care: I want to make new friends, create a solid support network and call them family. It's unrealistic, maybe. But I do know good people do exist. I'm sure of that.
You seem to be doing ok, so I can't pray for you tonight. I did the other day after you vented about your trauma with your ex & property. 🙂

[ecomama]

Dear Bluberry

You are justifiably angry and upset.

The way I "got over" losing my family?
I did alot of things.
I had to change my thinking entirely... from depressive thoughts to hopeful thoughts of the future I was looking to build.
BIG dibbits happened ...

But originally I can honestly say that I healed through gardening. We were dirt poor. I needed to grow food. I found networks to support growing organic food. Got a Scholarship to study this too. (This is not my career though).

Grew stacks of food - way too much.
Ate amazing various organic food.
Sold it.
Traded it.

Joined more and more community networks.
It was a wonderful new beginning and new life for me.
I made friends with some of the most beautiful people ever.
Vibrant and GOOD and altruistic.

Each person's "key" and "formula" may be different. They key for all people would be persistence, perseverance, determination to recover. Never ever ever give up.

I didn't tell you but I also Pray for those who shall not be named... that the Truth comes out.

Your self-care list is interesting!
Have you had a squiz at Kristen Neff's talks online?

Wishing you all the best for your healing.
Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hehe, those self cares were more wishful thinking!!
Thanks for being a good friend and amazing support for me. I'm here for you too. Just reach out anytime.
Sleep tight, sweet dreams. Ill check in tomorrow
Love xx

[ecomama]

Hi Bluberry

I had a crazy busy day. Had to make yuck calls, we'll see the result in a month. Finger's crossed!

I triggered this morning after reading a post here.... I was shaking but not full on PTSD. More like the beginning of it... I replied quickly & got on with my day.

I texted my brother asking him if I could borrow a longer ladder & told him about the potting mix & pavers in the tank palaver... he was shocked via text lol.
Then he turned up with the ladder AND cleaned out all the potting mix, inspecting it and indeed guaranteeing it WAS potting mix (yeah I know no one would believe this garbage) AND THEN he got on the roof (3 stories high) & cleaned out all the rest. He was handing so many buckets of soil down to me.

Then my eldest D came over and lol... the grandchildren didn't know who my brother was! And my brother forgot the grandchildren's names!

I think that hit my brother hard, he went bright red - I smoothed things over by repeating kids names loudly etc... so my brother stayed & mingled with the family for an hour or so, which was all very surprising.

I guess that's what happens when you have next to nothing to do with your family.

I also phoned my Uncle who lives a long distance away & he's extremely unwell - it's his pancreas.
He insisted on visiting next week.... he was estranged from me for almost all my life.
Anyway I feel weird that he's visiting. He wants to work on the house. That triggered me a bit too.

I hired my gardener for the same day lol and also have an appt with a child that day.
Children asked how I was going to get a break from that Uncle lol.... I told them about the gardener being a buffer & an appt too.

Then my bf triggered me too! Long story there but just via text today I was triggered.

3 male triggers, not by my brother though.

Heavens. Luckily I've learnt lots of processes to go through but I didn't have the time to fully go through them today to ground myself completely until I felt centered.

I have an electrician coming tomorrow whom I've never met.

I know I have major issues with men around me.
Also with unknown men inside my home - tradesmen I mean.

EVERY man who comes into my home tells me what do to, like I'm blind or stupid or something.
eg "Did you know if you cut these trees down you'd have better water views?" etc etc etc about every nook and cranny I am not employing them to comment on.
Seriously?
I feel like saying something cutting back... but I don't.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hey darling,
Just breathe in, exhale out. Keep doing that. Breathe in, and out. Tackle one thing first ...
You sound panicky and uneasy about your uncle & brother. Especially your uncle. Your brother, you just tolerate (if I'm picking up your language correctly). Great save with the names of your kids btw, I would've done exactly the same thing in your position. 🙂 If you feel uneasy about your uncle coming 'round, just politely tell him that you cannot simply cancel your appointment. He'll understand.
Tradesmen are notorious for extrapolating money from unsuspected women. I've had 'nice' ones who would recommend this & that, to keep themselves'employed'. I can relate. I think most of us can. Again, the tactic here is to politely decline. Or agree (as I sometimes would) and say "I'll give you a call when I need it done".
Good luck with the results - ill pray for you tonight before bed.
Breathe darling, and tackle these issues, piecemeal.
Love xx