new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Grandy

Thankyou for your birthday wishes. They are appreciated SO MUCH!

I'm sorry the content here has triggered you 😣, I should have put a Trigger Warning up at the start... we never know where our threads will lead to, so I apologise. Hugs.

Thanks for the pav over in the Cafe! You're so sweet & we have exactly the same taste buds lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy21

Thankyou for my birthday wishes, you're so sweet.

Thankyou for being there too, with a pick me up suggestion, just when I need it lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Mara in our other "loungeroom" lol.

Thankyou for your birthday wishes. Being here on my birthday certainly helped!

Yeah maybe there's some resentment in my children towards me. I've asked them before. But it sends them to tears and apologising and saying how terrible they are. But they're not terrible and I've never said they are.

I guess it's just hard.

And that week, similar to the weeks before were very hard for me indeed.

Eldest D was angry with them but held back thank goodness. It's just not worth being angry at them. They've suffered enough. They are lovely children, too lovely to undeserving people IMO (just like I've been, so I've reminded them I HAVEN'T been a good role model there). They try hard at school. Work hard at their jobs. Are lovely to each other.

I'm glad my bday has passed lol!

Eldest D came with a huge feast for us last night. She cooked and toiled all day, even took the day off work (in her own business) and brought it to us.

I am grateful they made the time. It was busy but we liked each other's company which is the best I can expect at their ages lol!

Thankyou Mara

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: good stuff / hard stuff... Trigger Warning.

The GOOD stuff first lol.
Loved all the birthday wishes from the lovely BB members. Thank you all so much.
Nice dinner last night. I thanked eldest D lots. She pulled it together all by herself & made it wonderful.
People at work remembered. That was weird lol but warm.

Felt much better at work today than I did yesterday lol!

The hard stuff
Got a call back from one place re: psychological support for SA for YD yesterday.
What sent me reeling back universes was the voice mail from a MAN.
I'm getting wobbly recalling it.

I can't understand that. It would have worse impacts for others just new to this search. I cannot believe it.
I guess feedback to this group is necessary?

Why put a man on this job when my session with them clearly pointed out it was men who were the perps?

Bedraggled. Not sure if I CAN contact them again.

TODAY a wonderful psychologist, trained by Cara Care called me back. She was so calming, kind & informative for us. She's fully booked to the hilt, local, trains others too! But cannot take YD until next year.
She gave me SO MUCH further information.
This was time she gave me (and YD) of her own volition & without being paid - THAT'S a first from a psych lol. Besides my childhood friend ofcourse.

Anyway I have a NAME. yay. The psych only had ONE name... in this hugely populated area... just one she'd recommend.
I feel a long wait coming up but waiting for a GOOD one is better than what YD has been through already IMHO and IME too now.

I WILL take on Croix's suggestion and give feedback if there's the avenue to do this regarding the brick walls I faced.

The psych suggested 'Somatic Experiencing.." FB page which YD said she would look up. Plus Eldest D will too.

Plus she said to get a few more 'alternative' therapies going also (much like 1800RESPECT on the side)... they could both sense the outside the box things we would do.

They BOTH said that depending upon ONE psych for everything was not the right strategy for YDs healing. Integrating many things indeed provides the best outcomes lifelong for YDs recovery.

So off we go lol.
A lady we know does all sorts of stuff & has trained so much in the healing arts.

Eldest D is giving us all a pamper day wow!!!

SO much to do, book, attend, life to be lived.

YD told her brothers she's leaving school. So she's more or less made up her mind and I'm very happy for her doing this.

Getting there...

EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

So proud of your eldest D for making sure your birthday was celebrated. She is obviously as open hearted as her Mum. I'm sure your youngest will get there eventually especially with your eldest D setting such a good example.

I forgot to mention in other lounge room that I do find some of the discussions on here triggering at times. When I have something big to deal with, I have done enough work to know what I need to do and usually that is to step back and as a wise friend said to me once "put the oxygen mask on me first" It doesn't mean I'm not thinking of others, it's just that I have limited resources and I need to get through whatever it is and that's where my focus needs to be at that time.

I'm pleased you have a name of a psych for YD. Re: the male psych/counsellor contacting you, I know it may seem odd that they would do that but I thought I would mention that my psych worked with SARC here for years and he is brilliant. I saw several females before him and got no where, I needed to see a man to do the work I needed to do. YD might not be ready for that yet but in the future it might be good for her to look at it with a male. For me, I have to say the my relationship with my psych would be the healthiest relationship I have with a male. Being able to be angry in a session with him, to experience his compassion and empathy, confirmed for me that all men are not the same. It certainly helped me to open up and let DH in. Just thought I'd mention my experience.

YD is fortunate to have you advocating for her. I'm sure it will make all the difference to her recovery. It certainly sounds like you have a plan going forward for her. I truly hope she connects with her new psych, it makes all the difference. Somatic work is good. I have done some of that in the past. Probably need to do more but because of the enormity of the trauma I've experienced somatic work can push me to the edge. However, I know that it has it's place in the healing process and I'm sure it will be of benefit to YD.

Well I'll leave it there. I'm exhausted after today. I'm going to go make a nice cuppa and watch a comedy.

Take care

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou dear spotty Mara lol, thankyou for your kindhearted post.

I think the abuse for both of us is very much triggered by men atm. I know "safe" men. But just a stranger who's a man ... no. YD knows the same safe men too. All of her brothers are extraordinarily protective of her and the friends who visit here are too.

Slowly slowly she is gaining some trust but she most definitely observes them for a long time before extending herself at all. Her bosses (all but one lol) have been VERY good in building her trust again, so I think her recovery is having them in her life also. Ofcourse they don't know what she's been through but many of them are extraordinarily kind... maybe modelling how her brothers treat her in the workplace... they all work at the same place.

Your post is very thought provoking. Thankyou so much.

Yes indeed eldest D is magnificent in making us feel loved. She is the sunshine of our lives! She bounces in SO excitedly when she visits and sometimes we each just want to cry in her arms... she does the same sometimes too.

ex son in law was a man we all trusted so much and he did bad stuff to us all.

I hope I'm wrong when I say it's the worst mistake she's making engaging with him again.

At least she's keeping in touch often.

I'm exhausted. Huge week at work and at home.

Love EM

[Ggrand]

Hello Ecomama...

Please don’t apologise to me, you have no reason too...Some threads trigger me when I hear people have been treated badly, as I have been by the people who should have loved and cared for me...I’m really sorry for the way you and your family have been treated..my heart goes out to you and your daughter..

You are a very strong and loving mother and person..you should be so proud of you..

I would like to say if it’s okay..I really hope your ED will be okay with engaging with her ex. again,,,Most people do not change in their hearts, but will change in their words just to get what they want...I am so pleased ED is keeping in touch with you...

Please take care of you as well dear eco...

sending my care, love and hugs..🦋💜🤗.

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Thankyou Grandy

DO you know when I see your name come up on a thread, I want to race to read it lol... I just KNOW what you say will be like a HUGE warm hug.

We need more huge warm hugs. You're such a beautiful soul.

I'm sorry people treated you badly.
It's such a crime against humanity having people like this in our lives and in the world.

I agree and start to cry when I think about it for more than a second lol, my eldest D is indeed in the radar of a destructive human. She's the sun and he's a dark void.
They have their children to raise "together" which is the latest thing and I know this.
It's the cycle of violence and ex doing the buy back thing, saying almost everything she wanted to hear for years.

IDK it's not my life but it does affect me so negatively and so deeply.

Thankyou for all you do on the forums, comforting people in their times of often desperate need.
So many of us come here when we are so desperate.
Desperate for support and acceptance.

You most definitely give that to us.

Thankyou Grandy

Love always
EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Well I certainly am spotty ATM. I look like I have some form of the plague. Lol.

You know YD better than anyone and I know you would chose a therapist that you feel would best suit where she is currently at. I only mentioned my experience because I saw numerous women and really got no where it wasn't till I started see my current psych that I started processing all the SA and the rape. The work he gave me was confronting but it worked for years until I got triggered 18 months ago. I have come to realise with PTSD that there will be times when things will need to be revisited. I just thought I'd mention my experience. Ultimately you know what's best for YD. Thankfully she has you to advocate for her.

I truly hope your ex son in law has turned over a new leaf. Your eldest D sounds lovely as I'm sure all your children are. She deserves to be treated with love and respect. I hope that he is able to do that for her.

In the meantime I hope she stays happy and safe. I'm glad she staying in touch with her wise Mama.

Much love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara (less spotty I hope!)

Ofcourse I take your own experiences on mightily and I thank you for offering such kind guidance for me and my girls. I am SO GRATEFUL you found your psych and I totally get why you're still seeing him lol.

Maybe later YD would be open to seeing a male psych IF one eventuates. For now I have a number to call and all the ones so far have been women. The male returned a call from an organisation I phoned earlier. It's in another state but it was great they called back! lol.
Him being a man an all just took me aback Universes.

Thankyou, and I will always keep your story in mind. In fact I told YD that a lady online has been seeing Psychs for a VERY long time. Plus YD knows I've done so many other therapies to aid in my recovery too... she's almost open minded now lol. She's young. We'll see.

I'm putting a Trigger Warning on my next post so please avoid.

Love you lots
EM