new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update: TRIGGER WARNING...

I saw my specialist trauma psych today... mmm not very impressed. The entire session and I didn't get the full amount of time... was spent with her collecting data from me... question after question but NO help.

My own work involves data collection and then IN PERSON work... I know the difference.

I'm leaving it now.

After psych I visited my friend who's dying. T I called her before. She has more conditions found by accident when she was hospitalised after an accident recently.

We spoke of her nephew who was killed in a car accident this year... he was a teenager. Then the death of her own son. There's more but it would mean so many more trigger warnings. We both cried and hugged alot. I told her about YD and ED and we cried more.

Both T and I have been in extreme DV r/shps. She is still there.

Some times nothing makes sense.

I didn't "trigger" but it made me realise all the reasons why I've been SO SAD.

And in reflection of what psych said to me enough and the other things... I realised that psych SHAMED me. By not understanding DV whatsoever and asking common questions any person on the street would ask, she shamed me deeply.

So I have been feeling deep remorse, been full of guilt at the harm ex and ex sil did to my children.

My Counsellor said to me once... "the perpetrators don't feel guilt or remorse, did you know that?"... no.

But what do I DO with these feelings? The all consuming pain, the weight of the pain of the worst remorse I could explain... YD is HERE with all of this that burdens her because of ex....

But I can't go there without my Counsellor. I need to plug that up completely until then.

It's just too toxic and paralysing and depressing and immobilising.

The only things I can do, involve IMPROVING YDs life and all of our lives around her, so she can SEE and FEEL and EXPERIENCE what the love of life means.

I'm devastated all over again. The psych put me back there. With no acknowledgement and no care.

Maybe in a few months if I feel like it (if covid restrictions allow) then I'll do some hypnotherapy for PTSD.

I like that I haven't "PTSD triggered" for months now... I can thank psych for helping alot there... but I've used up all she's got. She just didn't have the compunction to say so.

My Counsellor is an Angel, I'm grateful she's hung in there with me lol.

EM

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I will keep it brief as I'm in too much discomfort. I did read your update but my brain can't focus ATM to reply properly. You are a wise woman and will make the right decisions for your self and your family.

I have replied to you on my thread. I will leave it there as I need to go take an antihistamine. I am so regretting letting the specialist burn so many things off at once. Oh well you live and learn. One day closer to recovery...….

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Thankyou for posting.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain from so many things being burnt off.

It's too much

I hope you heal very VERY quickly!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: realisations

It takes me up to a week or so once someone presents new information or shocks me by a statement to get it. It can take even longer to connect the dots on how I've reacted if it goes without check.

I realised that by STPs statements a few weeks ago ie sic "You appear to me to be a strong woman, how could you end up in a DV situation? Why didn't you just leave?" etc etc

Like talking about re-fencing the paddock after the herds of cows left...

I KNOW NOW how I ended up in DV. It was because I married a psychopath. That's how. And more..

But her statements... like accusations... led me to full guilt, remorse and shame over the psychopaths SA of my youngest D and more.

I was being blamed for being in a DV r/shp so it connected within me to me being blamed for the SAs.

I did not do this to my baby girl and children. I know that, my children know that and my God knows that.

Shame, blame, guilt, remorse and more... all misplaced.

I phoned the SA Helpline this morning and the Counsellor was wonderful.

I can't shake those feelings and reactions. I don't know HOW to.

The SA Counsellor gave me more paths to follow up for YD. I was so relieved.

The ones I've called are all FULL. How sickening is that. SA Counsellors for CHILDREN all full up, closed books.

I'm furious that this plague infects our most precious ones. I have to keep stopping, I can't go there either.

YD is doing an inherited trait in our family - becoming a workaholic. Whatever works for now. It won't work forever.

I'm more determined than ever now. The depression has been replaced by anger. Fine by me.

I have lots to do for YD and all of us.

IDK how I stumbled across M. Scott Peck's book online last night "The People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil" but it's my next purchase.

"I aim to be on the devil's top 10 hit list" was a perfect meme I saw once.

No way is this sh** beating us lol! We are TOO GOOD to destroy. And so are all the children.

Love and HEALING to you all
EM

[Croix]

Dear EM

No, you are not in a good situation, and the feelings ramp up until they tend to exclude paths that are not habitual

Self-blame, remorse, guilt, trying to make up for it all are habitual and therefor an easy paths to travel down. When I talk of you being injured this is part of what I mean.

Of course abusers feel noting akin to this, probably frustration a controlled supplicant has escaped and time to find another.

Abusers push your buttons to make you into the image they want, you too must learn to push other buttons to relieve remorse, guilt and the rest. Trying to make up for it with kids seems to me to be, in an obvious way a good thing -they benefit- but it also seems to leave you admitting you have done something wrong -something you have to make up for. In that way it is a reminder.

The buttons you have to push I don't know, but I suspect if you see them in that light you have enough self-knowledge and intelligence to start to get a glimmer of an idea.

With your question-asking psychiatrist, she started that way and improved.

Do you think a frank talk of what you expect might be in order rather than just giving her away. There might be some sense behind it rather than just running out of ideas. Worth a try? If she is stuck them by all means tell her so (solely for her benefit of course) and depart.

I have found talking with someone who is dying is of course highly upsetting, and huge past events seem to become topics of conversation, only natural as you wish to acknowledge them and share the suffering, however I've found the inconsequential, the joke, the normal every day blather helps too. A person is facing strange territory when they know that their lives are about to come to an end, and some normality as a grounding can be very helpful.

>My Counsellor is an Angel, I'm grateful she's hung in there with me lol.

Perhaps 'hovered' might be a more appropriate metaphor considering the extra physical attributes that host have.

Croix

I'm not sure your hat 's it.

[ecomama]

THANKYOU Croix, have you ever considered Counselling? lol.

Your ability to make the emotional side of life into more rational segments, is just what I was saying to YD this morning. I haven't worked it out lol & will probably spend the rest of my life trying to.

I respect your words very much. You seem to hit nails square on their heads. IDK how you do it BUT I'm ever so grateful you do this for me! I get it!

My conversations with psych friend, work psych but also ED has a psych degree lol PLUS my neighbour is a psych, yep! I need THAT many around me, the convos are rich about feedback from what my STP has said to me.
I only give a short summary here.

There's more to this background info that I won't share because it will ID me.
Suffice to say that I'm gaining a longitudinal study of some of STPs other patients... AND IT'S NOT GOOD.

This hit me yesterday when I saw another of her patients I'm extremely close to... this person has been going downhill SINCE seeing STP. Long story.
I also know someone who works in STP clinic, so have inside info.

I know STPs clientele is majority "first responders" who've been 'forced' to see STP for compliance for return to work. STP has become jaded by these processes & her stock standard "type" of patient.

STP thought she "knew" me but she's been way off the mark far too many times.

On going back through my own notes, I see STP has used 2.5 sessions to collect data only.
SHE TAUGHT ME NOTHING.

She made no sense with her line of questioning, but for data. In fact I'd probably humiliate her & most definitely anger her to tell her so.

She doesn't have the integrity to say "Well ecomama, I've given you all I got for the PTSD stuff, put distance between appointments and see how you go" or some such.

In my field I have to upskill others very quickly, collect data at entry point & monitor progress.
I see how they go implementing what I've taught. See how they generalise their new knowledge & skills. Collect data at exit, when they exit.

I act with integrity & humility over arrogance because client's progress are my major aim, I refer clients on to so many other professionals if I feel they need this for their progress.
Others in my field think they're Gods & don't.

STP thinks she's a God. I'm moving on. I don't need signing off for compliance. I will not listen to her arrogant statements that show her ignorance.

I'll not let her harm me anymore.

I WILL IMPLEMENT what you said! It made total sense!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Croix

I completely skipped over the out of the box (the box being my head lol) perspective you gave to me re: how I'm feeling about children's SAs ie trying to make up for deficits I didn't cause by taking responsibility for the harm... is that what you meant in a nutshell?

I felt alot freer after remembering what you said this morning.

It gave me more of a "strengths based approach" which I'm much better at lol... rather than a CONSTANT deficit model approach... which I am so very much struggling with for them. Most esp for YD since her harm was life long till disclosure.

In fact the deficit model makes me panic - I don't know what to do...

My Counsellor said "just be her mum, the number 1 thing we know by research is IF the mother believes the child? Then their recovery is so much more successful.."
OFCOURSE I believe YD & any child... I've had so many disclosures from children & they happen in the most casual of ways... eg while they're colouring in... and as the words come out describing the most atrocious acts... I simultaneously feel like vomiting.

YD WANTS the recovery she saw in me... I've slowly explained that YES the STP helped with flashbacks BUT it was SAFELY EXPOSING my self to the things that frightened me that is "exposure therapy"..

omg Croix the child has taken that & run with it! I had no idea!

She came in late last night after work AND TOLD ME how she did something that she would previously NEVER have done. It was in a "safe environment" being work... she allowed a male to talk to her 1:1... normally she would move closer to a group of other workers who are female..

She said how she survived it lol, "it felt weird... but "ok".. anyway I survived it" then laughed.
So she said she did the next one... & survived that one too.

She's finding her own strength. Phewwwww.

I'll still follow up with Victim's Services & MH support for YD.

I may have to pull out the Letter from the Royal Commission for free therapy for our family for the rest of our lives...

Also a son who's planning to join the Police force (ughhhh) talked to me this morning again about it... I remembered that long ago it was the POLICE who Counselled me through the understandings of DV with mother... they really "got it" & quickly. Then more recently the Police Social Worker & JIRT Counsellor too.

STP is missing a huge chunk in her knowledge base & thereby her skills to be able to support victims of DV / FV... she hasn't got a clue.

Police were brilliant.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear EM~

Yes that is exactly what I meant, helping someone and standing by them becuse you love them is one thing, you do certainly do that, but are more driven.

Your YD's revelation is heartening, as is anyone associated with you, such as a son, joining the police. It is a complex life where one often has to do things one might prefer not to however his understanding will bear fruit

Croix

[Guest_498]

Hi Ecomama,

Thanks for leading me to your post. I will not to be intrusive or ask questions about anything that hasn't been disclosed. Just wanted to let you know that I hear you, feel you, and understand where you are in life. I'm living it too, on many fronts. Family life can be very challenging and they do hurt you. It is the worst kind of pain, to be hurt by the ones you love and thought loved you too. In family dynamics involving abuse - physical or mental - they leave deep and long-lasting scars to the victim and healing from the abuse often take a very long time to recover from. Hang in there, you're doing really well in coping and surviving! Don't give up. I'm here for you. 🙂

[Guest_498]

May I ask you 1. did authorities listen to you right away when you reported over the years? 2. at any stage, did you wanted to give up due to vilification and reprisal on your reputation? I ask because this is how I feel.

Sometimes I feel that no one will care, and no one will listen to my story. The feeling that I mightn't be believed is deterring me from taking action. 😞