Needing some advice please

[Somebodyhelp]

Hello,

I am new to posting but I am feeling VERY low tonight and really in need of some advice on how to overcome a few things. I will do my best to keep it short and will summarise a lot.

I am a young mother (I have 3 children).

Growing up I lived in quite an abusive household. My mother is a narcissist and she was verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. I have been no contact with her now for 3 months as she is still very poisonous.

I am currently seeing a psychologist as I would like to heal. My biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother and inflicting pain on my family like she did. I am petrified of becoming her.

anyway, today I was at a friends house They repeated a story that I apparently told them when we were in high school and It was a lie.. a complete lie. I am sitting here now remembering some of the things I told people - I used to be a compulsive liar.. like, out of this world made up stories. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I couldn't even cough up the truth when they said it..

It has really depressed me as I am not sure why I felt the need to do this when I was younger. My life was dramatic enough lol. Although, I'm not sure anyone was very aware of what was going on in my house as my mother is "quite the woman" in this small town - I do not understand where on earth I could of even thought these stories up.

I feel very hopeless right now. I feel like I will never not be able to become my mother and it would be safer if I was alone.

[Croix]

Dear Somebodyhelp~

I can very much sympathize with you over your mother, and I'm very happy to say I'm nothing like mine at all - and no temptation to become so. I'll tell you why I say that.

I was born into a very correct establishment 'pillars of society' family in the U.K. a long time ago. My mother was the dominating member of the family group, with a completely self-absorbed life in which no one could do anything other than what she said. She had very rigid views and prone to tantrums and similar lapses. A completely poisonous lady.

You description of your mother is kinder than I the thoughts I have of mine.

I'm not using modern technical terminology to describe her, just the old fashioned words I'm used to. When I wanted to get married my intended was found to be 'unsuitable' and the marriage forbidden. I went ahead anyway and was disinherited. I then lived 25 years with this 'unsuitable' lady in complete love.

I was, and am, capable of giving and receiving love. My mother wasn't - you don't disinherit someone you love, even after a serious disagreement.

So what am I saying? My wife was in an excellent position to judge and told me I could not have been more different in inclination and actions. My mother was an example to me - of exactly what not to do, plus by
disinheriting me I learned to stand on my own feet and what the important things in life really are.

Many years later when she was very old I met her again, out of pity, but she had not changed, poisonous to the end.

You have an excellent chance to not go down the same pathway as your mother, in fact with your frame of mind and love of your family & children I'd think it most unlikely.

On the other matter, children from unhappy households do make up tales, it's that simple. Embarrassing later on perhaps, but not a great big deal. Growing up one tends to leave such habits behind.

I've thought about such children and their tales. I'd guess -and it is just a guess - that they want a temporary relief, perhaps sympathy, perhaps envy, in any case something different from what they are stuck with - a denial perhaps.

Anyway a natural response or coping mechanism for an unhappy situation. It might make you feel bad now having told tales, but looking at it from outside, it's just a very small thing.

You are not safer alone, you have love and warmth to give, please do not deny it to others out of misguided fear.

Please post back and say how you are getting on,

Croix

[blondguy]

Hello Somebodyhelp

Welcome and good on you for having the courage to post....Its takes a lot to reach out as you have done!

Firstly you wont end up being like your mum.

I think you are an amazing pro-active person where your health is concerned (and being a loving mum too) 🙂

I had the same upbringing as you and have 'learned in reverse' where my parents child rearing skills are concerned.

You have already engaged a counselor which is a huge step in being your own boss and being able to bring your wonderful children up in the best way you know how.

You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about when you told your friends a story that wasnt true. You wouldnt be the first person to have done that. Its also in the past and there is little you can do to change it...We are human and we make mistakes....please dont beat yourself up over something that is in the history books

You are very strong even by admitting to telling a story that wasnt true. That also makes you amazing!

Please dont feel hopeless....You are far from it. I see an incredibly strong person who doesnt know what a great person she really is

I know you wont become your mum or have the faults that you have mentioned....

You will retain your individuality, strength and the talent you already have as a great mum 🙂

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you as many of us have had a similar upbringing

I understand as I have had acute anxiety followed by depression for a long time

you are not alone here

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[Jacko777]

Hello SBH, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling, it's understandable that you feel this way and I think many people would relate. You can be petrified that you will become like your mother or, you can be determined that you won't. You will benefit so much from some time with a professional I think, talk through this stuff, it's great that you are seeing someone.

Forget your mum for now, you are on a new journey to find your SELF. There will be bits of mum in there no doubt, just take the positive bits. I practice letting go of things I cannot change or control, I don't want to waste my precious moments on something that is out my control. I want to focus on positive things in the moment that will determine my future.

I think you can let yourself off the hook for things that happened at school, talk to your doc about this, perhaps it was a way of coping at the time. It sounds like it really didn't hurt anyone, time to let it go, you are forgiven.

Be proud and satisfied that you are on a great journey, NOT to be your mother! Know that you won't be like that because you have decided to get help and work on it, every small step each day brings you closer to where you want to be and you are getting help to make sure you are taking the right steps. Now sit back, thank your self for having the brains and guts to make some changes, take some satisfaction as you deserve. x

Jack

[Somebodyhelp]

Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It is very comforting to hear someone who has been given similar circumstances and come through the other end safely, happy and healthy.

Believe me what I think of her is not so kind, but I do feel sorry for her. the thing is, I try so hard not to be her , I am SO confused. I don't know what's right or wrong, unless I stick by the book. I am too bluntly honest now. I would never do anything wrong because I do not know what's right. I am so scared to say things in case it's wrong. I am just a "compliant housewife" these days as I don't know what I can do and say. It's horrible and detreimental in itself.

I hope to find some strength one day like you have. Thank you again!

[Somebodyhelp]

Wow, thank you so very much Paul!

You brought me to tears .. such kind words.

I will just have to trust myself a little more and continue getting the help I am getting. I cannot wait to feel free of my upbringing, I cannot wait to live without the fears that I have and I cannot wait to feel like I am valuable. That will be a great day.

Thabks for taking the time to post and thank you for having such nice things to say!

[Somebodyhelp]

Thank you Jack! What you wrote resonates closely with my thought pattern. I am very determined not to be her, I may always be scared .. maybe because I still can't pinpoint exactly what she is. I'm in a big cloud of confusion still. I am only 24 and it has been a big few years of realisations, learning & growing. I am sure I have many more to go.

thank you for your understanding and for responding to my post. Very grateful that you have taken the time to write.

[blondguy]

No worries Somebodyhelp 🙂

You are a legend 🙂

You have taken the time to respond individually.....Thankyou so much for making everyone's day!

I really hope you can stick around the forums 🙂

You are a breath of fresh air

You wont become your mum.....you have your own road to travel as the great mum you are.

'Learning in Reverse' is just doing what YOU think is best.....and you have the courage to it....

Nice1 Somebodyhelp 🙂

Paul

[Somebodyhelp]

No, thank you! You really made my day much better.

What a fantastic forum with people who can relate. Glad I found it 🙂

I have no doubt you will see me pop up again ha ha.

Have a great day!

[Croix]

Dear Somebodyhelp~

Thanks for your reply, I'm glad it was a bit of a help. As you can see many understand and think you are pretty good.

There is one thing however where I believe you are mistaken, you mentioned:

I hope to find some strength one day like you have

To think I was particularly strong is not right. I had to do things because I had no choice. When cut off from family resources I had to make money, support a household and my partner, and because I loved here her was no way I could abandon her to avoid my parents' ire.

I also has love to go to - amazing.

I believe that true strength is not doing great deeds, it is managing to survive and go on despite the bad that life can throw at us, and to slowly climb up from horrible situations - all of which you are doing right now.

So who is strong?

You do raise a point about doing 'what is right'. Like you, having had only the experience of family life from my own background. I spent a long time feeling my way in the relationship, and then later with a child.

I guess my own gut feelings , my partner, and accepting that I was not always going to get it right got me though without major disaster. I was most fortunate in having a forgiving person at my side.

In a nutshell my heart was in the right place as is yours (anyone can see that) and Paul's learning in reverse is what you are doing now.

Please believe in yourself, it's justified

Croix