Can't do it alone anymore

[TBella]

I ended up with PTSD 5 years ago as a result of working for an abusive, violent man, who also had leadership role in church! I also injured my neck working for him & now live with chronic pain. I was sexually abused as a child & also grew up in domestic violence- my dad a Vietnam Vet suffered with PTSD also but went undiagnosed until the 1990's

i also have 7 other medical conditions related/ connected to PTSD! I've had to deal with it alone for past 5 years as all my friends left me & ive not heard from them since telling them I have PTSD & depression! This added deep grief to the mix to deal with as well . 5 years is along time to deal with it all alone & I ve come to the point where I can't do it alone anymore. I need some support & connection!

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you, TBella.

You have come to the right place for connection and support. Well done and welcome to the community.

Dealing with a traumatic past is difficult a it is. Doing it alone adds another negative dimension to it all. Some friends indeed...unfortunately, adversity helps us figure who's really on our side through thick and thin. It hurts to realize that those relationship we trusted can so easily come to nothing. They can't have been the real friends that you deserve...but it still leaves a void, doesn't it ?

We are all different but I can understand some of your distress. I also come from a history of child abuse, sexual abuse and a few other traumas thrown in the package too. Social isolation is familiar to many of us as well.

Of course, cyber contact doesn't replace face to face connection. But it has advantages...anonymity encourages communication at a deeper level than is usually experienced in the outside world. Rest assured that you will be heard and supported as best we can.

So please feel free to post as much and as often as you wish. There will always be kind, understanding people who will listen and have a chat.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

It's good to have you join us.

[TBella]

Thank you so much!

Today has been a particularly hard day for me, feeling very alone, forgotten & invisible! And full of fear & dread that I will be alone forever!

Your warm welcome & kind words have brought me comfort. Greatly appreciated- Thank you!

[Guest_9809]

Hi there TBella. I add my own welcome to that of the lovely Starwolf, for you. Great to have you here.

After reading your intro, I see we have quite a bit in common. And I expect many others will as well. I have only recently been officially diagnosed with PTSD, although I have had it for quite a few years now, as a result of a particularly traumatic incident. I married since then, and I now live with my husband, an ex-Vietnam veteran. Unaware at the time, or turning a blind eye to it perhaps, it turns out he is a narcissistic abusive alcoholic. Domestic abuse is a cause of PTSD in itself and it certainly makes it really hard to get away from triggers. I find myself treading on eggshells every single day, just to avoid a backlash, or to try to maintain semi peace. I too suffered a major injury (back and leg) a few years ago and it means I live in varying degrees of chronic pain constantly. Besides PTSD, I also experience bouts of depression, often related to pain levels. So we do have experience in a number of similar areas, dont we?

I havent told anybody in the real world that I suffer from PTSD. Only here on my BB thread. Other than that its only my GP and my psych I can really talk to about things. Hubby would discount it anyway as he thinks its only experienced by military people and rescue workers. He is aware of what happened to me prior to when we met though. And he uses this knowledge against me at times. So its really hard. Because of his narcissistic ways, I have become very isolated in general. Although I may well be so anyway, as a result of the self imposed restrictions we tend to put on ourselves when we suffer from PTSD.

I'm sorry you lost friends as a result of your honesty in telling them what was going on for you. Thats tough, and very hard to accept. It shouldnt be of course, but perhaps its telling you that they werent genuine friends in the first place? I hope you can take courage and reach out to new friends who will accept you for who and what you are, and not for what ails you.

You didnt say whether you have had any therapy for your PTSD - eg CBT, Exposure Therapy or EMDR? If you did, how did it go for you?

If you're after connection, understanding and support then you have come to the right place. I'd love to catch up again, maybe to compare notes. You dont need to do this alone, and I think you will find that writing and connecting here will be a big help to you. Talk more soon I hope. Hugs.

Taurus xx

[TBella]

Thank you so much for your post!

I certainly hear ya & feel for you, living with a Vietnam Vet is hard, especially when you love them but can't help or rescue them!

I sure relate to the walking on egg shells, never knowing when we have to do a runner- usually birthdays, Christmas, any celebration involving alcohol! Hence why I hate & struggle with birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day ect!

I use to think my dad was a monster until the day of my parents divorce. My mum didn't want a divorce & think she's first woman in world to contest it! Mum had breakdown & court had a break! My dad come to me & said I have to get my divorce or I will kill her! Not something a 16 year old wants to hear. After he was granted his divorce he come to me & said Your mums upset, here's some money, get a taxi home, make your mum a coffee, look after her I will be home later! I was so confused! But years later realised dad wasn't a monster- he was scared & felt out of control- he was scared he would lose control & kill mum one day so to protect us he divorced her. A neighbour confirmed this years later on day my dad died- saying dad loved us but didn't want to hurt us!

Now I have PTSD I understand the hell he was in ! It's like being held hostage in your mind constantly tormented! Not that that excuses Domestic Violence- it's never ok but PTSD wasn't recognised back then & the Vietnam Vets didn't have a warm welcoming home- which added to their pain.

I mostly feel sad for my dad, rather than angry but I still do deal with anger towards him- for not providing me with safe home- every child deserves that!

My abusive boss on other hand knew of my childhood as he was like my Pastor. He used that info I shared against me. The incident which lead to him being violent was pre meditated & well planned! He then portrayed himself as good Christian leader!

As for my friends that abandoned they were all from church! Again a safe place that caused much damage & pain & betrayal.But it made me re-evaluate my beliefs which have been very liberating! So perhaps that was a blessing in disguise!

im happy to chat & just listen whenever you like!

[Croix]

Dear TBella + Taurus & Starwolf~

I'm glad you've found people here that understand. I think you will find something here - I definitely did and have changed and healed as a result

I'm not going to post for long this time, just let you know a couple of things.

First I understand your dad - though I was a policeman not a soldier, and my case was probably not near as bad, however I know the fear of physically hurting loved ones - though I never did, except to shout , jump up and sometimes curse.

Much more importantly you said:

I understand the hell & torment he lived in- the darkness- trapped feeling with no peace or release!

No release is most likely not the case - there is an end nowadays, I have it.

The seeds that led to my breakdown started in the late 70's, and like your dad the treatments were basically medications, swapped and trialed, but not that much else.

Now it is a different ball-game, meds are still there, but so are therapies, as you can see above there are options. I live a fulfilling happy loved life, not completely cured, but out of site better than I was, and I only had the old-style treatments for a lot of the time.

You haven't - or I've missed it - talked much about your treatment, no pressure, is asking an imposition?

Friends and church - yes well. There are acquaintances, there are friends. It's a heart-wrenching shock to realize which camp so many people fall into. I can understand, as for the church, I lost my faith so long ago it doesn't matter.

Although we are just text on screens, we are real people, we feel for you, you are no longer quite alone.

Croix

[TBella]

Dear Croix

thank you so much for your lovely, encouraging & insightful response to my post!

Firstly can I just say a huge THANK YOU to you for your service to this country as a police officer! I have the utmost respect for Police, Soldiers, Paramedics & Medical staff working in emergency. The horror & violence you all have to deal with just breaks my heart. Thank you.

You asked about my treatment (Sorry Taurus I think you asked also but I forgot to answer in my reply to you)

i was seeing a Psychologist but all she was saying to me was to colour in & go for walks! While I get how colouring may help with anxiety it was not going to help the PTSD, the grief or deep seeded trust issues I have so I gave up seeing her because I didn't feel heard.

However I seen my GP today & asked to be referred to a Psychologist who specialises in PTSD. I have emailed the Psychologist & am waiting for a reply & will go from there.

Other than that, I've just done a lot of research on PTSD & tried to make lifestyle changes I need to ( food I eat, exercise, limited caffeine etc)

And these lifestyle changes have helped but where I was getting stuck was in the "Doing it all alone" not having any support & also dealing with grief/loss & betrayal of my friends.

I am sure my Psychologist will help me with that & being on this site has made the hugest difference! I feel so much better since coming on here.

i know now if I am having a hard day, I can come on here & fill supported!

I want to say a big heartfelt THANK YOU to all of the wonderful, kind, encouraging & supportive people on this site. You have been such a great help & support to me.

its a nice feeling to feel & have support & finally have a safe place- greatly appreciated:-)

TBella

[Croix]

Dear TBella~

A couple of things in this forum make me feel pretty good - to be seen and thanked by someone I've tried to connect with, and to hear them in a stronger position (even counting ups and downs). Now you've given me both.

Thank you.

I'm also please you liked the memory - takes over 60 years for one of mine to bloom, so I've got to be sparing or I'll run out:)

Without putting any obligation on you at all, if you ever had a passing thought about a time that gave you happiness and/or peace please jot it down - no prizes for literature, just so someone else could understand and sip the happiness too.

One other important thing - we are not just here when you are on the crest and post with ease, when you are in the trough and can barely string words together we will be here. There is no more 5 years alone.

Croix

[TBella]

Thanks so much Croix for such a beautiful post.

sorry at the moment I can't think of any happy memories but if anything should come to mind, I will be sure to share with you all.

Wishing you an awesome week:-)

Warmest Regards

TBella

[Croix]

Dear TBella~

I'm delighted with your lovely account of your visits with Nan and Nana. It reminded me so much of mine and I'm pretty sure it will for others too.

I haven't read that much from your recently -maybe I've missed stuff - are you going ok?

Croix