Narisstic adult daughter

[Scampy]

Hi I am new here. For many years I experienced abuse from.my husband then left him when my daughter was 6. She has autism and an intellectual impairment. I always ha difficulty dealing with her behaviour. We saw numerous therapists and psychologist but no one helped me with her aggressive, revengeful control behaviours. I honestly don't think they believed me. I have a teaching degree so I knew how to manage children's behaviours but I couldn't control my own child. She is now 21 and is living with a boyfriend who is now under her control. She displays narisstic traits. He has been so good to her and he is a kind soul. His family is now very worried about their son and have asked me to help. But she won't listen to anything I say to help her in any kind of way. As a result of years of abuse from my own child I also have received trauma from her. It breaks my heart that she is now hurting another gentle soul and family. Is there anything I can do to convince her to get some help? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm really sorry this has happened to your life and also for the other family.

Briefly- I have 2 daughters now 35 and 31yo. The eldest was a teacher then pensioned off with mental illness caused by the profession, but is now stable and ok. My youngest took after her mother. That marriage I had with her found me tolerating narcissistic tendencies. Silence used as a weapon and laziness. She was a stay at home mum and I worked 3jobs so she could be so, but was lazy and left me also to change nappies and cook, she did little. Eventually we split when my youngest was 4yo. I paid all child support and more, have them fortnightly and holidays. Regardless my youngest from 14yo onwards copied her mothers bad attitude and teased me by blocking me on Facebook the only way I could contact her, this happened every 2 years or so for no reason. 4 years ago it occured again and for my own mental health had to block her. It was incredibly hard. My lovely wife of 13 years and I have a foster son 21yo and with my daughter have made them our focus.

So, to you, I feel my experience is a little in line with you and your daughter, that 1/ there is nothing you can do to "make" her change her attitude. You are also powerless to help her boyfriends family except you could be there when he falls apart and has to seek the love of his family following any abuse. So a strong relationship with his parents might be beneficial to share your struggles and hear theirs.

The only hope you have is a maturity development whereby she changes her approach. This is rare but might come about. As in my case be wary of this development as to get your hopes up then get let down again is harmful- devastating in fact. 

So my solid suggestion is to redefine your life, the time you have free in your daily routines so it is a full schedule. This could include hobbies, sports, more friends and interests. In the early days I even had a large jigsaw in a spare room, every time I grieved I'd do 20 pieces and my focus changed away from my daughter. 

Changing mindsets is a good idea. The following threads might interest you, just need to read the first posts of each.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/narcissism/td-p/334484

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226 

(there is also part 2 and 3 of fortress of survival)

I might add that you'll read about my mother and now my sister in the "narcissism" thread, I now have zero people in my life with that trait. It is heaven, but I'll always grieve for my youngest, that's life and some things we cant control. It hurts.

Reply anytime Scampy..

TonyWK