Hi All- any survivors of NPD abuse?
I am an empath and realised I became a people pleaser from childhood where I experienced terrible abuse.
I married, husband later diagnosed with Autism but narcissistic traits which were the issue followed by DV. When child safety became involved it woke me up to leaving before kids experienced it too. (Which sadly happened later on access visits)
Then I went through intensive counselling for years only to finally end up engaged to a man I later figure out has NPD and there was financial and emotional abuse (gaslighting/DARVO etc) The act had me fooled, but the lies all came undone and I saw 2 people: the one I loved. Then the cold, calculating one who seemed to enjoy deceiving and using others as it was a fun game. Of course the later was the real him and it rocked my world as I’m kind and believe the best of people. Probably because I know what it feels like to struggle.
Now I have this intense anger at all the behaviour from childhood to now. Then I feel numb as my whole blueprint for life has been BS- I’m not responsible, it’s not me, they were projecting their own crap onto me and dodging responsibility. I finally see it. I erroneously believed in mutual respect, honesty and good intentions of others. But that has been weaponised and used against me..
I don’t know how to ever trust again and have lost my faith especially in men which is unfair. I’ve been through a lot- but the last guy took the cake. I’m so so thankful to be free as it was sociopath level scary when all the evidence came to light and the switch flipped. I’ve since learned some can be Machiavellian where they are very skilled at manipulating and lack empathy or remorse which matched this person.. 🥹 But I only know of the NPD as he disclosed a org psych diagnosed it after working with him then he disengaged. Moral of the story fooled me and got me good.
I am grieving that I haven’t had a safe relationship and likely won’t and I quit now as I’m not going to survive any more rounds. I do lots of self care, get to church, work, care for kids- actually teens now (now 100% care) trying to make friends post discard ( met some nice people). But I just feel numb- exhausted, ruminate then yo-yo with anger and depression. I feel like a zombie.
I don’t talk about it except with therapists as I want to be free of it and not sow seeds of despair. Plus I don’t repeat stuff unless it stays confidential/de-identified..
Is anyone else going through this? Recovered? What helps? Thx in advance ☺️
