Narcissistic abuse survivors?

[Spice-of-Life]

Hi All- any survivors of NPD abuse?

I am an empath and realised I became a people pleaser from childhood where I experienced terrible abuse.

I married, husband later diagnosed with Autism but narcissistic traits which were the issue followed by DV. When child safety became involved it woke me up to leaving before kids experienced it too. (Which sadly happened later on access visits)

Then I went through intensive counselling for years only to finally end up engaged to a man I later figure out has NPD and there was financial and emotional abuse (gaslighting/DARVO etc) The act had me fooled, but the lies all came undone and I saw 2 people: the one I loved. Then the cold, calculating one who seemed to enjoy deceiving and using others as it was a fun game. Of course the later was the real him and it rocked my world as I’m kind and believe the best of people. Probably because I know what it feels like to struggle.

Now I have this intense anger at all the behaviour from childhood to now. Then I feel numb as my whole blueprint for life has been BS- I’m not responsible, it’s not me, they were projecting their own crap onto me and dodging responsibility. I finally see it. I erroneously believed in mutual respect, honesty and good intentions of others. But that has been weaponised and used against me..

 I don’t know how to ever trust again and have lost my faith especially in men which is unfair. I’ve been through a lot- but the last guy took the cake. I’m so so thankful to be free as it was sociopath level scary when all the evidence came to light and the switch flipped. I’ve since learned some can be Machiavellian where they are very skilled at manipulating and lack empathy or remorse which matched this person.. 🥹 But I only know of the NPD as he disclosed a org psych diagnosed it after working with him then he disengaged. Moral of the story fooled me and got me good. 

I am grieving that I haven’t had a safe relationship and likely won’t and I quit now as I’m not going to survive any more rounds. I do lots of self care, get to church, work, care for kids- actually teens now (now 100% care) trying to make friends post discard ( met some nice people). But I just feel numb- exhausted, ruminate then yo-yo with anger and depression. I feel like a zombie.

I don’t talk about it except with therapists as I want to be free of it and not sow seeds of despair. Plus I don’t repeat stuff unless it stays confidential/de-identified.. 

Is anyone else going through this? Recovered? What helps? Thx in advance ☺️

[blues23]

Hi spice of life 

I’m sorry you have gone thru all of this horrible stuff.,

I feel at the moment I have been suffering narcissistic abuse from my family ((1 x sibling & my dad ) 

my story starts on a camping trip where my sibling got mad at my child for being naughty called her names cow and threatened blocking from seeing her cousin: return home my sibling went all avoiding us putting gifts on my doorstep in the middle of the night: claiming too busy to see us : asking for gifts to be put over their fence for their kids birthday; a few months later  via a letter I confronted sibling they deny everything said it was me doing all this despite them asking me to leave gifts for their kids on their fence I did as they asked and that’s my fault: this diatribe is completely nonsense ( DARVO) from my sibling that’s what they asked me to do so I did it the after of my confrontation was I’m spiteful, pathetic, vicious, abusive and so forth because of what they asked me to do : so I’ve since blocked my sibling 

my dad : I confronted him over his insistence I see my mother who abused me for years as a kid and into adulthood; my father has also told me before I’m not his daughter which was against me defending my sibling in their divorce/ he’s also said he will cut me out of his will and I will get nothing  because I said no to visiting my mum ( also sad he said that cause I gave up my childhood looking after my mother who was diagnosed with schizophrenia I lived from the age of 10 to 24 looking after her while he went to work , his social club & I had nothing my sibling had been kicked out of home by this point by my mother we didn’t reconnect for 20 years after my dad told me he’d been seeing my sibling the whole time while I was looking after my mother needless to say I was shocked he lived this fake life of lies for years while I was suffering and then after all my sacrifices I still get cut off because I said no ( the funny thing is I never cared about his money or what I’d get in his will I just wanted to be loved lol) he most recently I found out put a phone screen app on his phone so I can’t contact him ( I’ve kinda in the middle of accepting it but still wonder if it was my sibling who put this on his phone as he wouldn’t know he’s old and my sibling  updates his phone all the time) i haven’t seen my dad in 5 months or my sibling despite living 10 min drive from my sibling . 

I feel the anger you have but it’s kinda calming down a bit as I see my family as they are I can’t change them , I can’t have my own views or whatever without being emotionally punished, excluded , abused  I’m still angry though but much calmer being by myself I still have my moments but do I really wanna hang out with people who only want me when I do what they want and behave how they want : no I don’t : 

im like u trying to make friends, I don’t trust people, I’m getting counselling need to unpack a lot .

what helps I think is remaining present in your choice of your own mental well being , being ok with your choices (& the choices of others / you are not responsible for other’s choices only how u react to them) what else helps is long walks , puzzles anything u enjoy , u are trying to heal it takes time , I feel I’m not healed but I’ve accepted it kinda I still wonder about my dad but he knows where I am nothing stopping him from seeing us ( he’s also abandoned his grandchild in the mix  & my siblings niece) so also his choice . It’s hard but you need to look after you I think the rage u carry is self protection . Rage protects the hurt . The rumination is hard that’s the part I struggle with probably why I stay busy but the thoughts of why is always there . It maybe something we never know , I think people who can’t / won’t : would rather blame others for their actions/ behaviours says more about them , it’s not easy it’s really not but my only suggestion is to live in the now create urself a good future which it seems like u are . I’m trying to too . I’m here if u wanna vent .  The hurt ur feeling is real but ur doing all u can to heal it and I think that’s great 

[Spice-of-Life]

Thanks Blues 23. 

I realised from your story we both took on the “carer” and responsibility/parent role as kids. 
The “just want to be loved” definitely resonates.. I think I’m realising I have made my childhood response of being kind, keep the peace, be responsible and act (as no one else will) my blue print I took into adulthood. I moved interstate away from family drama. 

I’ll keep myself distracted and get out for some walks. Good to know it gets easier.. Thanks for your reply. 

[blues23]

It does get easier u just have to look after u and be strong for urself 

[Ggrand]

Dear Spice-of-Life,

I am deeply sorry that you went through all that…..I feel deeply for you as I also went through an abusive childhood and married a narcissist and remained married to him for 38 years…while trying to protect and raise my children to be good and kind humans…(which I did)…

I am so proud of people I hear of that unlike me, had the courage to leave for the safety of your children….that was something I never had..(courage)….my husband passed away 13 years this year…I never wished it on him as I still loved him…I miss the non narcissistic side of him even today…He left me a legacy of PTSD, trust issues, depression and so much more..

I don’t know why my life was the way it was…abuse and heartache for 57 of my 70 years of living…life can be so unfair for so many people….I grew up in an abusive hou, married a mean, cruel narcissistic man, so I thought that life was like that…until I learned it wasn’t, which was too late for me….

Anger, I don’t hold any, hate I also don’t hold in my heart…I forgave them all long ago…so I could live in some type of peace…holding onto anger just keeps everything that I/we went through..it festers in our hearts and takes away any inkling of peace we can find….if it’s at all possible, try hard to let go of that anger your holding onto…be kind and compassionate to yourself…

It took me nearly 4 years to trust anyone…I now have one r/l friend and a neighbour that I sometimes talk to….and to me I’m so blessed that I have them in my life…My children are both married and have families of their own….I don’t see them much because they live 6-7 hours away and they both work 5.5 days a week….in saying that I just came home from a visit with them both…and I’m proud to see the love and care they give their wives and children….its very heartwarming knowing that I must have done something right in their upbringing after they also experienced their father’s abuse and narcissistic ways….I have a lot of guilt that holds onto my soul and heart for not being courageous enough to leave my husband….which counselling can’t seem to help me with….

I live alone now for 13 years with my 2 fur babies (dogs) I do get overwhelmed at times with triggers that send me back to the abuse I went through and i probably always will…but with my former physiologist and counsellors help in giving me some coping strategies I am living the rest of my life the best I can….doing things that I can do now, that I’m allowed to do because nobody can say no to me anymore….has and does help me get through those times I’m triggered and I fall into a dark depression….

Do you have anything that you like to do, to help you through your reliving of your passed trauma? 

Sending you a gentle, warm, caring hug..🤗…and thinking of you with kindness…please try hard to remember that you are not defined by what you went through, but that you are a beautiful, strong survivor of DV…and you are worthy of a good, happy and peaceful life…

Grandy..