My story

[_Alexa_]

Hithere, IthoughtI'dshareafewthingsheretohelpotherpeoplefeellesscrazywithinthemselvesbutalsoasawayofcontinuingmyhealingjourney. Igrewupinareasonablefamily. NowthatIknowalotmoreofmyfamily'sstoryandpastasanadult, I'dsaythatasachildIwasshelteredfromknowingandbeingabletorecognisemanythings, whichI'mpartlygratefulforbuthavealsobeensoupsetby. Mydadgrewupwithallkindsofstrugglesandmymumlosthermumwhenshewas8or9. Mydadfeltmuchclosertomeasayoungchildandunfortunatelyourrelationshiphasonlygrowntobecomemorestrained. WhenIwas16/17, myparentsbegantoreallylettheirhairdownandarguealmostconstantly. Beingtheyoungestof4childrenandtheonlyoneleftathome, Iwasexposedtoalotofverbaltensionandmyheartbecamesaddened. IwantedtoreachoutforhelpasIdidn'tfeelIwascopingverywell (tryingtojuggleauniversitydegreeasayoungscholarshiprecipient) butmyparentstoldmeIcouldn'tasitwouldbringtoomuchshametothem. Iendedupgoingdownthegurglerandbecameavictimtoalotofisolationandsadness. Anyonewhohasexperiencedtraumaandabuse/neglectasaresultofunresolvedtensioninthefamilyhomewouldknowwhatitfeelsliketoseetwopeoplethatyouloveconstantlybickeringwitheachotherandnothelpingyoutofeelseenorheard. Iexperiencedpanicattacks, startedtoquestionthemeaningofeverythingandbasicallylostsightofmyowngoalsandpassion. Idroppedoutofuni, wasbeingfedconstantnegativeselftalk(lies)andunfortunatelygrewintoaverydetached,depravedanddisillusionedversionofmyself. Iwouldfeartalkingtopeople, evenbelievedthatIcouldn'ttalkandbasicallylosttheabilitytodomanysimplethings. Iwouldeat,shitandgobacktobed. Thatbecamemylife, andwhatmadeitworse, wasthatwheneverItriedreachingouttomysiblingsduringtheearlierstagesofmyparents'marriagebreakdown, IwasmadetofeelasthoughIwasmakingeverythingupandlargelyoverexaggeratingtheirsituation. I'vereallystruggledwithinmyselftoseeany/muchhopebecauseithasfeltlikebarelyanyonehascaredenoughtohelprevivemeandbelieveinme/mydreams. Ithasbeensohardtopickmyselfupbecausethedramahascontinuedforover6years. ImanagedtolearnalotaboutmyselfwhenImovedoutofhomebutlivingsofarawayhaditsownkindofnegatives. I'm now living in the same town as my parents again and struggle to get along with them. I feel that I became a subject to a lot of mistreatment and have always been very sensitive and tender hearted. Please, feel free to let me know if you can relate to any part/s of my journey and know that I am praying and believing for the best to come out of your story, too. Peace and beautiful vibes 🙏🏼✌🏼

[White_Rose]

Dear Alexa

Welcome to the forum. I am so pleased you have reached out here. Thank you for telling us your story.

I had a lot of trouble reading your post. Is this the way you posted or has the post fallen into some kind of IT hole? I'm not sure I properly understand your story .

You are the youngest child of four and grew up witnessing your parent's marriage breakdown. That's a hard thing to do and must have made you feel apprehensive about your future. Losing your closeness with your dad was also painful. I understand you are living in the same town as your parents but not living with them. Have they actually separated?

Your siblings had left home before your parents marriage started to go wrong and were not observing it 24/7. They remember living at home as being happy I imagine so it's hard to believe someone who experiences life at home as very different. That's why I ask if your parents have actually separated. Perhaps they can now see the difficulties you had.

Unfortunately there are still many people who cannot accept a mental health problem within the family. Fear of public shame is so often the driving force behind this. I think community attitudes are changing but it will take time.

How are you managing now you live alone? Do you feel the need to talk with a mental health person such as a counsellor or psychologist? We can offer you support and talk about ways to cope based on our own experience. As we are all different what works for one person does not help another one. This is why it's best to talk to a qualified person who can offer help tailored for you. See your GP to get the ball rolling.

Meanwhile please continue to post here. It's a safe place to be and we do understand how you feel having had our own experiences of a difficult childhood and upbringing.

Mary