My PTSD

[Lostandfound]

It started out wit small things, like bikes speeding would scare me, my life slowly came to a halt i was afraid of everything and i had no clue what to do, at school i was alone really, i had a limited group of friends as i was "weird" "too quiet" or whatever else they thought, yet noone knew my inner battle. i was diagnosed with PTSD in grade 5, as i had been abused by my mother for about a year to a year and a half, i tried so hard to block everything out, the memories and the pain but i could't it consumed me. I was just this shadow who had no purpose my life was a mess and i wasn't old enough to comprehend everything no matter how hard i tried to understand it, i went down a spiral of thinking everything was my fault that i was a screw up and she hit me every day because I couldn't do anything right you know? the tears were punishment and the pain become my existent, i am now 17 and i still battle my depression and anxiety and PTSD, i am slowly progressing w\by getting help and have been put on medication as this year i hit a real low point as i confessed about the sexual assault that occurred with my uncle and well telling someone after keeping it in the dark for so long, destroyed me it was like being back into square one, I had to try to start over again, and i am slowly i have my bad days and teh days when things couldn't be better but i guess that's how it goes/

[Nikkir]

Hi Lostandfound,

Thank you for your post, I really feel for you and sounds like from an early age you have had just so much to deal with and not your fault. It really upsets me to think that this type of abuse goes on with innocent kids and now you have suffered in your life. I am glad that you got some medication, some times that can be helpful and it may not be forever or it may be for a time but if it helps in daily life then good for you 🙂 It's interesting that you can now look back and see the small signs that have occurred like the fear of the bikes and other things scared you and withdrew into yourself and now you can see why. Now PTSD anxiety and trauma is so well known just about everyone you know has had it or knows someone and there are many therapies but as a child years ago you would not have known why you felt so bad on the inside and so quiet. The good news is you have made it this far and now are able to speak out against the wrongs that have been done to you and to reclaim your power as an adult. You are right there are good days and bad days and I think its good you know that. Expecting that one day we wake up and our lives are perfect might be a bit unrealistic ( though I would love that 🙂

Keep taking the medication, get a referral to a professional to help you work through these issues in a way that is nurturing and doesn't make you relive the experience and make plans for what you can do from now. Mindfulness is great and I think people probably get sick of me saying that but after caring with someone with BPD, anxiety , trauma, PTSD and everything else and my own issues as a carer and as a result of witnessing awful things I know that sometimes we are triggered and we don't know why but usually it does link back to something that has happened. With mindfulness we focus on the breath and on picking something to look at in the here and now and knowing that right here right now we are ok. That is if we are ok, but mostly we are. Get the "smiling minds' meditation app and look up Jon kabat zinn mindfulness or do the free mindfulness course that I do cos i love free its http://palousemindfulness.com/ and take the bits that you like and don't bother with what you don't. Please feel free to keep in touch online or call us on 1300 224636. Best Wishes Nikkir x

[Doolhof]

Hi LOstandfound,

Like Nikkir, I warmly welcome you to the forums. She has written a lot of things I would have written myself.

If you don't mind me asking, are you still living with your Mum?

Do you have a safe place to go if you are feeling really anxious?

Are you still at school? If so have you been able to hook up to help at school? There may be a counsellor there or a teacher who can help support you.

Would you like to share some of things you do enjoy in life? Are there ways for you to do more of the things you enjoy?

There is a younger person's cyber café on this site. You might like to hook up to that and just have a casusal happy chat with some of the people there.

You will find this forum to be non judgemental, the people caring and understanding.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Dear Lostandfound. It's so hard when we are taught that our parents are supposed to love and nurture us and they abuse the trust we place in them. None of what happened is your fault, when we are constantly abused and hurt we tend to self blame, especially if we are told it is our fault. If you are still with your mum is there anyone you trust enough to go to for help? If you are still at school there is kids helpline or headspace which would offer you some suggestions on where to go for assistance. Maybe as Mrs Dools suggested, a counselor at school or a teacher you feel safe with.

Lynda

[Lostandfound]

Hi there

Thankyou for your warm and caring comment. I live with my dad now and havent seen my mother in 6 years, she has tried to contact me but after claiming that i was a monster and some explicit words i removed her again from my life,as i believed it was time to accept and move on. I am currently in year 12, my grades have increased over the years due to alot of therapy and medication.

Thankyou once again

[Lostandfound]

Thankyou so much, for your kindness, its great to see the world has so many amazing people.