Anxiety or PTSD?? (trigger warning: domestic and sexual abuse)

[Bellamaree]

Hi I am a newby so please bare with me..... I have lived with anxiety for a very long time (30+ years). I was indecently assaulted when I was around 3 years old for approx 2 years. I didnt tell anyone about this for fear I would get into trouble (told by abuser that if I told I would get into big trouble by my mum). So I carried this secret until I was in my 40's. I told my mother then and she was shocked and upset. Funnily, I did not blame anyone for this..... I just put it out of my mind for all that time. I didnt dwell on it. I met my partner when I was 18 and everything was wonderful then the abuse started. MaInly if he had been drinking. Physical abuse.... The usual back hander, thumped on the head, pushed, black eye, split lip. Then of course next day he was sorry and be the most wonderful man on earth filling my heart with love. At age 23 I was pregnant, we got married and the abuse was still happening. One night when I was 8 months pregnant, he came home drunk, we had an argument, he oushed me over and then kicked me in stomach. Next day he was sorry etc etc.... We ended up having two children. Abuse continued. This went on for aporox 10 years. He had even threatened me with "if you try to leave me you wont get out alive"...... I was very afraid so I stayed. All this abuse was alcohol fuelled. The short story is I have stayed with this man for 36 years. Whilst he is not physically violent now, everytime he drinks alcohol I feel myself getting very stressed and aggrevated. I have spoken to him about this but he says its my problem not his and if he has to stop having "a couple of beers after work, he will stop working". I dont know if I have developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or if its anxiety. He is very selfish in he will not own the fact that he did abuse me..... He always says "if I hit you you would never have got up".... (He was amatur boxer when he was young). He will not admit to the way he treated me or he just says that I deserved it. Im sorry this post is a bit all over the place - I would like your opinion if its possible for me to have PTSD?

[Lonelydan]

Hi bellamaree, I'm so sorry that has happened to you and to get stuck with such a gutless wonder for a husband. I think you would definitely have ptsd after all that truma. It's so hard to give advice on your situation as I to was raised in a very violet home but both my parents were violent to each other and myself. Has ever hurt your children i take it there grown-up children now. Have you thought about seeing a doctor or calling beyond blue there wonderful to talk to. your not alone there are so many forums on domestic violence I'm sorry I really don't what more to say I know how difficult I was situation you are in. Lonelydan...

[Bellamaree]

Thanks Lonelydan. He was a very hard parent particularly to our son - "boys need a hard handed parent" he would say. Both children are adults now. Son has a mental health issue - very angry/arrogant and is currently on meds. He blames his childhood but he seems to blame me more than father..... I believe that is because he is afraid to blame his father... However, that did witness the abuse on me n as little children would tell my mother that "dad hit mum"..... Of course, as most of us abused do, I would laugh it iff when mum questioned me or deny it. I did actually ring a help line but found them to be of no help at all.....I think I have hated actually really acknowledging what has happened to me if that makes sense..... Whilst I know what hapoend n have tried to address it with my husband.... I havent spoken to Drs about it because I guess a) I was too embarrassed, b) my own Dr is very male dominant.....my husband has told me for so ling to just get over it......I have fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis and any stress makes these things so much worse.

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bellamaree, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to address it with your husband there is no point. I hope your daughter hasn't found someone just like him and your son doesn't turn into him. More than not children of abuse sexual or physical will go on to find themselves abusive partners girls will usually find some tough guy that they think will be there Night in shining armour but usually they are monsters The circle of abuse is so strong and abuse only attracts abuse. If you don't feel you could talk you old bull of a doctor please seek a female doctor I'm sure there one around you somewhere again I'm so sorry this has been your life. Lonelydan..

[Bellamaree]

Mum passed away suddenly in November and to start with there was so much to do I didnt have time to grieve. I feel atm that everything life has thrown at me is sitting on me. I have been so very emotional, depressed, sleeping most of the day, awake most of the night. I feel I have no one who really understands me atm. No support in the home doesnt help.

[Lonelydan]

Hi Bella, what pain you must be in. you don't have to do it alone there is help. You are a stronger woman thank you think. You're a true survivor and I can tell a wonderful mother. You took care of your mothers estate that's something most of us will do I personally can't wait maybe I shouldn't say that sorry Bella but she makes Catherine birnie look like mother of the year. You have every right to feel as sad as you want to miss your mum please try not to put pressure on yourself. Don't worry about sleeping all day no pressure. If you do you see a doctor and asked for a mental health plan you are in titled six psychiatrist visits free per year it does help and I have found the medication takes the edge off ptsd and anxiety/depression no one needs to know what your doing I take it you spend a lot of time at the doctors anyway with your arthritis which must be so painful to. the husband doesn't need to know anything I hope you find some moments of peace. Lonelydan..