Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i feel like I’m talking to myself but getting it out on paper or the screen does help. I won’t lie I’ve been struggling with some issues. Some mine some others. I’m trying to detach from the worry around me and focus solely on me. I’m thinking the years of not getting love support and reassurance has affected me now so I’m always surveying my surroundings checking for any movement or feeling that I sense that can make me be in danger. I’m outwardly facing and trying to control my environment. I live in a cocoon of my own making. This means I no longer have people in my life that pop over all call me to chat. I probably won’t answer door or phone. I spend a lot of time in my room with my dog beside me. I’ve made the decision if something happens to my beloved guard dog I’m getting another best friend to be by my side. I’m forcing my hubby into therapy I’m not prepared to have his behaviour invade my space. I’m getting stronger and he’s falling apart. The trauma and loss we suffered has him unstable now. I should be more compassionate but I’m just angry. He’s agreed to and said he wants to and he saw a psychologist years ago for social anxiety and really enjoyed it so I’m hoping he is able to get his repressed fury out. He’s angry about what happened to us and angry I gave up and tried to check out. He holds it in but he’s hitting the bottle and I’m not strong enough to deal with it. I have made a safe place and it doesn’t include that. I thought I could save everyone and keep everyone safe but I failed and there’s no reason to think I can save him but I’ve been trying. Me me me I need to think about me and get medical attention and read my prebed reprogramming every night. Practice my safety plan focus on positive thoughts and my work. BUT I obsess on what I can do to help everyone else and panic and worry and get anxious and physically sick. No sleep poor diet not exercising and crazy thoughts.
Wednesday saw psychologist came home happy with lots of work to do and progress. Yesterday I took my steroids yesterday I ate well and I went to support group and sat and listened and cried for most of it. I made appointment for mri and they got me in for today. Yesterday I worked on a report I have to write for work and got a page done and I’ve been staring at that for 3 weeks and couldn’t even begin to start. I had a shower while I was only one home which is huge for me I can’t check I’m safe if I’m under the shower.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, I’m listening. It’s hard to know when someone is listening when they are so quiet, & you can’t see them. I think I forgot for a bit there. Sometimes I struggle with what I want to reply with, but, in any event, I want to let you know I’m still here & listening.

I’d like to encourage you to step outside your room more often, is only for five minutes - more if you can.

, I don’t need to tell you that, nor to eat nutritious meals, nor to do exercise, nor to stress out over things & all the people beyond your control - that’ll only help to keep you awake more, & worrying to no good result.

I know this stuff as well as you do. (not the ‘pb-ed reprogramming’, can’t say I know about that). It’s the implementation we struggle with.

& remember, you feel what you feel, no ‘should’ or ‘should not’ about it. That goes for hubby too. You feel a feeling, slightly to intensely, nothing other than that.

❤️❤️❤️❤️to you & your dog, in your cocoon, hoping you will emerge soon,
mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, sorry, MC, I meant to include, how good it is that yesterday was so good. 😺Lots of success & thing to appreciate.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes I get that I read some posts and think oh I get that but have nothing to imput. My self hatred tells me lies and makes me feel and think negative thoughts. Being alone in the playground and everyone has friends and laughter but I don’t belong. My stuff and my bad attitude.
im very proud of myself I got more scans done and have an appointment for results and got work done. I’ve organised little areas around my home so I’m happy. Clothes organised washing done.
im still feeling very desperate and worried and cried a river had arguments and blown up emotionally. I can see a pathway out of the nightmare that has been my life recently and I want to drag my hubby with me. He’s not willing and doesn’t care he wants to be miserable and can’t see why he should change. He can get drunk and relax job done. He’s such a gentle soul and I’m sad to see his pain.
All I can do is try and venture out of my bedroom more often and I’m going to a social group I joined today. 3 hours and a opportunity to meet more people. It makes me get dressed and brush my hair and be seen by people. 3 hours out of my bedroom and the house.
MC

[mmMekitty]

MC, we're all in the same playground.

Wonder if the more you try to drag your hubby along, the more he will pull away & resist? I'm not sure exactly what the answer is, while he is unwilling to consider that his drinking could be a problem for himself & his marriage. Wanting to blot out & deny problems is a very common reason why people drink. Maybe everything feels too much & he can't figure what to do anymore. I hope he does see the psychologist & from there, the psychologist can, in the first instance, help him to willingly accept the help offered.

From my observations, argument don't persuade anyone. People tend to dig in deeper to hold the ground they have.

I can imagine, if I was hubby, I might, just to stop the argument, give in & say I'd go see the psychologist to appease you, all the while, thinking I don't need to see any psychologist & won't take it seriously. Or, maybe I'd go to see what the psychologist is like, just curious enough to do that.

I hope your hubby does take it seriously, & quickly recognises how his drinking effects you both & agrees to work with the psychologist. It's up to him, though; you cannot control that & simply demand that he does & expect him to obey.

For yourself, dear MC, those highly judgemental houghts you recognise are lies, hurtful lies, you can challenge, refute & dismiss. Takes effort & practice, but can be done. I get these things too, & that's the only way I know does help. We've taken on so much from our pasts & have carried on from where they left off. I find myself saying, "Look, I'm doing it, too", (just like my ex-step-mother, for e.g.), when I realise I'm thinking the same words as were so often aimed at me.

They are opinions others had, & being opinions does not make them correct.

That's my strategy. How do you respond when these thoughts arise?

Well done, getting the scan, the follow-up appointment, washing, fixing things up around the home, work done, & joining the social group, which will gets you out & meeting new people. That's quite a lot! 😺

I find it's so much easier to put in the effort of dressing, brushing hair & teeth, etcetera, when I have a specific reason to do so. The idea of just wandering outdoor, up the road for no particular reason is often not enough, even though I'm trying to at least pretend getting out & the exercise is reason enough, because this is one of the self-care things I can do, which would help me become healthier.

There I went, thinking again!😼

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

The weather is bad my plans today have changed breakfast and a movie.

Yes human nature is to dig in or appease and pretend to agree. I’m trying to be optimistic 😂 I wonder what that looks like and feels like.
Resisting negative thoughts is my constant battle and resisting controlling my environment is a big thing for me. I’m also terrified of standing up for myself and I’m trying to assert myself. I’m saying and acting on “ This is my fall back and what I am willing to accept “ but my experience has taught me that people stomp all over what I want and need. Then punish me for having expectations. Psychologist gave me 1 item to not do for 2 weeks and I was grateful it was just 1 thing. I can do 1 thing.
Not dressed yet but it’s on the schedule after this coffee.

❤️ MC

[mmMekitty]

😺One thing - one thing at a time, step by step.

Today, I think the weather is too miserable.

My problem is I'm warm (ish) now, & if I change into day clothes, I won't be as warm.

I decided to have some porridge for breakfast, & it seems not to agree with me this morning. Nevertheless, what's for lunch? It really is a soup day, I think.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Oh not loving new look I can’t find my way easily and it’s making me nervous. I’m sure I’ll figure it out but sorry if I can’t find your post. 
More complaining to come. MRI was bad news bone not healing and marrow leaking still sprains and still torn damaged tendons. No surgery that can help. I shouldn’t be weight bearing way back when I hurt myself but they never looked at how bad my injuries were. Just gave me generic treatment and your not bad attitude. I’m trying experimental treatment with daily laser treatment and steroids and I’m having 2day infusions of vitamins and amino acids and I sit in surgery on a drip so no hospital. I was very upset yesterday I was hoping it was healing. The bone marrow around the break freaked me out. I am in pain and I ignore it and keep going. I keep walking working shopping gardening and trying to be halfway active. I’m definitely not active I sit a lot with ice on foot and wear the brace. 
im going cane shopping and getting a new stronger brace. I want to do lawn edges I want to plant some plants and I want to heal. 
Im also not doing well emotionally and I’m not sharing with anyone my thoughts. I have pushed hubby away he let me down and I have bad feelings towards him. I’m clinging to my dog as support and I’m not acting on my bad thoughts. This is separate to health this is me. I was thinking about going into hospital and calling my psychologist and saying I need help but he’s away. What would hospital do for me. Probably nothing 

What keeps me going is my grandkids and my daughter. I feel my daughter doesn’t need me and she’s got her own life. I really don’t have anyone except grandkids love me and I love them. I woke last night I wasn’t breathing and I was sweating and I struggled for about half hour to breathe and calm down. I made tea and cooled myself. It wasn’t like regular asthma attack it was different. My chest feels tight I told dr it’s hard to take deep breaths this is why he wants me to have IV drips. 

MC

MC

[Sophie_M]

Hey Mum Chris,

Thank you for sharing this update. We're sorry you're in pain. Please don't worry about complaining - you're being open and honest about what's going on for you, and that is a strong and powerful thing to do.

We can hear you're feeling a bit unsure about what to do when dealing with bad thoughts. It's great that your dog is a support, and your love for your family is really powerful. We also wanted to check in and offer a couple more options. While your psychologist is unavailable, you could reach out to the Support Service for some counselling and to give you more options, you could reach out to the GP or existing mental health support. If at any point you feel unable to avoid acting on bad thoughts, then you need to go to the hospital or call 000. We can hear it's hard to think about what they'll do for you, but they'll keep you safe if needed, and they can get you some more support. It could also be a really good time to review and update your safety plan.

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Mum Chris]

Hi Sophie

Thank you I’m being careful and doing my breathing and relaxation. Things are tough I’m struggling for sure. Physically and emotionally. I continue to stand my ground and remember I’m ok. I’m upset but I’m trying to think of me as valuable. I still struggle with guilt and failure and loneliness. I’m on my own a lot but I do prefer it. Other people would distract me and I’d get out of my head. I have joined groups and I’m trying to make more friends but I’m super guarded. I rang an old friend today and had a happy talk. She said she was so happy to hear from me. It was nice. I’m fighting with my husband and I am really disappointed with him and I am not really communicating with him.  I suppose I’m shut down and detached. 
I am tired of being in physical pain and I’m frustrated. I want to walk and dig in the garden and enjoy life. I’m looking forward to the new treatments the laser arrives tomorrow and my dr said there’s been real healing and the IV infusion starts next week. 

Tomorrow is another day. I’ve booked a trip to hairdresser and then lunch ou5 Saturday. 
MC