Mental health about to cost my umpteenth job

[Guest_6465]

Just an biannual performance review and my boss has called out for the third time that my lovely colleagues have complained that often, especially in the field, that "I am not there, am somewhere else." I cannot deny this. I always feel like I am in two levels of consciousness, one trying to concentrate on what I am doing, the other off fighting the war inside my head or worrying about something else completely different. In year 3 my teacher called me "The Dreamboat", not unfortunately because of my wonderful looks but by apparent disassociation with everything around me. Every whinger in every job has noticed this and got me into trouble, and fired - not matter how hard I try not to make mistakes I always do, wrong labels on bottles, typos and other mistakes in final report drafts, bad data processing and/or input. No matter how good the job is there is ALWAYS little mistakes, and these all add up and annoy supervisors and I end up fired. Held on to current job for 5 years but now after 2.5 years a second senior colleague has made a complaint that he does not want to work with me anymore. I feel angry and hateful towards them and yes, wish them ill but on the other hand I know that they are right, I just really resent them reporting such piddling mistakes I cant help feel its a personalised conspiracy. But its in my whole life. Although a good and responsible driver I often just forget or don't notice what speed zone I am in an seriously over the last 30 years all the fines I have paid out could have bought a nice new car or deposit for a house. Can anyone suggest any type of mindfulness therapy for this, or can identity just what is wrong with my mindfulness?

Let's cut a long story short: I am

- white Australian, 48 yo

- lifetime clinical depressive/dysthymic

- Functioning alcoholic and fond of legal downers

- Recently officially diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder

- Struggling to keep my mental illness(s) from work "mates", recently divulged CPTSD to boss, seemed understanding, after second supervisor refused to work with my due to my "incompletence".

So how about it ladies? Anyone up for a date? No, seriously, here to talk and share experiences, especially depressives and those with CPTSD who struggle to maintain a veneer of sanity.

[CKS]

Hi Arthur

Have you had tests to eliminate ADHD or dyslexia or anything else? Surely someone can help you with this.My heart goes out to you.

CKS

[Hanna3]

Hi Arthur,

I'm sorry it looks like you've had some time to wait before getting replies here. I have trouble with dissociating and have made mistakes when it happens. Usually dissociation is a result of trauma as I understand it. Have you been to a counsellor/psychologist/doctor about it? At least understand what and why is happening to you helps, even if it doesn't completely stop it happening. It sounds like you've been having a very tough time with it. Do try to see if someone can find out what is causing it and give you some kind of assistance. Take care.

[Croix]

Dear ArthurFleck

First off I regret you have not been answered for ages here or in your other thread

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Looking to talk to anyone with CPTSD

however you have been conversing in the Bushfires thread where you make some valid points.

Looking at everything you have said I see someone with intelligence, the determination to gain a science degree, the community spirit to apply to two fire brigades and has had several job, hopefully you are still in your last one. You also have the fairness of mind to realise those unhelpful workmates did have cause.

This is all despite ongoing depression and CPTSD. Frankly I think there is an awful lot to you, and no, unlike your namesake I do not see you degenerating.

Now I'm no doctor, I'm an ex-policeman with PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety. That being said I find your constant little mistakes, from speeding to labeling all reminded me most closely of myself when I reached the stage I was invalided out of the force.

Like you forgot to look at road signs, or even go to the right destination. I was so often on autopilot. The mind was reliving other events, past and future. Like you my paperwork would be undone or go off on a tangent, or get several matter mixed. Great troubles not only with inattention or absentmindedness, but also temper and relations with others. Lots more.

To me (who only has himself to judge by) you seem to still be in the state I've just described. Your attention is simply not there a lot of the time. I don't know if you are reliving things, worrying about what might happen, or simply zoned out, however it seems the major hassle, and frankly would not be helped by the drink -but that's more minor.

I got out of it after I started to try to take my life. I was hospitalized. Before I did not really know what was happening and simply thought I'd been a failure.

A lot of specialized therapy wiht psychiatrists, the most effective in later years being talk. A great many meds until the right one was found. As I improved so did my concentration, my flights of mind became less and less.

I guess you must be under some sort of medical support to have been diagnosed. Can you talk with your medical team to find one specializing in CPTSD and point out your current treatment is not helping.

I had no quick fix, but now do responsible work, feel achievement and both give and receive love and support. I'm still under treatment.

Croix

[Guest_6465]

Thanks CKS. I suspect there is some kind kind of ADD behind it. Recently found a lot of old infants and primary school reports. I still get bored with everything really easy and I know that since year three I have had a very 'Walter Mitty' imagination about any kind of fantastical thing I would rather being doing.

As Yoda says "This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing."

[Guest_6465]

"unlike your namesake I do not see you degenerating."

I do. I refused to see the movie as a sibling I have who is very unwell saw it about 23 times and I thought it was going to be full of Wolf Creek like torture scenes and stuff. When I finally did after a really bad day inspired me to the most terrifying aspect was his pre-Joker life was like holding up a mirror to mine, from his current situation in the movie to the things in his past he investigates, hence the choice of avatar. I don't condone what he did in the finale, or becoming the monster we all know he becomes *Spoiler alert* When he got revenge on his colleague for getting him fires, I did feel real empathy and have fantasised about that, though he should have had the presence of mind to not have his gun him whilst performing, etc. But I do feel like especially after the events of last year and this recent PDA I am deteriorating further.

"I find your constant little mistakes, from speeding to labeling all reminded me most closely of myself when I reached the stage I was invalided out of the force." Again, thanks for the empathy but it does not fill me with a lot of hope, if someone who could initially cope with the police was eventually invalided out. I just know, now that funding is drying up, no money or resources for new projects or work, when they go looking for people to get rid of and take at best voluntary redundancy I will be first. One of the complaints was I was struggling with the numerical side of the job, which is a huge part of what I was supposed to be doing. I know maths has always been a weak point and I knew one day I would be "outed", but my numerics anxiety is deeply tied in with the CPTSD involved with early learning and the abuse associated with it from both parents and teachers.

[Croix]

Dear ArthurFleck~

Thanks for coming back, I'll take the second of your points first as it is the easiest. Yes I started out very capable, then I became ill and my abilities eroded drastically, to the point I could no longer work. All true. However the story does not end there.

I was suicidal and felt helpless and there was no hope. However after hospitalization and treatment -meds and therapy plus support at home I started to improve. I did a tertiary course (which took longer than normal) and was invited to teach as a result. I spent a long portion of my life doing exactly that. Not much room for mistakes when setting and marking exams.

So the story is one of falling down, but getting up again afterwards - with help.

You first point was you felt you would not improve, and saw parallels with Heath Ledger's role. Nothing is preordained, you mentioned in your reply to CKS you have an avid imagination that takes you on flights of fantasy, going beyond the boring and mundane. That can be a great asset in whatever you decided to do.

You already know you have application and the ability to control those flights, your science degree is testimony to that. You also know relying on numeracy may not be ideal. At the moment I don't think you see your own potential any more than I did when PTSD, depression and anxiety had their greatest hold. As I am sure you know depression narrows down one's world to a series of seemly unfix-able elements and hopelessness.

The Joker may have started out trying to support a pregnant wife and suffered ill luck, or a number of other origins. I can point to Ed McBain's police stores to similarities with my past, or GF Newman's police series for some of the things that have happened. It is simple coincidence, writers draw on a world of people, you are unique individual.

I guess the most important thing is the Joker appears negative, you do not. Maybe not in the best position in life ATM, but willing to assist the community.

Do you mind if I ask if you are under treatment to go with that diagnosis, and if so are you finding it changes your outlook for the better?

Croix

[Guest_6465]

"Do you mind if I ask if you are under treatment to go with that diagnosis, and if so are you finding it changes your outlook for the better?"

Not really. Been taking one medication on and off since first year of uni in 1996. Without it I would not have passed, especially numerical subjects. It was like a miracle cure at the time, but I feel with time, like any medication, you develop a tolerance. I do find however, going off it, you are fine for a while, you have a momentum, like a speeding car going off a cliff, you don't notice until you lose momentum, or you hit the bottom. You get back on it and you really feel the difference after a couple of weeks after it kicks it, and then you just flatline.

I saw a supposed expert in CPTSD mid last year when family+work events threatened to give me a proper nervous breakdown. Within 2 visits he was so excitedly convinced the miracle cure was a different medication. I was dubious at first but made an appointment with a psychiatrist that specialised in PTSD and this other medication. I was looking forward to trailing this during my summer holiday in a controlled and inconsequential environment (caravan park). Anyway, after taking half the day off from work, walking from one end of the CBD to the other in the heat wave, getting there 20 min early for expected paperwork, after nearly an hour, she didnt turn up, without any explanation from admin as to where or what she was doing. Furious, I did one of my famous stormouts. The kids going nuts in the waiting room were freaking me out and impunctuality, especially from so called professionals just triggers me - clergy, lawyers and doctors are the worst offenders. Anyway, I have another referral for another psychiatrist who might turn up on time, if at all. Problem is, the wait, is usually weeks, if not months. In my experience, I find the whole mental health profession a bit of a scam I wish I had the foresight to get in on when selecting uni subjects - $200 and hour for a psychologist, $400 an hour for a psych,and usually a wait of weeks at least unless there is a cancellation. Mentally ill usually arent the biggest earners, and they can charge this. Anyway, when I finally get to see him, will let you all how I go. In the meantime, when I quit my alcoholism and get back to the gym, I'll see how I go. Cheers Mate. BTW, when I was in years 10-12, the police was my dream career. Both NSW and Qld rejected me. Was devastated at the time but now know it was not for me.

[Croix]

Dear ArthurFleck~

Thee are an awful lot of people, me included, who have ceased a medication on the basis it was no longer needed, then found out they'd been overconfident. Sadly I was not able to return to that particular one with the same effect, a once only thing, don't know why.

I can live every step of the way to that psych's office from your description and the feeling when it seemed you were not even important enough to have other arrangements made or even be given a reason. Arrogance is as you say often the way, though to be fair without further information there might have been a valid reason.

You talked of quitting alcohol, is this something you plan to seek support in doing?

You probably had good luck in not being accepted for the police. It seeks outs one's weakest points and is not always livable as a result. I ended up a cast-off, and many I knew had failed marriages and alcohol abuse.

I would like to know how you go with the new psych when you finally get in.

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi ArthurFleck

I echo Croixs helpful support above. I see an intelligent and self aware achiever when you post...Example....when I joined the forums I didnt have the confidence to post my own thread topic for a couple of months....You have jumped straight in and shared your pain!....That to me makes you a very strong person!(especially when 70% of the hits to the Beyond Blue forums are from people that choose to 'read' only)...which is fine as many people choose not to post

This is my 37th year with decreasing depression and anxiety and it can be a dark place to be in Arthur..You have mentioned the cost of seeing a counsellor...and yes...you are spot on!

Since there is no such question as a dumb one....Can I ask if you have a GP who has a strong focus where mental health is concerned? Just for myself I still see my doc every 6 weeks for a 'fine tune' for the last 23 years. A GP can be a huge help....even if you want to have a chat...a cry...a vent. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so....the cost is minimal....and they are available. Making an initial double appointment is always a bonus so they can try to 'understand' your health properly and thus provide you with the care you are seeking

Anyhow...mental health aside...My congrats to you for achieving your degree 🙂 Nice1

my kind thoughts

Paul

I am sorry for the delay in receiving a response AF. We are usually quick in responding