Battling

[Old_Kiwi]

I have lived with this beast for a long time and I thought I had it sussed, I was feeling confident enough to arrange for a trade to do some work.long story short what was supposed to be 1 day turned into a 6 visit saga over 2 months and unfortunately included an episode where the incompetent salesperson demanded payment on the incomplete job whilst inside my house. although I was able to demand he left at that time I have since been really struggling as my mind is now back to that unsafe place and the haven I had worked so hard to find (my home) now doesn’t feel “safe” anymore.

Now , months later I am still struggling to regain any control. I feel like I’m back to the beginning and I’m so over the constant battle.

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi~

Welcome to the Forum. I have read your post to Littleboots and know that you have been a carer and that the things you have seen and heard have had a profound effect on you. While my experiences were personal I'd still consider we are much the same and I think of you as a 'first responded' too. Labels can get in the way

That post gives me some insight into the way you have built your home into a secure place, something very necessary. Keeping a distance from the environment that triggered you is wise. I never improved, quite the reverse, until I was out of my occupation.

It is a great pity that you had someone enter that safe place and cause hassles, however it is still safe, and now I guess you know more about yourself - you will take action to keep it safe, and that action works!

I'd think this means your safe place is a combination of home plus yourself and your abilities. I wonder if you think, even if uncomfortable at the moment, on the whole it is a good development? You are certainly not back at the start where the home by itself was the main place you could feel safe in.

I ended my employment and just being home was a mix of feelings, but safety was one of them. However over time that became not enough and I had to branch out, perhaps it might be the same for you after a while.

I don't realy understand exactly what you were referring to with the one day trade that turned out badly - my apologies. Did you mean you returned to caring for a day believing you could handle that , but due to unfortunate circumstances it turned into a long term commitment, and that simply was too much?

If that is the case then your intentions of returning to caring for one day might well have been a good move, and only ill luck has turned it sour. There must have been a change in you to consider even one day.

Christmas is a time that draws attention to being alone and without companionship and mutual enjoyment. Franklyn a lot of what one sees is sentimental and unrealistic fiction, there are many who would wish things were otherwise - I'm sure you are aware of this at an intellectual level, but emotionally it can still cause distress.

May I ask if you are under medical care for your PTSD? Thanks to that I can mostly lead a fruitful and happy life

Your struggle for control if you are like me will have ups and downs, but gets better as time, therapy and meds improve matters

I would realy like it if you came back and said more, you are not alone

Croix

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[Old_Kiwi]

Hi Croix

Nice to meet you, I’m pleased you responded as I feel that you are well versed in the erratic nature the PTSD beast we deal with judging on the posts I have seen. I refer to it as a beast because that’s what it feels like to live with, something that has invaded my head and refuses to leave.
My comment was literal, I had decided to replace a tired central heater, got 4 quotes all of which said it would take 1 day. Me & my PTSD buddy agree we can do 1 day with a worker/stranger in my house, it’s 1 day right, once upon a time in my life it was easy, everybody does it...........except the tosser’s I picked took 6 days. I just couldn’t hold my breath that long.

Anyway.......months later, still stuck hard in fight or flight mode, done the fights with the family shit that goes with it and alienated everybody.........

I was injured 7 years ago now. I’m very lucky that my 1st Psychologist and I connected, I saw her for 2 yrs before she became unavailable, the 2 since then Yeah no

same psychiatrist for that period (plus 8 on the lovely workcover journey), I keep seeing him because it’s easy . I’ve tried numerous medications 8 at last count, the last of which had my suicidal & hospitalised.

But, because I’m borderline suicidal again, I have tried another psychologist. It’s not working for me.

I have been given a GP’sname by a friend who’s daughter has responded well to, I have an appt next week🤞.
I feel so down at the moment, I was actually beginning to feel like I’d finally worked out how to live with this beast and now it’s the beast in control again

Old Kiwi

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi~

I've never seen it as a beast, which implies something outside oneself. In my case I saw it as part of me, probably a less helpful way than yours, dunno.

Yes you do have anger, suspicion, even contempt, and no energy to deal with family, and unless they are exceptionally giving then relations do break down. Being family things can repair sometimes. I was lucky.

I can understand the effect of these in your sanctuary, be they actually present or not. Your beast is slowly leaving, you have not ended up in hospital because of them, but are rebuilding that sanctuary, and a lot faster than the first time. How do I know this? Because it is me, and because your words make me feel it is true.

Medical professionals are mixed lot, and even good ones can be good in just their areas, in other areas they are not equipped. You were lucky for 2 years, then had a poor mix. It may be the new GP will be better. It is one of the things you have a bit of control over.

Please excuse me, I'm going to repeat myself - at wearisome length - and talk about my experiences, becuse at the start I would have dismissed the words as meaningless encouragement. They are fact.

I was a policeman, I was invalided out, told I'd never work again, and left at home with nothing, except family. And my interactions with them still fill me with regret although later things returned to how they should have been.

I've had a terrible GP to start with, then a mediocre one before finding, by luck, one that clicked. I stayed with him until he retired. I've had a couple of psychiatrists long term, both have been excellent, and some psychologists who have not been that much help.

Time, therapy, medication and luck, together with opportunities to do productive work in education have left me in a position where I am in control. I get support -and give it. I love and am loved, and I have satisfaction and accomplishment.

Yes, it's true I'm not "cured". I still react badly at times, still catastrophize, still require outside perspective. Often sleep very badly. But I realise these happen and make allowances. Before I simply reacted. ALL my symptoms are less strong, less often and less overwhelming.

You too are heading towards control. It is unfair it happens, it is horrible in its length, The old you is still inside but masked. It does re-emerge.

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Dear Croix.

Its very reassuring to read your advice because I know that its based on lived experiences. I. Take hope from your words because you appear to have been able to achieve balance and that elusive sense of self worth, these are my goals.

I had a good experience with the new GP I saw. I’m tentatively hopeful. He knew my language and has worked with other ex ressy workers, he KNEW about the solo overnight shifts, about the system, about the legal/workcover retraumatisation trial. He could tell ME my story!!!! Fingers crossed, wish me luck.

You are so right in your comments. As I slowly manage to breathe deeper again after my last “episode”, I do have to acknowledge that I am living with this imposter in spite of myself. I know what sent me reeling, but with a bit of settling I can acknowledge that I DID handle the situation when my back was again in the corner and I again kept myself safe. Well bugger me, the instincts are still intact. And I AM coming back quicker. Practice makes perfect ?

Connecting with kindred spirits is helping me too. I find it difficult to break my thought patterns in solitude and become self destructive, I’m realising I really need to connect. I think I’ve done a bloody good job at shutting the world out, so good that I’m struggling to find the keys.

Old Kiwi

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi~

A reassuring post from you, I think you have had some luck, and also maybe come to beleive in yourself a little more.

The luck, well getting a GP who knows the score is a rarity. Perhaps due to that he may be in a position to advise you on a decent psychiatrist or psychologist. I've needed therapy ever since, and it has mainly worked, visiting the psych is just part of life now.

More luck in connecting with others here. It can be extremely hard to open up, or trust, even in a totally anonymous environment, however you can hear from those that have lived the whole PTSD experience and are not alone. If you read my last post to Littleboots in the PTSD for Medical and First Responders thread you'll know one lives with part of it, a lifetime gift as it were, however that is not as bad as it sounds. I get by pretty well.

Practice and time most certainly make a huge difference. You had been isolated in your house for ages, and the first unwelcome intrusion was bound to have a big effect. You handled it and I'd expect the next such event will be a little easier. Possibly the best gain was your deciding to admit someone in the first place.

You do not have to struggle here, you say what you'd like, and no more. And if you wish to talk about something other than PTSD that's fine.

May I ask when did you last see NZ?

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Dear Croix.

Again, wise words and knowing your advice comes from lived experiences helps. I acknowledge that I had a problem connecting with a couple of psychologists, probably exacerbated by their comparative youth, and that I was quick to feel patronised . I still am very quick to feel that way. That began for me when I was widowed (coincidence I have noted) 21 years ago and unfortunately a person made a big noise commiserating with me, they understood how I felt because their grandfather had just died. What can you say? I was burying my 47yr old life partner. How does that compare? Ever since, those little words “ I know how you feel” have sent my hackles up and PTSD has made me even worse. But I realise that you DO probably know how I feel and so I can hear you.

It has helped me connecting with you, I thank you, and Others on this forum and realising that I am not alone in this. And that it will and can get better.

I already know this, after all 6 months ago I was confident enough and feeling well enough to even consider having strangers in my safe space. Shame it turned to shit. But I DID stand up for myself when it mattered and keep myself safe. Actually, I rock!!
But I’m still working hard trying to get back to where I was.

I do know that like you, I can exist with this. Now I need to start living with it. I would really like for it to just walk with me and not drag me along like it’s been doing lately.
I just hope that along this path that the pitching eases off sometime?

Ive been back to NZ most recently 2 years ago but had a major falling out with my remaining sister last time, her crap not mine, so I can’t see myself going again. I had to work really hard to get on a plane, too many triggers and I could only do it because of memory. But saying that, I did do it, I rocked then too lol.

Old Kiwi

[Croix]

Dear Old Kiwi

I guess you ride with it, and the longer you go the less it impacts and the more practiced you become in coping with it. That is not to say ignore it, but take (hopefully pre-planned) measures to counteract it and get though. As an example I'm going though a less than perfect time and as a result have changed some measures, trying for more distraction via reading and movies I've seen before and know their effect, more and longer visits to psychiatrist, Other things too too but you get the idea.

Being patronized by somebody 1/2 one's age or less is common, thinking their ideas (often from uni) are all there is in the world of therapy can be a big mistake. No doubt the theories are more or less correct, however their application is what counts.

To take a prosaic example one can learn to weld well, but to construct using welding is another matter. I've found it is my rapport with the therapist has by far the biggest influence, it allows me confidence, it allows them to see if they are on the right track.

Being given sympathy is a touchy subject, partly becuse one does not wish to be unkind to the sympathizer who may have the very best of intentions, however it so often highlights the difference in understanding the sympathizer has - something I've unreasonably resented. Impractical suggestions "Can't you ..." are the worst.

Of course this does not apply to the 'Just move on' brigade, for whom I suspect they satisfy their urge to fix with a trivial statement.

Your episode with the workmen did not end in shit. You managed it, you did not end up in hospital, you coped, and seeing the extent of the problem was unanticipated means that coping ability is even more robust than you anticipated.

I buried my first wife too in her 40's after 25 years. So I guess I'm qualified to say I get the picture though our reactions were very probably different. It's a pity abut your sister, no hope there? With some people there certainly is no hope, my parents were like that, but with others there can be an accommodation, better than solitude in some ways.

One tends to forget the wisdom one is piling up by long term harrowing experiences

The best holiday I ever had was in NZ, the year they brought in GST. I spent it with my wife in a tiny hire car going from one back-packers to the next, mostly over the southern island. The sight of a huge seal fast asleep on the grassy edge of a foreshore highway is a lasting image of how much more there is in the world.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Old-Kiwi
The internet may have eaten this last post so here it is again:

I’d expect that you, like me, remain overly-suspicions. A lifetime gift from PTSD (plus being a policeman). As a result you might have considered my similar experiences were made up in a silly effort to give comfort. Why not think that, it is a valid idea after all? I’d not blame you if you had.

This came to me as I was re-reading about the deaths of our spouses.

Actually I’ve mentioned my first wife passing many times on the Forum, just one example of many can be found here

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Alcohol, burns, death, abandonment, homelessness, pain, divorce- healed- but cannot forgive myself.

(My post of 10 February 2017 is the one in question)

Croix

[Old_Kiwi]

Hi Croix.

Ah, NZ is GODZONE, so beautiful. Idid my Sth Island adventure in a camper van (I come from Nth). I will forever miss the green, but my heart does now belong to Oz, she writes on Australia Day. Unfortunately it takes events such as the current fires for me to realise this. My heart is bleeding, I can’t watch it anymore, so have had to disconnect from media.

My sister, I’ve tried but I have to acknowledge that it’s her shit, not mine that’s the major factor. She is a angry person. I know her life has not been easy and I know she’s had to fight hard but I am not the reason why and I can’t/won’t be the brunt of or affected by her anger anymore. Letting it go.

Im acknowledging your words Croix, this last event wasn’t as deep and I’m coming back faster. I think I’m learning how, finally. Still really pissed though, I could have lived without that knowledge lol.

I really envy your ability to read, that has been a major loss for me as I can’t remember a time previous to this when I didn’t take a book to bed. Because I’ve needed to disconnect from media lately I have been at a loss so I have just downloaded Audible. Here’s hoping listening instead works. Fingers crossed. My concentration is shot, so bad at the moment but it will be better. Jigsaws work for me when I’m at my worst, they stop the spinning and narrow my focus backdown. However, because I’m obsessive, once started that’s where I am till it’s finished, you can’t put them down like a book, and I can’t do them at night because the light isn’t good enough. So here’s hoping that listening is the key back to reading for me 🤞.

I need to admit to feeling pretty reasonable at the moment. Just recently the planets have aligned, friends here from overseas, me helping others etc and as a consequence I have been very connected recently. And I need to admit that I feel better for it. Shutting myself away as I do to minimise reactions has become a habit. There’s a fine line between sanctuary and sole confinement and I need to find the key, more balance. Working on it.

Keep them coming, you help

Old Kiwi