Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

It was Ghost the musical. The last few I have seen were Matilda with my daughter who shares the same name, Dirty Dancing and Wicked. I have seen a lot more 🙂

I think of all of them Wicked was my favourite. I just loved the creativity of the story and the performance was flawless.

What are your favourite musicals?

Cheers,

Carol

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, Dear Sherie, Dear Carol,

I hope you are all well.

Neil, I hope you had a good weekend training & finalising your preparation for Japan! When are you leaving?

Sherie, I hope you are recovering ok from your treatment and feel less exhausted.

Carol, how are you? My favourite musical is Phantom of the Opera, I saw the original cast in New York, many moons ago.

I've had a few good days. Then I think of something and I wonder if I will ever stop crying once I start. I'm still not crying. Throughout my abuse and bullying I had to keep a straight face and hide it from the world. After all my major losses in life, I had to stay strong and take responsibility. There was never much time for grief. There were always more pressing issues to work on and people worse off than myself. I am trying to work on acceptance and question what I resist. I figured out this morning that I don't deserve to be happy - that is the way I feel. I am trying to be open to the way I feel. I'm not sure what to do with this new awareness.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy,

Thanks for the update. Thanks for asking how I am - Briefly, I'm still fighting the physical symptoms of anxiety, but they are reducing. Sleep is an issue, but getting in an occasional nanna nap during the day keeps me going.

The only major musical production I have seen has been Cats when it was on it Sydney years ago. Unless the Gilbert & Sullivan productions which Jon English featured in, count? I have seen all of them - Pirates of Penzance, The Mikado and HMS Pinafore. They were fun, funny, lively and quality productions. I saw them all when they came to Canberra, where I lived at the time. Oh, nearly forgot - I saw "The Sound of Music" off Broadway in New York in the year 2000. We were there about a year before the 9/11 attacks and, like most, did the Twin Towers tour.

Yggy, I'm pleased to hear that you have had a few better days. However, I totally fail to understand this new awareness (and apparent acceptance) that you dont deserve to be happy! Whatever makes you think that? Of course you deserve to be happy. None could be more deserving than you of a bit of peace and happiness in their life. Never let the thought that you are undeserving of happiness become an accepted part of your psyche. You definitely need to challenge that thought. When you next see your therapist for your Acceptance Therapy, please mention it to him/her. Hopefully they will help you work through this 'way off target' thought.

Please take care yggy.

Much love.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I have not seen the Phantom live but would love to.

May I ask what thoughts make you feel like you don't deserve to be happy?

I'd also like you to ponder the question, if you think about other people, what things make a person undeserving of happiness?

Absolutely no pressure to respond if you don't want to.

We have just met and while I don't know you too well just yet, in my opinion you deserve to be happy. The few reasons I have so far, and I am sure I will find more as I get to know you, are;

*You are thoughtful, remembering other peoples appointments and hardships

*You are kind, always have lovely positive words to say to others

*You are humble

*You are resilient, to have survived moments of great pain and sadness

*You are kind and generous, you give support to others while you are suffering

*You are making good choices, to seek GP, psych assistance and support from BB to work through your illness.

*You have a lovely personality, warm and caring despite having a low time with your illness

*You are attractive to others, just look at how many people here care about you without having ever met you

Thinking of you and would like to hear your thoughts if you are ok to share.

Carol xx

[Guest_2350]

Thank you so much Carol,

you are making me tear up. Thank you for saying so many wonderful things. I will read them a few times before I go - I am supposed to meet some friends for a drink tonight and am getting very anxious.

I don't know why I feel I don't deserve to be happy. My psych says its like peeling an onion. So I guess I might have to wait a while before I know why I feel that way. I think some stuff has gone wrong when I was a kid. Sometimes I get angry with my parents and then I think they would not have wanted knowingly for me to get hurt like that. I get flashbacks and all of the sudden I remember something new. A lot of my memories were gone, but have started resurfacing.

I am anxious right now and I think that makes my confusion worse. I only have to go for 1 hour, but it scares me - how silly... I know I should not say how silly. I should be kind to myself.

How are you, Carol? How was your weekend?

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Hi Sherie,

I always wanted to see Pirates of Penzance and The Sound of Music. I visited the town where the movie was made last year.

Sherie, perhaps I don't understand that ACT thing, but I thought it was all about being aware about what I think? I thought it is not about challenging but accepting that I feel a certain way? I am still confused about the whole thing. I was trying today to figure something out and then that thought hit me. I will talk to my psych about it. I don't even know if I think it is good or bad. A few months back I ran through the forest and was getting worried that something could happen. Then I got calm and just thought it does not matter. I am not upset thinking about whether or not I deserve happiness. I thought it's ok if I'm not upset.

I hope you will start to feel better soon. When is your next EMDR session? Are you feeling ok to go there again?

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Yes, I must admit I dont know enough about ACT therapy to know either. You are well ahead of me there. But if it is making you think in any way that you dont deserve to be happy, then something is definitely wrong. Perhaps I could understand you thinking and accepting that you may never be happy. But I simply cannot understand nor accept that you dont deserve to be happy. There is a major difference! You DO deserve to be happy.

My next EMDR session is on Friday. Just enough time to recover before we go again. Next time should be a little easier though, or so I'm told. Hope thats the case anyway ..... ( - : Yes, I'm sure I'll be right to go again, come Friday. Cant back out now, it would mean another failure.

Have a good evening.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie,m

lately I seem to have so much more memories coming back, not just the big ugly ones, but also small ugly ones. I feel stunned and somehow in a calm state of no reaction. As if I am in the eye of the storm. I can see everything flying around me and being devastated, but all is calm where I am. It does not hurt me that I think I don't deserve to be happy, a lot does not upset me at the moment. I did talk to my psych about not feeling much at all anymore and will do so again. I think I am just tired of fighting.

Tace care, Yggy x

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

Are you doing the ACT therapy with your psych or in a workshop external to your psych?

I don't know anything about ACT except what I just read on the Internet (and I have problems concentrating so I think I take less in at the moment). However, what you wrote above sounds like things to do with the first step of defusion.

Do you think that perhaps all these memories coming up and the way you feel are happening as part of the therapy?

Even with my vague understanding of the defusion step, I am still worried about your specific words of not deserving to be happy. It sounds like Sherie is concerned about that too. Can I suggest that you consider talking to your psych about that specific thought?

Here for you lovely,

Carol xx

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy,

Just letting you know that we fly out tomorrow, so I won’t be here much more for a few weeks.

Getting closer now … so a fair bit to do; but I do have a good book; plus on the plane, they have heaps of movies, and doco’s to watch, as well as games that I can play as well.

It’s just the economy night time and the people who recline their seats in front – it leaves you with so little room, and me being me, I barely move my seat, cause I am concerned for the person behind me.

It’s great that you’ve got a few others who have joined here and you’re having great chats with them.

Please take care and keep doing all the things you feel are the right things.

Kind regards

Neil