Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

That was fantastic to read how you are today.  Wow, that pleased me so much, especially for how you’ve been going of late … that is a massive positive.  And YES, hold on to that for as long as you can.  Do well at work, then home and perhaps another cycle.  Or even a walk.

The easter egg hunt … yes, I do that every year … I go around on the Saturday night, and pop little eggs all over the house.  And it’s so awesome now that I’m getting older, cause half the time, I can’t remember where I put them, only 8 hours or so before hand.  But my daughter still enjoys the chase;  and there’s still a few that she’s missed out on.  She’s 15, but I’ll continue this until she moves out. 

Not sure about Japan preps, I s’pose they’re all on track.  Bit nervous about the trip, but with partner and daughter there and a billion other Japanese, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Not overly sure about training while I’m away … if I find a gym, I’ll certainly try to get a few sessions in … but it won’t be high priority.  Bit of a break won’t harm me at this point in time.  Give those niggles bit more of a chance to heal up.

The dog’s sitting in the kennel, with ears up and not asleep … so things aren’t as bad as they have been for so long at the moment, but you kind of feel on edge a lot of the time.

I so hope you’re able to keep feeling this way that you are at the moment.

Neil

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

It has been great getting to know you in the cafe. Dropping in here to say that I am thinking of you and so that I can get to know you more.

Kind thoughts,

Carol xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Carol,

 I think that's awesome and the more interaction we have, I think the better.  Friends can be hard to find, perhaps out in the real world, but here is also real and this is somewhere where we all feel comfortable and supported.

Cheers

Neil

[Lost_Girl]

Thanks Neil and hello to you too!

I have observed a lot of real frienships on the BB forums.  In some ways I think they are more real here because people are sharing such raw emotion and bonding at a much deeper level. In the real world it is sometimes much more confronting to let people see past the various social facades people portay.

I am well blessed with my real life friends and twice blessed with the ones I am making here. The people I have met here are some of the kindest and most giving people I have met.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil & Sherie & Carol,

thank you so much for your posts. It is truly wonderful to have a  place like this where we can just be. And it is wonderful that there are so many lovely people here.

The clarity did not last long. And I guess that is okay too. I am making progress. The last time I saw my GP he asked how my mood had been and I said up and down and then corrected myself that it was more down and downer... So having a clear day is an improvement. I actually felt love and joy briefly for the first time in ages.

I find the greatest challenge with friends "on the outside" is for me personnally that I have no idea how to explain to them how I feel. I get scared by my own feelings, sometimes I feel like a freightened 5 year old and I can see that I get paralysed and I cannot do anything against it. Then I have days after days where I am just angry with the world and I have times when I am just feeling hopeless and see no way forward. HOW am I supposed to explain that to someone who has no idea how this feels like, let alone understands why this can happen? How is someone supposed to understand this, if I can still function on the outside - not as well as I used to and I am having more and more time off sick, but I still function. How can I explain that when surrounded by joy I can still feel like I don't want to be here anymore? How can I explain to someone that it is just too hard at times, and I need to get support when times get desperate?

Perhaps it is just me and I still cannot accept what is happening, but I still feel at loss. I do talk a sentence or so to my husband and friend every other week, but I can see the shock in their eyes, when I tell them how much effort it can be to go out for a cup of coffee. How I don't enjoy myself going to do something fun, and I just go so I don't give up on myself. How is it for them to know that I just don't feel anything anymore when I am out with them? Well I need to correct that - I do feel safe with them, otherwise I would not do it.

So I am grateful there is a place where I can say all this.

Thank you for being here for me and take care, Yggy

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I told my friends I can only tskk via text because ph and in person was too hard. I sent them the bb info on depression and also info on "what not to say to a person with depression" from the internet when I found them saying all the wrong things.

I had a friend turn up from Qld to "surprise" me. I have known her since kinder, we grew up together in Tas and we are really close. I couldn't even hug her. I felt so angry, furious even. I knew she thought she was doing the right thing but I hated it. Luckily hubby was home and saved me by talking to her. He knows my angry even when I am masking it. So sitting in my pjs, unshowered for 2 days, my naturally curly hair now sticking up like a vertic as l dreadlock afro witch do, I told her that I was a mess. I cry all day, I am in pain constantly all day everyday unless I am asleep and I pretty much don't sleep. She kept saying, I just wanted to see you're ok. I kept saying, I'm not. Her Mum called while she was here and she said to her "yes, I'm here now, she's fine, just tired". She went with hubby to get the older kids from school and I pretended to be asleep when she came back. She had another friend in Sydney so she went to visit them and said she'd come back 2 days later to say bye before flying home. 2 days later she called in the morning and her name showed on the phone and I just couldn't answer it. She turned up that afternoon and stayed for a few hours...same conversation then she left. It was horrible and this is one of my best friends, more like a sister.

I have had others invite me to "fun" things but I just can't do it. I did get out to see a musical with another close friend. It had been planned for 6 months. She was much more understanding and it was a quiet day in that we didn't talk too much and she didn't ask me how I was. I enjoyed the musical but cried to hubby when I got home. Normally I love the theatre. I love it so much that normally my heart races and I experience such joy that I get happy tears. I didn't feel that and I missed being "me".

I get it Yggy. That's why this place is so special. You're not alone.

Lots of love to you Yggy and a big hug xx

[Guest_5218]

Aww Yggy, you remembered our Cafe conversation that I have been following your thread. Thankyou for including me in your reply, you are very kind. Now you've forced me into replying! ( - :

I am really sorry to hear that your brief moment of clarity has now diffused. Scattered for the time being, but waiting to be pieced back together again. I have hope and great confidence that it will happen soon.

The Forums are a great place to 'unleash our demons' and that is what I find so helpful too I think. Being able to be totally honest and say what's really on my mind. An outlet to express myself. I read back through my anniversary thread a couple of days ago to check on some advice there. I had no idea I had written so much! Those sleepless fearful nights through February were obviously spent typing away my life story, my fears, my emotional turmoil. People here understand though, and I have received so much welcome advice and support in my time here. I am ever so grateful to the Forums for providing that vehicle. I'm pleased you find it helpful as well.

I am wishing for that clarity to return to you again soon Yggy. Dont give up hope, you know its obtainable now.

Take care, wont you. And love and a big hug to you.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

how are you? I was thinking of you this morning, as I am travelling for work and I was thinking about your preps for Japan. So I thought I share a few things from my travels.

It helps me to have some kind of routine even when travelling. In Europe especially, but also here, it was good to spend some time on my own every morning - I'm an early riser anyhow, so that helps. Today I went for a walk and now I'm having a coffee in a cafe, all on my own. I am listening to music that calms me and think about the day ahead. That helps me.

When I was training madly, I would know what facilities the hotel had, they normally have a running machine and also often weights. I would check out if there are safe walking paths, a pool nearby and plan my training & pack my gear the way it was required. That's probably why I like my morning routine the way it is.

For the flights I have activities with me, you could buy a magazine at the airport that interests you or I have even bought books, as there is so much choice at airports. I also listen to calming music when I get anxious.

And that is normally all the prep I do. Everything else I find out when I get there or someone else plans it for me.

Let me know how you feel. Japan will be lovely with your wife & daughter in tow.

Have a lovely weekend and take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Carol,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends visit. That is so hard for us, for our family and friends. So proud that you went to see the musical, what did you go to see? I love musicals myself but have shied away from booking anything.

It's a good idea to share information with friends so they know what could be good.

I'm running out of time to write this morning.

Hope you are ok and have nice plans for the weekend, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie,

i will be thinking of you today and hope that the EMDR will go well for you. You mentioned an information leaflet? What are you supposed to expect?

Stay strong and all the best, Yggy