Living in a dream

[sara111]

Hi

I'm living life in my tv, laptop and dreams. They're where I feel normal. My home's untidy to the point I have no clean plates or utensils and I don't even want to shower or look after myself. I do things when I'm feeling good but mostly I'm lost in pretend worlds that offer make believe and fantasy.

I live alone and don't often receive visitors. My dressing gown's the clothing of choice most days. I'm not happy but I'm not unhappy either. Numb. My psychologist's away for a couple of months. I can't really afford her anyway.

I'm getting rid of myself slowly with cigarettes and bad food and lack of exercise. No more money for cig's soon. I'll be lost without them.

I'm ashamed but when I try to force myself to get into things I feel like fading away into a peaceful endless sleep.

thanks for listening

Sara

[Vero]

Hi Sara,

trust you had a pleasant Sunday.

I was planing to make bird feeders today (I use old mugs, feel them with a seed mix mixed with egg white, insert a stick, dry it in the oven and hang on the trees) but did not get to it. It is getting cold and I can see birds are looking for something to eat. I am a bit concerned for little finches. They have such tiny bodies. I noticed the return of king parrots, rosellas pigeons, bowerbirds, magpies. Have not seen white cockatoos. But don’t miss them either. Yes they are noisy, extremely destructive and last year one of them killed a little finch. I chased them away since them.

it must have been a magical moment to watch the first snow. We only get it occasionally and then it is such a big sensation, it attracts crowds.

The therapy for me is a negotiation between trusting self and the therapist. There’re was a point few years ago when I lost all hope. I am very grateful the therapist hold that hope for me “however long I needed”. My recovery does not have a steady speed, things happen when I’m ready. What your experiences with ET?

Just wondering, when you say you protecting yourself from you, do you mean self sabotage?i think I do quite a bit of this and just ignore it as a token of self love.

I have stared 2 threads but had a feeling I may know one of the respondents, so I have not replied there for a day or so. Not sure how to go about it yet. Anonymity is critical for all participants.

I have discovered this site is searchable by either topics, words or members’ names.

Take care

[sara111]

Sunday was nice, thankyou for asking Vero.

I like your idea for a bird feeder. I don't see many finches in these parts too often. The larger birds take priority.

Self sabotage? What do you mean by '..a token of self love'?

'Protecting myself from me' relates to not caring for myself as I should. It's become habitual as I said in my intro.

My form of ET began when I realised it wasn't others who made my life worse. It was my responses and behaviour that needed to change. So slowly I developed 'safety' words and actions.

The first thing I did was learn to step away from simple situations or conversations that challenged me. With family for instance. I'd take a deep breath then physically step backwards and just 'listen'. If I was seated I'd imagine I was doing it.

I listened and listened without offering much into the conversation at all. I learned heaps about them and who they really were. More than that though I learned about me. How I was just as dysfunctional as they were.

I had to change. My safe words started with; "I have to go home now" or "I don't have an opinion about that". Seemingly inane phrases, but extremely gut wrenching to begin with. I'd be in a sweat and shaking uncontrollably.

Gradually my courage and confidence grew. So did my communication skills. These days it's more complex. I've learned not to put myself in situations in the first place and to recognise when my childhood auto responses kick in.

As you can tell, my ET is about 'speaking up'. To 'observe' before speaking. It's not others I need to be afraid of; it's me that has control.

I needed to write this today. Thankyou for asking.

Talk soon.

Sara

[Vero]

Hi Sara, good to hear from you.

very interesting insides into your reflective mind and you worked very hard to get here. Such a self restraint and than mastery of expression must have taken a lot of training and your energy. That is a huge accomplishment.

My self sabotage in a form of a token of self love manifests for example in having cookie whilst being on a diet aiming At weight loss. The cookie represents unreserved self love.

I hope this makes sense. It is getting hard to think. Have a good night.

[sara111]

Thankyou for those nice compliments. 🙂 I am proud of myself.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Have some rest and take time for you. You deserve it.

My best - Sara

[J-J]

Hi Sara,

I feel you and have been there, however, I don't smoke.

• I would create a todo list and cross stuff off the instant satisfaction should keep you going.
• I would clean the kitchen and pack away the extra cups, spoons, plates, and bowls and only have enough unpacked for one use. This will help stop the pile growing because you need to clean something before you use it.
• Dream about what life you want to have instead of daydreaming about being something your not. I need to take this advice myself

JJ

[sara111]

Thanks JJ it's nice to meet you and great of you to pop in. I think there's probably more people in my boat than once thought. I've tried 'to-do' lists that work for a day or two then fall by the wayside.

This habitual behaviour of mine has been around for a long time. It sort of got me through tough times when I needed to rest and recover from trauma. I was a very damaged woman.

When loneliness and fear were my constant, smoking, food, tv and the pc became like friends or companions, housework was secondary.

I talked to my psych back then and agreed the timing wasn't right to change until my mind began healing. It would've exacerbated already damaged thinking and ptsd symptoms.

I do have sporadic episodes of energy and motivation. Moreso during warmer months. Tonight for instance, I cleared my bedroom of clutter (floor-drobe lol) and changed linen. The bedside tables are in the spare room so I can move furniture around tomorrow. A change is as good as a holiday.

The thing is though, I'm shaking like a leaf. I've tried sleeping but feel I need med support as it's pretty bad. If there's underlying factors, I might need to discuss them with someone. As my psych's out of town, I have to rely on a stranger.

I don't think I'm up to dreaming of a new future yet. It may play on previous obsessions. Getting through each day takes precedence. I'm really grateful for your advice though. They're simple concepts.

Take care - Sara

[sara111]

I can't sleep. It's 4am and 4 hrs since looking at a photo of myself. I didn't cry, but maybe I should've. At least I might've slept afterwards.

It's quiet. Only the sound of my refrigerator humming then cutting out. Teeth are slightly chattering, chest vibrating and a bit breathless. I'm not at my best.

I guess this time of the morning is as good as any for introspection. I'm fearful of what the future holds in regards to my health. I started this thread to talk about my inability to keep routines, but it's turned into something bigger.

Both my grandmothers died before 65. My mum used to worry she'd join them but she's long past that due by date. Still eating sugary high fat snacks while watching tv. Her favourite pass-time.

I took readings an hour ago. (Aren't smart phones great?!)

Oxygen saturation was at 94%, not good. BP was 120/73 - not bad at all. Sugar was 5.6 (not fasting) which is within normal limits. (3.4 - 7.2) Heart rate was 78 but my stress levels can be attributed to this.

All in all it wasn't life threatening. So what am I worried about? That damned photo!

Getting older isn't easy. I wanted to write 'old' but that's a matter of opinion right? Mum's in her late 70's but I don't see her as old, just cranky. lol

So, looking at myself in that photo, I didn't know who I was. Some random stranger trying to smile for the camera not realising how it captured every flaw.

My once beautiful eyes are tired and sad looking, hair's yellowing from cheap colours, my skin's taken on a motley paleness that only industrial make-up could fix and a round face that used to look defined and oval. I'm cringing.

Positives? Although the corners of my eyes droop, my eyebrows haven't. That's nice. They're still blue thank goodness. I have all my own teeth and my lips haven't thinned. And my body? Well, it matches my face - round.

The truth hurts. Cameras don't lie.

What a pitiful post. Better out than in I suppose. That's what this forum's for isn't it? Thank goodness no-one's around to witness this 'feel sorry for me' post.

Best go.

[Doolhof]

Hi Sara,

Just dropping by to see how yo are getting on. Did you manage to change any of your furniture around? How about those dishes, did you manage to get any of those washed? I like the idea JJ gave you to have only one set of everything, that way you need to wash them to use them again and nothing feels too overwhelming.

I haven't read all of this thread, so I am not sure if you manage to get outside at all. I know the weather may not be pleasant depending on where you live. Is it possible for you to get outside now and then?

If you are fearful about what the future holds for your health is there something you can start to do now to improve your health?

Procrastination can be troublesome as can trying to find motivation and determination. Even doing one small thing each day to make a positive change can help.

Hope you manage to find some will power to make changes.

Cheers from Dools

[sara111]

Thankyou for posting on my thread Dools. Yes, room was changed around successfully. Kitchen is as tidy as necessary too.

I get out to shop etc but don't like social situations much. Weathers too bismal to go outside.

Procrastination is a disease. But thankyou for your comments.

Be back later.

Sara

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Sara;

Reading thru your posts I'm wondering if there's any underlying issues that might be the culprit for procrastinating.

Just a thought;

Kind thoughts;

Sez