It hurts.

[Centaured]

Ive blamed myself for my trauma my whole life. I'm starting to realise I'm right and that hurts. Not only was it my my fault but my actions following it led me down a dark path and I don't know how its ever going to change.

So yeh background on the first paragraph. my behavioural support practitioner saw me today and has told me we are going to start doing therapy together and wanted me to write some things down on what we need to address. I was randomly writing stuff about believing some stuff was my fault and some stuff that has happened. The I started crying. Now I'm wanting to self harm because the thing that was fault led to my first self harm and then everything has just escalated the last 10 years since then.

How do you rectify PTSD with knowing you caused in the first place. Let alone trying to manage DID and bipolar amongst it all. I'm tired. I wish that first suicide attempt had just worked, even after these years.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Sorry to hear it's been tough to see a psychiatrist and that you've been struggling with suicide. It sounds like you are looking forward to your trip. Hope you have a wonderful time. If you are struggling at any point and need support don't hesitate to reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. 

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I too hope the Tassie trip gives you a break, not only from your current surroundings, but from the thoughts, lack of sleep and hospitalizations. There is a great deal to see and I'd suggest MONA in Hobart as an interesting private museum - if it is not too expensive you can ride there in a catamaran from the Hobart docks.

If you get the chance we would be interested in how you are getting on when you are down there

Croix

[Centaured]

I love mona Croix. When I loved in Tassie I got to go a few times. It has some amazing stuff there and even the architecture of the place is pretty good.

I'm also looking forward to hobarts botanical gardens, Ive not actually been there and a friend promised to take me.

I'll be spending most of my holiday in the north of the state, there's also some good museums and galleries all around that area. And of course some amazing local produce.

Im looking forward to seeing my dad.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

It's been a while since I had the chance to go to the Bot. Gardens in Hobart. A fascinating place full of unexpected plantings and shadings. One can spend a restful day there if so inclined.

In the north of the state I remember being in Low Head at dusk and watching the fairy penguins come in from the sea. It was well set up and the guides had red lights. Over too soon.

Is it a while since you have seen your dad?

Croix

[Centaured]

I want to write something...but can't form words ...i guess this is something. So yeh. Um...

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

Thanks for checking in tonight. We know it can be tricky finding the right words to describe how we are feeling but please know we're here to listen and support you. Please do share more with us if you feel up to it. Our Support service is also available if you'd like to chat with someone about these feelings. They're available anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 
   

[Centaured]

It's just....this place, this house. I have so many memories here. So many not so good memories.

I don't know why I came back.

[Centaured]

Why am I even here

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centuared,

Thanks for sharing a bit more with us, we're sorry to hear you struggling at the moment. Could you share a bit more with us about where you are? are you at your father's house tonight? We can understand how overwhelming that must be, memories can be bittersweet. 

[Centaured]

So I'm staying at my ex's. Long story short before he lived here I did, that was a long time ago, im talking between 6 and 8 years ago.

A lot of stuff happened at this house I can't go into. And now I'm sleeping in a room where stuff happened and yeh.

I also saw my dad today, and I went to the house I grew up in ...that's also brought up a lot memories.

lets just say I'm not coping at all. Why can't we just....