isolated and publicly humiliated and ostracised

[Kristie_H]

Hi, I am a single mum of great kids but I can't deal with the pain of my failings anymore. My kids and I have been through a life of trauma. My parents were abusive, I chose alcohol to deal with the pain and had a series of dv relationships. Two of my children have moved out and the two at home are in high school. I love my children but I am struggling with the guilt of letting them down. My regret list is long and so I turned to alcohol again the other night and it has made my life worse. My public life that is. I am targeted by my local community online which my ex started and now has a life of its own. My mental breakdown was publicized, rumours, slut shaming you name it they post it about me. Also, because we live in a small town I am noticed everywhere and it keeps the pain of rejection alive and strong. I am treated as less than human and it breaks my heart every day I have to get up and face other people's judgment. I have also lost all of my friends and I have been battling depression, anxiety, and PTSD alone for years but it is becoming unbearable with no friends or support to move forward. I feel like a failure as a human and mother and that I cannot see my life getting any better or even have a purpose anymore.

I am reaching out because I can't take being alone much longer. Every part of my heart hurts because I feel like a failure as a parent and human. I just really need someone to hear, is why I am reaching out.

[therising]

Hi Kristie

I'm so glad to hear you're channeling powerful aspects of yourself. I smile when I say there are definitely people in my life who can naturally channel the intolerant cow in me. They have an amazing ability when it comes to triggering her to come to life 🙂 Was talking to someone at work tonight about this particular aspect of self actually. My pal at work said 'You should give her a name (that part of me)'. We gotta celebrate that liberating part of our self at times Kristie. It's a powerful part of who we are. The worst of people can bring this empowering part of us to life.

Actually, was having a discussion with another pal at work about empaths. Such a fascinating topic, for sure. When you're 'a feeler' life definitely becomes challenging. My 19yo daughter's a feeler/empath, occasionally saying to me if I'm stressing 'Stop it! I can feel what you're doing to me. Shift your focus and stop getting me as worked up as you'. My 16yo son's also an empath, currently in the process of mastering emotional detachment. He tends to favor his analytical side these days and, in doing so, can emotionally detach from a degrading depressing person in the blink of an eye. It's impressive. He's also becoming rather confrontational while mastering constructive analysis. When once he suffered terribly through years of bullying at school, now he's inclined to analyse and question such a person ('Why are you so incredibly depressing?) 'or verbally shut them down so he doesn't have to listen to them.

An empath will definitely feel a degrading person. They have quite a vibe to them, indeed. You can just feel them bringing you down. During my years in depression, I used think such a person was spot on when it came to how they labeled me. I used to easily believe them and their degrading depressing words. These days it's a very different story. Hope I get a laugh out of you when I offer the following...

When you feel yourself in the presence of a seriously degrading depressing person, interrupt them by saying 'Please excuse me as I test my psychic abilities'. They may look at you strangely as you raise your hands in front of you (shoulder height) with palms facing them. Develop a look of deep concentration on your face in the lead up to exclaiming 'You know what, I get a strong sense that I'm in the presence of an a-hole. Am I right? I do believe I am. Being so sensitive, I have a knack for sensing such people'. Then you may offer a sly grin if you so wish 🙂

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Yes, a safety plan is great! Especially when all the negative thoughts are coming in and taking over. A safety plan can involve implementing your favourite hobbies or things that make you feel happy. E.g. when you feel a bad thought is coming, read a few posts from the Beyond Blue forums to make yourself feel better.

You have been extremely strong and as I said before, I am truly inspired by your courage.

I am really glad that the Beyond Blue forums have helped you through your tough times. Always here for you and we all appreciate you being so open here. You deserve every good thing that this world can offer.

[Kristie_H]

Therising, that cracked me up!

Yes, not being afraid to tell someone they're rude is a skill I aim to master. I did have an incident at the local pediatrician's clinic the other day when the nurse came and called my son to get his weight and height checked- my son by this stage has become overwhelmed at the attention and shut down- so the rude woman ignored my son's behavior (probably thinking it's my bad mothering that has done this) and repeated herself louder and drew more attention. I sternly replied, I heard you and we are having some difficulties doing that so will skip this today thanks and do it next time. I was proud to have put her in her place and she scoffed and walked off. My poor son though is 12 and going to be medicated for PTSD from DV. I have sole parental responsibility since November last year and we are all on a journey of putting in boundaries, saying no, and feeling less guilty for being open and ourselves. So I was glad I could lead by example.

I am about to embark on reading the book 'women who run with wolves' because you have inspired me to embrace my inner wild cow. I have earnt the right to not put up with crap, and I wish to channel her and welcome that part of me with a name, just as you mentioned. I think it sounds empowering to welcome and accept the parts that make us whole in contrast to being ashamed of the strengths and assertiveness we as women have.

I've always been scared though of going too far one way and being a Karen or a miserable human, but I think the fear of being labeled something other than what I am comes from DV. I remember I really did like who I was becoming when I was 22 and met my tormentor.

This forum and these open and free discussions have helped build an armor of pride and courage from all the things I thought I was to be the person who I am and not fall victim to others' labels - thank you. This is and will be a slow and gentle process of rebuilding myself but I have three months to focus on being a mother and a brave woman wearing my battle scars with honor! I'm imagining connecting with my inner Viking shieldmaiden.

K

[therising]

Hi Kristie

Glad I got a laugh out of you. I think if we can find a way to see other people's depressing behaviour as laughable, it can help shift our perspective. Not easy to do at times. I've found a healthy mantra that helps keep me out of depression to be 'I'm observing the insanity of another person and that makes me observant'. Helps keep me in the best headspace when I'm facing triggering people.

Kristie, I gotta admit I'm stunned. You wouldn't believe it but after I'd woken up in front of the tv at around 10:30pm, with YouTube having jumped through several topics on screen while I was dozing, I woke up to the end of a show about Vikings. Thought nothing of it until I got up off the couch and came to open the forums here. At the end of your post, there it was, a reference to the Viking shieldmaiden. I could not help but smile. While I have some downer people in my life who criticise my love of finding coincidence, doesn't stop me from looking for it and finding it. As I say to them 'What's wrong with you? What's wrong with recognising the magic in life?'. Not my problem if they choose to dismiss it. I find the magic highly amusing. Why would we dismiss the chance to be amused? Got dozens of stories about meaningful coincidence/synchronicity, compared to basic coincidence. I find basic coincidence is only mildly amusing.

Oooh, nothing quite like a certain situation to trigger the lioness in us to come to life. She's a fierce one. A 'take no prisoners' part of us, with a go for the jugular nature. Our kids raise us to be fierce at times. Our love for them can bring about the best in us. You are a fine example of fearlessness for your son. Through your actions he knows his value. Through your actions he knows he is more than what that woman may have led him to believe. He is worth fighting for.

I find sometimes I gotta do a bit of 'dual channeling'. While 'the lioness' in me may be channeled to come to life, 'the sage' must be channeled as well. It's the sage that keeps a leash on her. It's the sage that dictates 'Stay calm, no need for a full on attack. Growl, show your teeth and that's all'. Of course, I won't literally do that otherwise I'd look insane. Laughing as I imagine it. Now I'm really laughing as I imagine actually doing it. People would definitely leave this insane looking women alone. Might embarrass my kids a little and gain me a bit of a rep, walking around snarling 🙂

May your sword, mind and tongue be sharp when going into battle.

[Kristie_H]

Hi therising,

I am new to finding ways to rationalise other people's unwanted behavior for two main reasons: 1. A lifetime of abuse had led to 2. detachment. So, reading your interesting ways and views is putting a new perspective on this form of coping/life tool/ mechanism. I will think of a mantra for myself and share it the next time we chat. The difficulty will be in 'remembering' to remind me- baby steps here.

I wholeheartedly agree with your views on coincidences and their magic! They are powerfully emotive, reflective, memorable, and amusing all at once to say the least. If I could speak the language of the numbers I would find myself calculating the chances of you seeing the tv with vikings and then reading my post - but would those odds exemplify the magic or reduce them to numbers- sorry the philosopher in me...either way, some of my favorite virtues of being human is recognizing the power of coincidences and serendipity, and our ingenuity. I too feel the magic of these and adore the amusing abilities. Lately, I have been having Deja Vu about dreams I had in the past coming to fruition as recently as this morning. - was it a coincidence? Either way, it rocks my mind every time and I live for these rarer moments.

I am also a late replier because I am new to the awareness of my own embodiment and the realizations I experience sometimes are also powerful and overwhelming at times. I'm also an empath, and so are my kids as I mentioned, so calming the self and finding the sage is my prescription for now.

As for the lion, I totally imagined snarling teeth too, read you said you were imagining it and laughed out loud again too! -You are hilarious and the next time my teen talks back and I am annoyed, I will imagine snarling! Another thank you.

Thanks also for the kind words about protecting my son. Somehow, through everything, I have managed to save my children; I drowned but was reborn so it's okay, they are safe now and I will grow again.

On a lighter note..., may the amusement of a GOOD coincidence cross your path soon 🙂

[therising]

Hi Kristie

I can relate to what you say when it comes to remembering to practice something, such as with a mantra or a new way of living. One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was 'Every time you have a revelation or some profound insight, write it down because you'll possibly forget it down the track'. So, it's kind of like (while journaling) you're writing your own self help or reference book.

I think unless we're an absolute natural at something, chances are we have to exercise developing an ability, over and over, until it eventually becomes so well developed that its easily accessed as a natural or effortless ability. When considering we may have spent some decades practicing and practicing 'people pleasing', this can become a well exercised ability, with a dark side of course. It's so well exercised and practiced (practice makes perfect) that it can feel impossible to change this habit or modify it in a way that begins to serve us. We can become so emotionally tuned into feedback from others to the point where tuning in is effortless. We've learned to read even the finest of micro expressions on a person's face which can express either approval or disapproval. The bonus that comes with this practice is...You can now regard yourself as 'an advanced reader'. If I took you into a room filled with people experiencing different emotions, I assume you'd have a pretty good strike rate when it comes to telling me who's feeling what, based on pure observation.

Pays to know what existing abilities you have in your toolbox. For example, to feel so much is not 'a fault', it's an ability. Managing how to work with such an ability becomes the challenge. How to turn your ability to feel off, down, up etc can be the overall challenge.

When it comes to toxic people, I've found the following revelation to be empowering. When coming out of a long term toxic relationship, there can be evidence of how that person has actually helped us to develop. Because of them, we have had to develop our patience and our level of tolerance. While often justifying our thoughts, words and actions to them, we have developed our ability to reason (through often having to find and give reasons). We may have developed our level of flexibility, often flexing to suit them. Because of them we have learned what anxious and depressing feels like. These are 'alarming' emotions. Ding, ding, ding, something's off here. Cue the analyst in us to ask 'What are you really feeling here?'.