Childhood sexual abuse and cheating

[Jupiter28]

Hello everyone!

This is the first time I've ever posted to a forum and I have no idea how I'm expecting it to help. Maybe I just need to vent a little or maybe I like the idea that someone else dealing with trauma will read this and know I'm there with them and I feel what they feel.

I was sexually abused by my father when I was about 5 years old - it continued with less severity until I was 17.

Abuse comes in a thousand forms. I see a psych regularly and am medicated for ptsd, anxiety and intermittent depression.

The worst manifestation of this trauma is my tendency to cheat on my partner. By cheating I mean that I've kissed other people, flirted excessively and touched body parts over clothing. It happens when I drink because I feel desperate for sexual attention - it makes me feel valid and I feel disgusting admitting that the only times I truly enjoy myself at parties is when I'm getting some kind of sexual attention.

I'm also terrified of sex. What hilarious irony!

I'm not cheating because I'm unhappy in the relationship. I'm cheating because I don't know how to interact with people normally. I have no boundaries and my body doesn't belong to me. My partner is aware of two of three times. I feel sick with guilt and regret for my actions. I'm terrified it's going to happen again and that will be it - I won't be able to forgive myself. My partner won't be able to forgive me. I'm desperate for anything that will help this shitty and horrible behaviour.

Does anyone out there understand?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jupiter28,
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, 

We are really glad you've joined us this afternoon and hope our community here can be a supportive and helpful place for you to explore and share these experiences. We wanted to let you know that we've sent a private email to check in with you. We hope some of our community members will be around shortly to welcome you here also. 

You might find it beneficial to get in touch with our Support Service or the Blue Knot Foundation. Our Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. The Blue Knot Foundation offers support to adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse.

You can find out more on their website here (https://blueknot.org.au/survivors/blue-knot-helpline-redress-support-service/) and can reach the Blue Knot Helpline and Redress Support Service on 1300 657 380.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[Whimbo]

Hi Jupiter28,

I've heard it's super common for SA and rape to lead to conflated feelings of intimacy and sex. An important relationship you had in your childhood, which should have just been intimate, was both sexual and intimate.

When you look at it that way, it's understandable why you may have trouble being intimate at parties without sexuality being involved. Especially when alcohol is involved.

Hopefully your partner has the maturity to help you with this instead of judging you. Being able to introduce intimacy without sexual ends is a great way to start - for example, kissing doesn't have to be a precursor to sex, it can just be a sign of intimacy. Likewise, a romantic dinner can just be a romantic dinner. Just like how sex doesn't always involve intimacy, intimacy doesn't always have to involve sex. There is a long path to unlearning the sex/intimacy conflation but having someone who cares and wants the best for you is a great advantage.

I hope this helps, sorry if I'm way off the mark. Also, checking out Blue Knot and Beyond Blue's resources, as Sophie has suggested, is a great start.

[Frangepani]

Hi Jupiter 28 I can relate to your story i know the pain and suffering to the point where I've wanted to end my life. But things have turned around for me and the reason for that is because of my faith it has literally saved my life. And I've also have been working incredible hard for the past 6 months on myself and I know now that I am deserving of a beautiful amazing life and that is exactly what I'm striving for and nothing and no one is going to get in the way of my hopes and dreams. Feel free to share with me take care and I wish you well peace and love and all the happiness to you.

[Frangepani]

I Do I get it totally been through it.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jupiter28,

I'm glad you have found us, & I am so sorry you were treated so badly during your childhood. Telling us certainly took quite a bit of courage. Let me assure you, you have come to a safe place, where we have gathered to support each other to the extent we are able.

I appreciate your kindness & generosity, by the first paragraph where you wrote, " ...or maybe I like the idea that someone else dealing with trauma will read this and know I'm there with them and I feel what they feel...."

Your contradictory feelings about sex are understandable. Sex became your currency; your value was measured in your sexual availability & you learned early on that the sexual relationship was the one that mattered. As you say, that's the kind of relationship, no matter how casual, 'light', (with only kisses & touching with clothes between), which gave you any sense of value & worth. So, of-course that felt good, for the moment...then you get to thinking & feeling 'bad' & ashamed.

It's not your fault you are behaving in this way. Sadly, it is so common. I think I even did that to some extent. I know I went into physical intimacy way too quickly, as if I didn't they wouldn't want me. I realise, now, they were the ones not worth my trouble to want them wanting me anyway. How much would I prefer someone who respects me, & any developing relationship we might have? In a way, that's what I came to ask myself.

Relationships, levels of, boundaries of, negotiating of, are all complicated. None is either-or. If you are not already, I would suggest relationship counselling, couples therapy, with someone specialising in this area.

I look forward to chatting more soon.

My warmest regards,

mmMekitty

[geoff]

Hello Jupiter, touching other people in inappropriate positions gives you a feeling of dominance, something that wasn't possible as a child growing up.

Even though you aren't cheating, it puts the other person in an uncompromising position and may affect their current relationship and makes them unable to explain to their partner why this has happened and what does it actually mean.

It's OK to kiss other people at parties, that's what normally happens when you meet someone you know or give them a hug, but touching them makes the situation awkward not only for yourself but also for everyone else.

Take care.

Geoff.

[SleepyTinkerbell]

Hi Jupiter28,

I completely understand why you are feeling guilty and afraid of being abandoned by your partner if you tell them the truth. Just because your behaviours are a result of past trauma doesn't mean that they aren't affecting those around you in the present moment and that is very difficult to explain to a partner or for someone you love to understand.

Sex is a very conflicting thing for those of us who have experienced CSA. In some ways we feel terrified to have sex with a partner that we love, and in other ways we feel an almost obsessive need to engage in sex with strangers to get their approval. I think this is because our brains are hardwired to view abandonment as a threat to our survival. In a CSA environment, feeling scared is normal and the fear of abandonment keeps you safe from the next threat (e.g. the abuser abandoning you or no one else believing you/ supporting you). Continuing to feel scared that everyone will abandon you feels "normal" and engaging in these behaviours with others is keeping you "safe" from having no supportive network to fall back on if your partner chooses to leave you.

Try to remind yourself that those behaviours are coping strategies that you used to keep you safe and get the approval of your abuser/s when you were in that unsafe environment - you aren't there anymore.

If you feel tempted to engage in these behaviours in the present moment, maybe try to come up with strategies to delay this behaviour (I personally find that works best when I want to do something impulsive). For example, if you only do this when drunk, maybe try not to go out drinking as much or only go out with a friend or your partner who can keep you accountable. I am sure you are much less likely to start making out with someone in front of your partner (and having them there may make it easier to stay present and not go into auto-pilot with these behaviours).

I hope this helps!