2021 - traumatic times that brought out my resilience 2022 - the tiniest of problems have left me mentally under siege. Why?

[Dana J]

My mother, an emotionally difficult and dominant presence in my life,attempted three days after Christmas 2020. She was in hospital in the mental health unit but only stayed there a week and only after I convinced her to try and get help for her mental illness and her harmful drinking. From what she told me, many months later, she spent that week arguing with the staff over things like the TV, the temperature and when she would get her nightly medication before discharging herself and ceasing any further contact with mental health professionals (my step dad backed her on this). On the advice of my therapist, I told her I loved her but I was taking a break from her and my stepdad to work on healing myself (I knew their drinking wasn't going to stop and their drunk abuse been very painful part of my whole life). Three months after I ceased contact mum called me and bluntly told me that my stepdad, who has been in my life since I was 4, died suddenly from a heart attack (he's my only dad). I organised the funeral and saw her once every three weeks to offer support. But over the months things deteriorated - her behaviour became erratic and five weeks ago she created a situation that made me and also her neighbour think she had attempted again. When I finally got a hold of her, seconds away from calling 000, she laughed at my distress before getting angry swearing at me and telling me never to call her. The thing is, last year was the most difficult of my life but I got through it ok - I helped Mum, I did well at work and looked after my young children and stayed in a solid, healthy relationship with my husband. But after this incident with mum this year I find myself obsessed with stupid work things and I'm baffled by it. I feel constantly on edge, like adrenaline is surging through me and I am absolutely convinced that I am screwing up everything at work and I wake up wired at 3 in the morning. I don't trust myself to make decisions at work and I'm worried I'm forgetting things. I can't switch my brain off! My own boss has sympathetically advised me that I should care less and my husband too but I can't stop thinking that next time I'm at work I'm going to screw everything up and humiliate myself. Why am I so fixated on mundane work tasks when there are these other momentous things going on, like my widowed mother's mental instability and a pandemic? I just want to sleep through the night again and start to 'care less' about work.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Dana J,

Thank you for posting about your confusions. We admire your strength and resilience.

We were pleased to read that you followed your Psychologist's advice and took a break from your family. This gave you the chance to start healing. Unfortunately, your mum contacted you a mere 3 months later because your father had a fatal heart attack. This brought you back into the family, and your relationship with your mother started back up where it left off.

It sounds to us like you lost your safe space, whilst getting entangled with grief. Grief is usually very confusing, at the best of times. Adding all these complications on top of the normal grief which you are experiencing, whilst mum is trying to ensure that your relationship with her returns to where it was previously, sounds to us like something even more confusing and difficult.

We would like to encourage you to talk with your psychologist about working through your grief.

We would also like to encourage you to focus on the factors of a good and supportive job and boss, and a supportive partner. Both of these can help you through the confusion.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Dana J,

I'm pleased to welcome you to the forum, & wish I had come by your post earlier.

Your relationship with your mother & step-dad was difficult, especially because of the drinking & how it effects how people act. I'm thinking, how hard it is for a child growing up in tis environment, thinking, you loved them, but the drinking really messed things up.

You have done what you could do, & from there it was up to your mother to either accept the care & treatment, or not, as she has apparently chosen. That's so sad for you.

There does come a time when you have to look after yourself, when your own needs need to be your priority, otherwise you will have your own more severe problems to deal with.

I'm thinking, focusing on work & the problems there might actually seem the more managable, less painful things to focus on. & I think, many of the difficulties at work can be dealt with. Strategies to reduce stress, to address the thoughts & feelings would be a place to start, with your therapist. Your stress level has been so high for a long time, & I think it will take some time to reset. In the meantime, it seems to need an outlet.

Maybe? Just my thoughts. What thoughts do you have?

mmMekitty

[SleepyTinkerbell]

Hi Dana J,

You are so brave for sharing this. I wish I had seen this post sooner.

You said that last year was the hardest year of your life and that you got through it - but your brain shouldn't have had to go through the things that you went through. You shouldn't have to cease contact with your Mum. You are meant to rely on your Mum to keep you safe and alive, not the other way around. I think it is only natural to feel grief over this.

Maybe your brain has only been surviving for the last year and now that enough time has passed to allow you to take a step back, you feel safe enough to recognise that lots of things stress you out - including work stuff. Last year, so many things that you couldn't control were stressing you out, but your brain couldn't let you know that is how you felt without collapsing and falling in a heap. To some extent, you can control work things, so maybe your brain feels that this is the safest thing to address and feel stressed about first.

All of this is just a thought though and you know yourself best 🙂 Try to take some time for yourself to rest and rely on your supportive network a little more maybe.

Warm regards,

SleepyTinkerbell