How do I explain this to my significant other?

[Echtis]

Hi again,

I'm a young man who experienced long-term CSA from ages 13-16. A little under 10 years later, a little under a year of therapy for CPTSD, I think I'm doing okay. This post will contain me talking about how my CSA experience has and continues to affect the sexual side of my relationships. I'll be as clinical as possible.

I've been seeing somebody on and off for around 3 months. We have been intimate, but not sexual. Last time we saw each other, she initiated foreplay, and asked if I was a virgin as I "seemed uncomfortable". I said no, and she just sort of laughed and didn't believe me, said that she'll take care of everything and I shouldn't worry. Soon, everything sort of starts to feel unreal. In hindsight, this is the beginning of a flashback. Everything seems to remind me of my abuser, being completely unable to do anything, and I just lock up and cover my face. At first I try to stop myself from crying, and instead let out a noise she mistakes for a moment. After another few seconds she realises something is wrong when she goes to take my hands to them on her chest and sees my tears. She gets off me and starts asking what's wrong, but I am completely not there. What happens is what she says, as I don't really remember what happened. She gets off me and keeps asking if I'm okay, but I keep saying that I'm real over and over again. She wraps me with a blanket and goes to call her friend who asks if I take drugs (I don't), and that if she thinks something's wrong she should call an ambulance. At this point I walk into the kitchen and try to stand in the fridge at which point she stops me and I sort of come too. She takes me back to bed, and I cry on and off until I fall asleep. I remember it like it is a dream or a really faint memory. She explained things when I woke up and doesn't believe that I don't remember much, and is really upset with me.

We are close, but I don't know if now is the tone to cross this bridge. How do I explain it to her? People I've explained my abuse to in the past haven't believed me, even when I've had flashbacks in front of them. I think this is the end of our relationship. I like her, but this is the worst flashback I've ever had. How do I explain this to her, or anyone?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Echtis,

Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm so sorry that you had to experience CSA.

As someone who has trauma and flashbacks too, I can understand where you're coming from. I think the best people who 'get it' are the ones who have been through it, and it's so hard to wrap your head around it otherwise. I've really struggled with these conversations and finding the right words to say.

It sounds like the person you were intimate with (sorry not sure if I should say partner/etc) was really supportive and caring; she wrapped you in a blanket, tried to support you, called a friend. These are all ways of being with you and trying to help.

Have you ever tried to explain flashbacks or trauma to people you were intimate with? While I don't know what her response will be, the fact that she was so caring and empathetic does feel like a good sign.

For me, the way I'll explain my trauma depends on the person. Sometimes people seem to like 'clinical information', like explaining trauma concepts like flight/fight, or window of tolerance. Othertimes I might use my own kind of visuals or metaphors, like a world gone blurry or feels like my own clock goes backwards. There are also lots of things on the internet like fact sheets or things on YouTube, or even chatting with your therapist.

I hope this helps. I believe you.

rt

[SleepyTinkerbell]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing this - I think it is very brave (even if you feel the opposite of brave right now).

I had a similar experience with my boyfriend when I first tried anything intimate with him actually. We weren't even officially dating at the time when we tried to be intimate and I had a similar reaction to you. I hadn't actually known I had ever been sexually abused by my father until that moment.

I know it is kind of terrifying, but I think sometimes with this stuff, the best thing to do is be honest. You don't have to go into detail, literally just saying "I have had some bad sexual stuff happen to me in the past" might be enough for her. Humans often think they are the cause of things, so this girl quite possibly thought she somehow caused this (on some level), so admitting that it wasn't her and that it is an issue that you are working through in therapy should be reassuring to her. You are doing the hard work to get through this and honestly, that is a very brave and attractive trait to have in a partner.

What happened to you in the past isn't your fault, and hopefully she will understand that (even if she doesn't, I do and so will countless others when you find the right people).

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now, even with all of our issues surrounding sex. I am not trying to tell you that every person will be so understanding (I know you said some people haven't believed you) but allowing someone to get close to you and know these intimate details about yourself is very healing and rewarding with the right person. Maybe ask yourself, on some level did I have this reaction with her because I felt safe in hoping that she would understand?

People who haven't been through CSA don't understand it the same way that we do, but they can still be there to support you and they can still understand from an observers perspective how this affects you. I am sure that this girl knows deep down that no one would react the way that you did unless there was a reason.

I hope this helps you in some way and either way, I think you are brave for coming out with this and going to therapy🙂

[Croix]

Dear Echtis~

I'm glad you have met RT and SleepyTinkerbel, I think their words are exactly right.

Like any sensible person I believe you completely and think you have faced the the very hardest part you could by being wiht your friend and intimacy starting. If ever there was a time you would be overwhelmed that was it.

Intimacy and friendship of course is two people, and I'm sure your friend would be wondering exactly what happened, and maybe even be taking part of the blame on herself. Completely unjustified of course , it sounds as if she did the very best she could for you in strange circumstance. She may also be frightened.

Yes it can be very hard to explain, both getting the words out, and even having things straight in your own mind of what happened and what to say.

If you both want the relationship to continue then I guess she has to have some understanding, both for her peace of mind and so she can support you and be happy being with you.

May I make a couple of suggestions?

The first is simply to show your friend the post you made at the top of this page. Let her read how it appeared to you and your reaction. It is a good account. I found with a matter involving something else that my partner did not need to understand every detail or what was exactly in my head. A general understanding and care worked well, even when I was less than open.

The other option is to take you friend to your psych, and let that person explain what the symptoms can be. I did this and my partner went from blaming herself to being a very loving support - which made a difference I cannot even begin to describe.

I do hope very much this horrible episode becomes the basis for better things.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix