Struggling to parent

Scaredmum2 · ‎19-04-2022

Hi

I’m really struggling with my son, he has always been a difficult child but he has gone through so much medically I’m just constantly being triggered by anything that’s out of normal, When he was 2 he was diagnosed with Autism that was hard to deal with, then at 7 he was diagnosed with leukaemia which caused a lot of ptsd for me he is in remission however constant stress from the fear of relapse is destroying me. He is having anxiety issues now where he panics over food, this has been triggering me really bad as I’m worried it’s relapse. I’m now struggling to get close to him as I’m afraid something will be wrong with him. I hate this feeling, I’m getting so angry at him even though It’s not his fault but I don’t know how to deal with anymore issues with him anymore. I’m just drained of any happiness as my mind is constantly thinking of relapse, autism, school difficulties, blood testing, check ups, how is he going to be when he is older, how to help, how to stop him not eating. I’m at the end of my tether. I don’t know what else to do.

Sophie_M · ‎20-04-2022

Dear Scaredmum2,

We are heartbroken to hear what you and your little man have been going through - thank you for finding the strength to reach out to our community here in the forums.

We want to acknowledge first and foremost - it is so completely normal to be so exhausted and overwhelmed by the complexity you are trying to navigate; please try not to be hard on yourself in moments where feeling close or connected is hard. The strain is far beyond yours, or anyone's control.

We wanted to make sure that you have some resources to reach out to - a great start for you both might be the Starlight Foundation's Livewire Program - it is for 12 - 20 year olds who have survived illness and hospitalisation and might make life a little easier for him, and thus perhaps you too - try them here: https://www.starlight.org.au/about-us/what-we-do/livewire
There is of course also CanTeen: https://www.canteen.org.au/ and Camp Quality: https://www.campquality.org.au/ CanTeen could be especially useful as they also have services for parents impacted by their child's cancer.

Now, we want to make sure you are being cared for specifically: please consider reaching out to: Parenting through Cancer: https://parentingthroughcancer.org.au/ or 1800 945 215
There is also Carers Australia: https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/ who could assist in a variety of ways, but most especially regarding what you have to do on a day to day basis to support your son. Life Supports Counselling is based in every capital city, and specialises in PTSD and trauma - if that would help at all - please see them here: https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/contact/

Finally - of course, you can reach out to us here at anytime, 24/7 - no matter what you might need to discuss, no matter what you need for support. Please give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or if it's easier, click here to start a webchat.

Again, we are grateful to you for being here with us - even when you feel like your courage is wearing thin - we can see who much of it you have had. Please don't hesitate to reach out.

Regards,

Sophie M.

Ggrand · ‎20-04-2022

Hello Dear Scaredmum2,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I am sorry that you’re struggling so much with your son’s illnesses, which is causing you a lot of ptsd...

I spent a couple of days at one of my son’s family, who both twins 8 years old has Autism...I witnessed how hard it is for both my son and daughter in law to manage them....They both have trouble eating at times...so my son lets them eat what they want for their meals...as long as it’s relatively healthy.....This seems to be working for them at the moment......

It’s a very hard job raising a child with autism and then on top of that your beautiful son and yourself has had to deal with his leukaemia...I’m so very sorry...you have both gone through so much heartbreak in such a short time...

Your son being in remission is fantastic news...,and I wish him the very best in life...

A few years ago, my daughter in law, was diagnosed with brain cancer....and kind of pushed her children away when they came close to her....she wanted them to get used of her not being their for them....just in case....but she realised that by doing that she was missing out on quality time with her children,,,,and changed her thought pattern...and went back to being the awesome mum she was....My daughter in law survived surgery and is now in remission....and spending lots of time with her children...

Its so very good that your son is in remission....Wouldn’t it be so good...as very hard as it would be to do...if you also can put your thoughts into remission as well...Children are very quick to pick up on our feelings....maybe if it’s at all possible...enjoy your beautiful son, each and everyday...take him for walks, to the park, to the movies...or whatever he feels to do....Tomorrow hasn’t arrived as yet...by worrying about tomorrow and what may or may not happen...is taking you away from the happiness of your son being in remission...and the wonderful times you can spend enjoying your lives together...

You are one very amazing mother, who loves her son incredibly deeply....You are doing the best you can..,and in my eyes, through your words here you are a very strong and exceptional mum....

Please lovely lady...Talk here whenever you feel up to it..

My kindest thoughts and my care to you Dear Scaredmum2..

Grandy..

Scaredmum2 · ‎20-04-2022

Thank you for your reply

when you go through as much as we have sometimes I just want to feel like myself again and it’s really hard to find her. I also think the pressure of the aftermath of it all is just taking it’s toll on me. The fear is just very debilitating sometimes. That feeling of there’s always something with him is just exhausting. I really hope things calm down with him and I can heal.

Kristie_H · ‎23-04-2022

Hi Scared mum,

I get this. My daughter has severe ADHD and bipolar disorder. Raising her through trauma and alcoholism made treating the cause all the more difficult.

Because you are aware and are reaching out for help early is a good thing. Admitting to being scared is a good thing because you realise what you need. Its okay to be scared and frustrated and overwhelemed, it makes us human and its how our trauma comes out. Please be kind to yourself because you do love your son and he loves you. Being a parent is a hard gig but things can be turned around. Just keep giving yourself time and space, remind yourself that your suffering and that is coming out in anger but if you can deal with your trauma it will free you up to be a much better mum.

Petal22 · ‎23-04-2022

Hi Scaredmum2,

I'm sorry for what yourself and son are going through, I understand it would be difficult.

I understand when you say that you are finding it hard to get close to your son incase something is wrong with him, anxiety has a strange way of making us see and feel fear so we try to withdraw ourselves.... but its the anxiety....... please try to override this feeling and when its trying to stop you from getting close to your son, get as close to him as you can.... hug him and just be there for him.... believe me the feeling will fade away. Just please don't allow it to get in between yourself and your son.

I understand that you just want to find your old self again but sometimes we are given certain challenges in life and we grow so much that we no longer fit into our old selves we need to learn to fit into a newer bigger version ourselves, sometimes our life purpose is bigger than the person we once were.

I'm always here to chat to you

Sophia16 · ‎24-04-2022

Hi,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a very tough time. You are feeling helpless and lost. However, you sound like a very caring and beautiful mother to your son. It is truly inspiring.

Have you considered seeing a mental health professional for yourself? Just remember you are human too and you have feelings, so you should also take care of yourself.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

Scaredmum2 · ‎27-04-2022

Hey

I was seeing some training psychs and now on the waiting list to see a professional psych as I can’t afford private.
I was hoping to not need to be medicated but I think I’m running out of options.

Scaredmum2 · ‎27-04-2022

Thanks still in the process of trying to see a professional psych. Hoping they can help me cope a little better. Just hard until I get there.

Mokau · ‎04-05-2022

Hi Scaredmum2,

I'm mum to an almost 10year old with Autism and am so drained by the daily direction and support it requires. I am so sorry to hear of your son's leukaemia journey. Although different, I can relate to the fear of repeating experiences and the constant alert state impacting you as a mum. We went through a traumatic year of mismanagement at school last year that has left severe psychological stress impacting our son and I feel like I've been left with a trauma like response as I'm living in fear of reoccurring events and in high alert even though signs are positive that a new situation has brought some good results for him.

I don't have any magical wand advice but know how much the advice above is all we can do of small steps each day to look after ourselves and connect with avenues of support as we're able. I know for me having company can help break up the day and distract my brain for a while and let it have a break from the high alert mode. So I have to proactively look to invite people over or meet up at a park and ask family to come by for an hour of 2 or plan holiday visits to cousins to give me a time to rest or at least not be the only adult on duty for a short while.

All the best for a positive year.