Is this sexual assault or regret

[Abby2]

Before I continue with the incident I’d like to note that I have a partner. I’ve also been raped manny years ago and still struggle with that trauma 

I have a friend who has a partner who for 6 months have been trying to engage in a threesome with me, I have repeatedly mentioned how uncomfortable this makes me and sometimes I’ve had to leave their house because of how pushy they become. It’d had been awhile since they had brought it up so I thought the fantasy was over. Well recently I was drinking at their house and they offered me some type of drug I’d never had, my friend kept getting me to sit on her bed and her and her boyfriend would get closer and closer eventually they started to take my clothes off and dressed me up in some outfit, I was so anxious and my friend just kept saying how happy this made her how long she’d been waiting for this and I just stayed quite, I didn’t move for the longest time I just let them do whatever they wanted, it went on for hours I at one point even made it seem like I was enjoying it, her and her boyfriend seemed to be enjoying it so much. I just didn’t say anything, I didn’t say no. 
infact at one point I just said to my friend you can do whatever with me I don’t care 

my friend finally said that she was done with me and I was so relived I got up got dressed and cried as I left.  I tried to talk to my friend afterwords saying how uncomfortable I was and how I want to tell my partner. She’s now threatening that if I tell him that everyone will know that I’m a whore and everyone will know about what happened. But I don’t care what happens I feel so disgusting and I want to tell my partner. 

My question is, am I just regretting what had happened because I understand the pain it would cause my partner when I tell him 

or are these feelings of disgust and betrayal because of how my friend took advantage of me.

I just need honest answers, I plan to talk to my partner regardless of my what my friend says, I try and pride myself on being a good honest person and I’ve never cheated or thought of cheating ever so my partner deserves to know  

[Sophie_M]

Hello, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, we can't even begin to imagine how scary and overwhelming this experience was for you. 

I want to start by saying that none of what happened between your friend and her partner was okay. They should have taken your initial sign of discomfort as a no and I am so, so sorry they created a space that made you feel like you couldn't assert your boundaries. This act is absolutely reportable and I encourage you to think about if that is something you'd like to explore when you're ready. 

Of course, you may need some support to do so. 1800 Respect are a great resource for helping people in your position and directing them to further care: Home | 1800RESPECT

I can see you have experienced an immense amount of trauma and I want you to know that whilst you may feel some guilt or regret, none of what has happened to you was your fault. It would be hard to know how to tell your partner and I think it's okay to take time to figure it out. What is most important is that you have someone to confide in. 

You've taken a really courageous step forward by reaching out here. Do you have a psychologist, or any close friends/family who you could lean on right now? 

I am looking forward to your reply. Please do something loving for yourself today, even if it's just having a warm shower, eating something you like, or walking in the sun. You deserve to feel safe and grounded. Sending love and hugs your way. 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 
 

[Guest_90433935]

If you are questioning a sexual assault then it may have happened. Listen to your inner self. Consider removing your self from the volatility for 3 hours. Just to chill and get perspective 

[sbella02]

Abby2, thank you for being so open in your post, and I'd like to extend a very warm welcome to our forums. It must have taken so much strength and courage to post this here.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through this. Truly. I cannot imagine how violated you must feel right now, and by people who are supposed to be forces of support and trust.

What happened is not your fault, first and foremost. In situations where we learn that we have limited control or have lost control entirely, it is normal for our bodies and minds to react the way that you did, to protect you from further sinister consequences, particularly if you have been in that situation before. Your friend and her boyfriend have taken advantage of you in a vulnerable state. It sounds like your friend also understands that what they've done is wrong and is trying to blackmail you, which is also not okay. Those are not actions of a good friend. 

As Sophie_M has mentioned, 1800 Respect is a brilliant resource and sounds like it may be something worth having a look into if you are able to. You can find similar resources in this comprehensive list of helplines from White Ribbon.

If you feel that you are ready and willing to open up to your partner, this may help to have the support of somebody close to you. A supportive and loving partner will be there for you in this kind of situation to make you feel safe, comforted, and respected. If there's anybody else in your life who you feel close to and would feel comfortable opening up to, this may be helpful as well. Only if you feel fully comfortable. Despite it not being your fault, it is very normal to feel a level of shame and guilt, which can make it difficult to talk about it. 

Make sure you're taking some time for yourself, whether you have a few hobbies that you enjoy doing, or would enjoy a nice warm bath, or would like to journal about what you're feeling. Take all the time you need to process what has happened. We're here to chat some more with you if that's something you feel you need at this time.

Take care, SB

[crjones]

To be honest it is a mix of both, you should never take a drug when you don't know what it is but by the sounds of it if you remember everything clearly it doesn't sound like a date rape drug, there should at least be gaps in memory if that was the case. Remember it can be hard but you always have the choice to say no when it's not a life or death situation for you or someone else. Now I also would no longer count this person as a friend any longer. It sound's as though from your description you were inebriated but not in such a way that you couldn't consent even if it was through guilt in your own mind. I'd suggest creating stronger boundaries and not allowing these people to be a part of your life.

[sbella02]

Crjones, I'll echo your point about the importance of creating boundaries. There are many ways to set healthy boundaries and be more assertive with people, including using "I" statements and practicing saying "no" in low-risk situations (eg: saying "no thank you" to a server offering chips at a restaurant). This is why it is important to surround yourself with people who can empower you to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and to recognise when people breach those boundaries.

But I will also say that there are many reasons why people may take substances or feel comfortable taking them, even if they are familiar with the risks that can come along with that. Especially if friends or peers are also taking them - regardless of the kind of drug, I would argue that peer pressure can lead people to do things that they ordinarily would not do. Saying "no" isn't always a feasible or realistic option, and sometimes it's easier to oblige to avoid negative social consequences, even if it can put us in a more dangerous or uncomfortable situation. 

As humans, we're inclined to trust others. This can be heightened in social situations where substances are being consumed. We tend to be more easily persuaded by people we either trust or admire, who may say things like "I've tried this before", or "everyone else is doing it", or even statements insinuating that you'll be "cooler" or "more fun" if you do a certain substance.