I'm not sure how to go about this

[MysteryPerson]

Hello,

I don't know what to do with these thoughts that are scarred into my memory. I have the feeling of hating humans in general, a sense of anger and resentment, highly sceptical and distrustful of others. I am struggling to build new friendships and interacting with people in my daily life because of negative thoughts and emotions attached to building a relationship with people following some life events. I will try my best to keep it concise.

I left home and my parents in 2014 because of the toxic environment that I grew up in and how sheltered I was from gaining life experiences and make any progress towards creating my own future. To elaborate on the toxic environment, I was groomed to be a trophy child and a retirement plan for my parents (first-generation immigrants) so expectations were high with very little emotional support. Anyways, I graduated in 2017 from the degree I wanted following my detachment from my parents, I built up some network and set myself up for a new graduate job that started in 2018. All of this was very challenging for me with the amount of anxiety and the lack of self-esteem that developed from being so suppressed throughout my development until I was 20. In 2018, I landed my dream job but 6 months later my boss started to psychologically abuse me due to a conflict in our opinions and this triggered something very deep and dark from my past and eventually, so I quit and moved back with my parents to restart from the ground up and sought assistance from a General Practitioner and a Psychologist. With my psychologist, I discovered that many of my emotional and traumatic triggers were stemming from my relationship with my parents so I worked to rebuild my relationship with my parents. One day I was talking about suicide and self-harm, which I intended to do before I left home in 2014, and I received a response from each of my parents; my dad told me that I'm an ungrateful child and my mum told me that bearing me inside of her womb was an accident and a mistake and I ruined both of their life goals and aspirations. I left home again shortly after, found a new job (which I'm very stable with) and my relationship with my parents have grown further apart.

Around the same time that I had this chat with my parents, my best friend who was my safe haven and a place of comfort through my hardship started to hurt me emotionally and psychologically. I communicated these problems but they refused to apologise and hurt me further.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MysteryPerson,

Welcome to the forums! We are so glad you decide to post tonight about what has been happening for you. It sounds like you have had a very difficult relationship with your parents for a long time and this has really taken a toll. We are so sorry to hear that you have also experienced other hurt from your best friend. You sound like a strong person who has been brave and resourceful in reaching out to a GP and a psychologist. It sounds like it was helpful to see your psychologist - can we ask if are you still seeing them? You've done a great thing in reaching out tonight. We hope you find some support here in the forums from our welcoming community. Feel free to keep us updated when you feel up to it.

[MysteryPerson]

Hi Sophie_M,

Thank you for your quick reply. I saw my GP and psychologist again shortly after the events that occurred towards the end of my post. I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing therapy afterwards, which helped to some degree with forgiving my parents. However, this has not helped in terms of my outlook on life or my mindset on how I view people upon passing. I stopped seeing my GP and psychologist about this when it was beginning to take too much of my time for little to no return. Hence, I'm at a dead-end and not sure what I need to do to make a breakthrough from where I am at the moment. I have communicated this to my psychologist as well and they understood where I was coming from and advised that I continue forgiving and rebuilding my relationship with my parents.

I don't know how to say this more tactfully, but my parents have been trying to manipulate me into improving their living conditions following my financial stability and it just feels like I'm just being used as that trophy child that they've been grooming all my life. My distrust only grows whenever I interact with my parents.

I do wonder if there comes a point when I just need to cut them out of my life entirely and carry the trauma to my tombstone. It'll be a very lonely road ahead because of my distrust to build anything with another human.

[Sophie_M]

Hi MysteryPerson,

It's great to hear that you are so proactive in seeking help. We think you are so strong! Have you considering trying a different psychologist for a different perspective? We know it is very important to have a good relationship with your health care provider in order to get the most out of your care. Sometimes it may take a few attempts to find a health care provider who you
feel understands you and your situation best. It can often be difficult to find another provider after a bad experience, or one that you feel wasn't worthwhile, but it is important to have support from someone you trust. 

If you're interested in trying this out and would like help in sourcing a new psychologist, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

We are sending you a private message to offer some additional support.

[Curious77]

It is totally understandable that you have negative views about other people after experiencing such abuse at the hands of your parents and other people you trusted and loved. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and it is understandable that sceptical about other people's motivations and whether they care for you and respect you.