Boyfriend is alcoholic, won't get help

[M2219]

Hi All,

I'm new here, this is my first post.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years..he was everything I wanted, and during the "good days", he still is.
He had a very traumatic childhood; alcoholic father, sexually abused, friends' deaths by suicide, etc..
He drinks. Alot. And when he does he gets abusive, emotionally, verbally and physically.
He does not hit me, but he'll throw something in my direction, or lean right into my face and shout.
He says he doesn't care about anyone else. He used to say that his mother was the only person he cared about then she passed away 4 months ago.

On three occasions, i am embarrassed to say, I have got physical with him. In my mind, it is to make him stop what he's doing. To try to make him see what he's doing, to try to make him snap out of it. Obviously it never works, it makes everything worse.
On Saturday, he was going crazy.. he was blasting music at 3am trying to wake our neighbors, he was shouting.. it all came out of nowhere. Things got physical and then he told me to leave.
He got an AVO against me last year after another similar incident, so he holds that over me. If I leave him he will call the police.

I have pleaded with him to get help. He tried going to AA, and after 1 or 2 meetings he decides there's no point and continues drinking. He went to see a psychologist, but kept missing appointments because he was drunk.
I know that he's a good man. I know that he loves me, and that he doesn't want to be like this.
I know that when this episode is over, he will be remorseful and will cry and say he's going to get help.
I also know he will take no responsibility for his part in any of it. It will still be my fault..

I suppose what I'm hoping is that someone may have been in a similar situation and can suggest a way of getting him help.

Thanks for reading and providing this outlet.

[Sophie_M]

Hi M2219,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums, and thank you so much for posting here today. We are so sorry to hear about what is happening for you at the moment, it must be so difficult and overwhelming for you trying to work through this all on your own. But please remember that you don't have to do this alone- you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to support you.
We also want to let you know that we are currently contacting you via email.

We hope that you continue to check in with us to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi M2219,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I too am sorry to hear about what's happening in the moment.

When I read the title of your post I was thinking that maybe you needed some support to help your boyfriend get some help (and I think that's true!) but after reading what you've had to say I'm really concerned about the way your boyfriend treats you when he gets drunk and the fact he gets abusive.

I agree that it would be helpful for him to reach out and get some help - but right now I just want to try and emphasise that being abused is not okay. He may have some reasons that he's being abusive in lacking control in his life and dealing with the grief of his mother, but that doesn't mean that you need to be on the receiving end of this.

I also think the idea of using the AVO as a reason for you not to leave is concerning too.

I know that I haven't quite taken this post in the way you maybe wanted me to, but I don't think it's okay for you to have to be on the receiving end of so much abuse and so I have to call this out. If this post doesn't resonate with you at this time that's okay too - I encourage you to hang about here and join in on other threads too.

rt

[M2219]

Hi RT,

Thank you for that.
I know that it's not ok.

I know that he can be manipulative and controlling, and I know that none of that is ok.

I also know he can be the kindest and most amazing person when he comes through the darkness.
That's what I always hold out for.
If I try to talk to him about the abuse he turns it around and says I'm worse than him, because I have retaliated.

I attend a counselor weekly but that has stopped due to covid.. hoping to get some encouragement and light from

[M2219]

Ugh.. i hit send too soon!!

I meant hope and light from other users, and from anyone who may have been in a similar situation..

Thanks again.

[David35]

The ability for an alcoholic to reform rests solely with the alcoholic. I'm a reformed alcoholic, I've attended AA meetings (for approx 18 months at various branches) and despite the rather colourful people I met there, I can safely say that there was one thing they all had in common, and that was the desire to stay sober. And they struggle to do so, but that's their goal. If your b/f doesn't even have that in him, then nothing, I repeat, NOTHING you say or do will change that. That desire to change for the better has to come from within himself. Whether it's reaching rock bottom and realising that you've lost all your family support, or whatever it is, it's up to him. You can support him if he DECIDES to get better, but you can't change him.

This is just my humble opinion, but from my own experiences when I was drinking, nothing my parents said could get through to me. It wasn't until I could see the hurt in her face one morning after apologising after another drunken binge, that I figured if I don't do it for myself, then at least I can do it for others. And so the healing began. But believe me, I said sorry more times than I remember. I was like the boy who cried wolf; after a while it wore thin.

It also sounds like he may be suffering delayed grief and trying to suppress his emotions with alcohol. Using alcohol to deal with uncomfortable emotions is very common, I did it and most of the attendees at AA did too. So hope some of this insight helps you decided what to do.

[geoff]

Good Morning M2219, what RT and David have said carries a great deal of merit and what he is doing shouldn't be allowed, you can't love the same person in two ways, sober or intoxicated, however, there can be a balance in some relationships or marriages where a person reacts in a favourable way and not in an aggressive manner.

I too am deeply sorry for the loss of his mother but alcohol even though it may seemly be the answer won't help him solve his grief, it may temporarily, but alcohol certainly is not a long option and I can say this as I self-medicated with it, only ending in a divorce.

You can't stop him from drinking, that's only his decision, but you can't love someone who behaves like this when he's been drinking alcohol.

Take care.

Geoff.