I have so many regrets

miniforever

I’ll get straight to the point.

My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic.

What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak.

Both my mum and I had been the targets of his fists. My poor mum also had to suffer the wrath of her father.
I still to this day (in my mind), see my father physically assaulting my mum.

I have red marks and bruises all over me going to school. Back in those times, nobody looked at these issues. Mum used to blame me for being beaten up by my father.

I left and ran far far away being independent for my whole life.

Until I met my partner.

I foolishly thought I’d met someone who genuinely loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Then the nightmare from my childhood returns in the form of my partner.

He was lovely and sweet before the kids came along. Then like a switch, he became this person who is not like the one I was with before kids.

He became more aggressive and critical. He doesn’t like being asked questions (questions=attack on him). We used to mark appointments on calendars so we wouldn’t double book. He stopped, citing it was none of my business, or he told me weeks ago so why couldn’t I remember.

I didn’t want to have a child until I get a new job and settled in. But he told me time is of the essence and we needed to try soon.

I asked, what if I couldn’t get a job after having kids? He told me not to worry as he would take care of all of us.

Then it started. Like a switch.

I had a horrible birth experience and needed a lot of support. He told me women have babies all the time and I should just move on.

I said I couldn’t go through it again for a second child. He laughed of course we were having a second child!

Yes I agree with you if you’re reading this. I am stupid.

I trusted him and loved him.

So I gave him a second child.

When second child was 4 months old, he assaulted me and tried to call the police to falsely report I endangered my children.

Why did he hit me?

I told him we shouldn’t let our 3.5 year old climb all over tables disturbing patrons at the restaurant and not to let him run across the carpark. He told me his parents tried to control what he did and that now I was doing the same to our kids (3.5y and 4mths).

I was shocked.

He wanted to sell up everything so he could go hide away and we had to fend for ourselves.

He rushed back during lunch next day and gave me a hug (I think it was more to check I hadn’t taken the kids away).

So that has given him the license to do it again.

My childhood nightmare continues.

Why am I so stupid?

Why didn’t I run away?

Why did I have the babies.

Now I’m scared, trapped and hopeless.

He made a false report on me that I attacked me when the marks were from me defending myself.

The police gave him a lot of assistance as to what to do with me.

Now, if he doesn’t like something I say or when I disagree with him, he said he would call the police to tell them he doesn’t feel safe because I’m crazy.

I feel utterly hopeless and worthless that I’d gotten myself in such a situation.

indigo22

Hi miniforever,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a nightmare with your partner on top of what you dealt with as a child.

Your partner sounds like a narcissist unfortunately, what you have described has all the red flags. If you have not heard of 'gaslighting', please look it up on the internet, I am fairly confident that you will recognise all the signs. Please don't blame yourself for the situation you are in, they are master manipulators and part of their plan is to make you feel (as you said) worthless and hopeless. I urge you not to spend another minute believing those things, you have been targeted and manipulated and it's time to take back your personal power, even if that means you have to pretend to be helpless for the time being until you can find a way to get yourself and your children to safety. I have a sister who is a narcissist so I recognise the behaviour. If you have joint ownership of a house or joint bank accounts, please get some legal advice. Whatever you do, don't let him know that you are aware of what he is doing.

I noticed in another post that Sophie M gave you the contact for 1800 Respect, that should be your first phone call, they deal with domestic violence everyday and will be able to advise you further.

I am really sorry you have been manipulated, there are others on the forums who have also been through this so I hope they will see your post and reach out to you.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so, I will be here if you want to talk.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

sbella02

Miniforever, my heart breaks for you reading your story, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It must feel so hopeless having this kind of person as such a prominent figure in your life, given that you've experienced this before with your father. I hope you know that you are deserving of so much more love and respect than this person is showing you - people who behave like this are also often fully aware of what they're doing and how it's affecting people.

I'm just here to offer my words of support and echo everything that Indigo22 has said, word for word. 1800Respect is a brilliant resource, and they can likely point you in the right direction of what to do next. Make sure you're collecting evidence - photos, texts, anything that you can in writing that supports your side in preparation for either escalating this to the police (if this is a feasible option) or legally (once again, if feasible). You deserve so much better, and so do your children.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're blaming yourself. It's not your fault. As humans, we tend to trust people and downplay signs that would allow us to do otherwise.

Do you have a support network around you at all? Any colleagues, loved ones, anyone around you who you might be able to seek verbal or even physical support/shelter from? Strong social support can be greatly empowering in these kinds of difficult situations.

Wishing you all the best, truly. We're here for you.

miniforever

Thank you.

I feel utterly stupid.

I am mentally prepared to face homelessness which is a very frightening prospect.

What a nightmare.

A nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

I can no longer say anything at home or I’d be threatened with police.

I can’t get any support as support services advised I would only get assistance on the day of being assaulated. Other types of abuses do not qualified for crisis assistance.

i feel lost and let down and angry with my bad decisions in getting into this relationship and being a doormat.

miniforever

Thank you.

i replied to you in the other thread that I do not have any support.

thank you for responding and your support.

indigo22

Hi miniforever,

Please don't be hard on yourself, we have all made bad decisions and mistakes, beating yourself up about it will not help you and no one here is judging you, that's not what we do here.

Have you been in touch with 1800Respect? We can support you, but they can help you figure out your next move. Please also get some legal advice (perhaps through legal aid or a financial counsellor). You may be a stay at home mum now, but you were not always, hence you have contributed financially to this relationship and will need some finance to get back on your feet.

Your partner is nothing more than a self centred bully and you need to see him in that light. Start making steps to take your life back without his knowledge. If he gets wind that you know what he is doing, things are likely to escalate and that is the one thing you don't need or want.

I understand this is a frightening time for you and I do feel for you. My highest concern though is for you and your children to get to safety, that is when the nightmare will start to be less intense.

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going, we are here for you but there is only so much we can do, the rest is up to you.

Please take care and be careful,

indigo

sbella02

Miniforever,

There may be several homeless shelters in your area who you could get into contact with, if you do find yourself in that position. There are also local Facebook groups (if you're on Facebook) that you might be able to find with regards to finding affordable housing, or at least moral support and advice from people who have been in similar positions.

Abuse is never your fault. As humans, we naturally trust people, particularly if they're telling us something that we subconsciously want to hear, or feeding into a need of ours. I've been with somebody emotionally manipulative before, and everybody around me was telling me to get myself out of that situation, but for some reason I felt like these withdrawal-like symptoms whenever I tried to put an end to it. It was like an addiction, it was awful. I blamed myself. At the end of the day, taking on all the blame shifts the responsibility from the aggressor in the situation, who more than likely is well aware of what they're doing, and the consequences of their actions. It's likely not the first time your partner has been in this position themselves, or acted in this way towards somebody.

Your safety (emotional and physical) is the most important factor in this situation. You deserve to feel safe, as do your children. I hope all these posts here can support and empower you to seek a resolution to all the stress and devastation that this person has caused you.

We're here for you.