I have so many regrets

[miniforever]

I’ll get straight to the point.

My father was a very unintentionally charming man and everyone who’d been in his company found him funny and charismatic.

What they didn’t know was he had a temper and aggressive streak.

Both my mum and I had been the targets of his fists.  My poor mum also had to suffer the wrath of her father.
I still to this day (in my mind), see my father physically assaulting my mum.

I have red marks and bruises all over me going to school.  Back in those times, nobody looked at these issues. Mum used to blame me for being beaten up by my father.

I left and ran far far away being independent for my whole life.

Until I met my partner.

I foolishly thought I’d met someone who genuinely loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Then the nightmare from my childhood returns in the form of my partner.

He was lovely and sweet before the kids came along.  Then like a switch, he became this person who is not like the one I was with before kids.

He became more aggressive and critical. He doesn’t like being asked questions (questions=attack on him). We used to mark appointments on calendars so we wouldn’t double book.  He stopped, citing it was none of my business, or he told me weeks ago so why couldn’t I remember.

I didn’t want to have a child until I get a new job and settled in.  But he told me time is of the essence and we needed to try soon.

I asked, what if I couldn’t get a job after having kids?  He told me not to worry as he would take care of all of us.

Then it started. Like a switch.

I had a horrible birth experience and needed a lot of support.  He told me women have babies all the time and I should just move on.

I said I couldn’t go through it again for a second child.  He laughed of course we were having a second child!

Yes I agree with you if you’re reading this.  I am stupid.

I trusted him and loved him.

So I gave him a second child.

When second child was 4 months old, he assaulted me and tried to call the police to falsely report I endangered my children.

Why did he hit me?

I told him we shouldn’t let our 3.5 year old climb all over tables disturbing patrons at the restaurant and not to let him run across the carpark. He told me his parents tried to control what he did and that now I was doing the same to our kids (3.5y and 4mths).

I was shocked.

He wanted to sell up everything so he could go hide away and we had to fend for ourselves.

He rushed back during lunch next day and gave me a hug (I think it was more to check I hadn’t taken the kids away).

So that has given him the license to do it again.

My childhood nightmare continues.

Why am I so stupid?

Why didn’t I run away?

Why did I have the babies.

Now I’m scared, trapped and hopeless.

He made a false report on me that I attacked me when the marks were from me defending myself.

The police gave him a lot of assistance as to what to do with me.

Now, if he doesn’t like something I say or when I disagree with him, he said he would call the police to tell them he doesn’t feel safe because I’m crazy.

I feel utterly hopeless and worthless that I’d gotten myself in such a situation.

[indigo22]

Hi miniforever,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a nightmare with your partner on top of what you dealt with as a child.

Your partner sounds like a narcissist unfortunately, what you have described has all the red flags. If you have not heard of 'gaslighting', please look it up on the internet, I am fairly confident that you will recognise all the signs. Please don't blame yourself for the situation you are in, they are master manipulators and part of their plan is to make you feel (as you said) worthless and hopeless. I urge you not to spend another minute believing those things, you have been targeted and manipulated and it's time to take back your personal power, even if that means you have to pretend to be helpless for the time being until you can find a way to get yourself and your children to safety. I have a sister who is a narcissist so I recognise the behaviour. If you have joint ownership of a house or joint bank accounts, please get some legal advice. Whatever you do, don't let him know that you are aware of what he is doing.

I noticed in another post that Sophie M gave you the contact for 1800 Respect, that should be your first phone call, they deal with domestic violence everyday and will be able to advise you further.

I am really sorry you have been manipulated, there are others on the forums who have also been through this so I hope they will see your post and reach out to you.

Please feel free to continue this conversation if you are comfortable doing so, I will be here if you want to talk.

Take good care of yourself,

indigo

[sbella02]

Miniforever, my heart breaks for you reading your story, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It must feel so hopeless having this kind of person as such a prominent figure in your life, given that you've experienced this before with your father. I hope you know that you are deserving of so much more love and respect than this person is showing you - people who behave like this are also often fully aware of what they're doing and how it's affecting people.

I'm just here to offer my words of support and echo everything that Indigo22 has said, word for word. 1800Respect is a brilliant resource, and they can likely point you in the right direction of what to do next. Make sure you're collecting evidence - photos, texts, anything that you can in writing that supports your side in preparation for either escalating this to the police (if this is a feasible option) or legally (once again, if feasible). You deserve so much better, and so do your children.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're blaming yourself. It's not your fault. As humans, we tend to trust people and downplay signs that would allow us to do otherwise. 

Do you have a support network around you at all? Any colleagues, loved ones, anyone around you who you might be able to seek verbal or even physical support/shelter from? Strong social support can be greatly empowering in these kinds of difficult situations.

Wishing you all the best, truly. We're here for you.