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Broken- am I unfixable?
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Hi, how did I get here, where do I even begin. I am a middle aged female who is not good at talking about me or my feelings but I am suffering, my marriage is suffering.
Growing up watching my father abuse my mother was very distressing. Us kids weren't on the receiving end but it still impacted greatly. I was not close to my dad I had a lot of fear, hate and anger towards him. I learned from a young age to appease people, not express my anger and to defuse situations not escalate them. We were a very close family with no other family in Oz. My mother was my world as were my sisters and brother, we did everything together and my husband and I were always there if needed, especially for my youngest sister who became judgemental, opinionated of me and my family as she grew.
My older sister in her late 20's was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, she turned on me, hating me and tried to hurt me physically. We couldn't trust her around me at all. Basically I lost my eldest sister as our relationship and she was never the same and I blame the illness not her.
In 2004 I suffered an injury unable to use my predominant arm with multiple operations to try and fix I was diagnosed suffering chronic pain disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, major depressive disorder and loss of memory & time. I shut my emotions down to cope with the pain and got by as I had 2 children try to look after-lasted 13 yrs. I couldn't seem to unlock my emotions after. My father died 2014 my mum didn't cope (depression?) helped her through it all as much as we could while my sister and family were causing trouble for mine. Mum and I had an argument over them as the judgements, accusations wouldn't stop and I just couldn't keep taking it and that day changed everything. Mum turned on me/us and said told horrible, nasty malicious lies to family and they were happy to believe it. Who would have thought the very people I was closest to and trusted most in this world 'my family-my best friends' would be the ones to hurt me, my husband & kids so badly. They threw me/us away. I use to 'feel' so much love, laughter and happiness. That trauma too is locked inside. After 8 yrs I reached out as I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to them, nothing has been spoken about what happened but it is not the same. I don't belong. I have all these emotions/anxiety coming up that I am struggling to contain and function with. I feel so overwhelmed.
Thanks for listening!
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Hi, welcome
I believe you are fixable... the real issue here is how long it will take you to believe and take action for YOU to become fixed?
Some of us experience family trauma, alienation, not fitting in and because they are blood, we think it's the end of the world. But with the proper mindset, it can be the beginning, let me explain further.
Following my stopping contact with my mother forever 13 years ago After abrasive nasty treatment I had was not of the standard I thought they were, I had to change my thinking. I asked myself many times- "is it ideal, healthy for me to live in hope knowing their manipulating attitudes will never change?. What can I do to receive the love I hope to get from them?
The answer came to me at an event with the passing of a loving in-law that I cherished and the blood relatives I had were only interested in what attention I wasnt giving them during our grief. I realised- "family are not people with blood only, they are people that walk with you through the smoke of life holding your hand"
Many years has passed since my mindset changed and now my wife and I are surrounded with love and care from a handful of people that look upon us as the same in terms of values, happiness and the absence of all those family traits that never go away.
A huge part of this developed mindset has been a positive outlook. At the bottom is a post that I wrote about how this changed in 30 minutes when I was 26yo (now 68) so motivation lectures can help. Eg the old saying "I felt sorry for myself when I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet". This can be applied in every situation. eg "I felt sorry for myself with my lack of a loving family until I turned to a good loving friend and realised... she is my family". Another- "I felt down when 3 days from payday I only had noodles and frozen vegetables left to eat... until I saw a family on TV in Africa sharing one small bowl of rice". This is the mindset that I've had for 40 years and its amazing how powerful it is. You actually have some of it now - ".....and I blame the illness not her." The 2nd post is about guilt that you would need to overcome.
So my suggestions also includes immersing yourself into a hobby, sport, a club so you invite laughter, friendships so they distract you from regurgitating the past. After a while you might get contact from your estranged family members and you'll think "why would I risk my happy life by returning to what will end up being the same life I had...why punish myself?"
"All of us deserve a happy life just some arent worthy to share it with us"
I hope that helps, reply anytime
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525
TonyWK
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Hi Tony and thank you so much for your time, kind words of support and sharing some if your story. Thank you for the links I will look at those a little later.
I have always been a person who had the mindset that there is always somebody out there who’s doing it tougher, rougher, going through a harder times. Always been grateful for the handful of dear friends I do have in my life and have had the mindset that family is not always blood because I very much believe this too. I am very blessed in life, have a wonderful husband 2 children and 3 grandchildren that is the beat of my heart.
I find it so easy and genuine to support and talk to others through their difficult times but struggle to talk and think about ‘ME’
(though doing surprisingly well on here Tony ha) as I can’t burden them on-top of their struggles so always just get on with things and life, until now.
This is a wonderful platform with caring and supportive people. Thank you.
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Well that narrows it down more which happens on first posts/replies. Great to hear you have a good mindset.
So self care is the core of your problems it seems. Not unusual with empathetic people to neglect yourself, but we should also remind ourselves that other people react and act differently and while we have needs too, other people might not respond in kind, they might well love us wholeheartedly but people are busy so they dont often see the signs of the silent crying out. That's why the best approach you might already identify with, is to celebrate when you get any positive help and if not battle it out yourself by way of ideas. However more identification of the problems is needed.
Do you feel you are-
- sensitive
- Lacking sleep
- Sleep excessively
- Moody
- Anxious
- Not enough time for yourself
- Lacking a hobby or sport
- Have goals
- Have a common interest with your husband
TonyWK
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Answers to your questions below;
Do you feel you are-
- sensitive-Yes- at the moment
- Lacking sleep- Yes
- Sleep excessively- no
- Moody-no
- Anxious- Yes
- Not enough time for yourself- Yes
- Lacking a hobby or sport- Yes
- Have goals- Yes - my husband and I have our goals but I don’t have my own goals
- Have a common interest with your husband-Yes
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Thanks for responding. If you are only sensitive atm, then it's not a major concern. Whereas I'm ultra sensitive most times hence the question.
Lacking sleep. Have you had a sleep study?. Lack of sleep is very underrated in terms of our mood, reactions and our sensitivity. You can ask your GP. It was discovered I have moderate sleep apnoea. I use a cpap- a great improvement in my aleetness.
Anxiety. It's curable but long term commitment is needed. Relaxation techniques for me had their greatest impact. For decades I've listened to Prem rawat Maharaji while relaxing. Google maharaji sunset.
Hobbies/sports. An old friend of a friend felt stale, she joined a bush walking club. She turned her life around. Or barrack for a footy club. Buy a pet.
I have several interests but my lovely wife didn't. I pressed her to find a few. She's currently doing crochet but also she draws, even colouring in books adult type. Paint by numbers? No moss on a rolling stone.
As for your sister with schizophrenia that's a tough situation. My wife had a best friend. Her and her husband wanted to join us on a round Oz trip. It was so stressful. She was unpredictable. In fact she went 15 years taking her meds then suddenly stopped. She went missing, car found abandoned in the bush etc. We were supportive but could never reach her demands. Again, a plan to reduce contact is looking after yourself.
I have another post for you to read. Google "beyondblue variety and distraction "
How are you feeling now? Any improvement?
TonyWK
