Hi 2quik
I wish I was there with you, sitting beside you, able to talk freely about the incredible pain that comes from being in the very depths of depression. It's a pain no one fully understands unless they've been in this incredibly dark place. There can be a myriad of reasons when it comes to what leads us to such a place, yet no matter the reason the pain is excruciating for all.
While I experienced this place for myself more than 20 years ago, I still remember it clearly. There is that feeling where you just want to scream 'I don't know how to live anymore, I don't know what to do!' There is the feeling that it will go on forever, this struggle of ups and downs within depression. Little did I know then, in my darkest moment, but I would eventually rise out of my depression. Since then, each significant challenge in life has been a test to stay out of it. They have been life changing tests, with each requiring me to shed an old sense of identity, such as enabling others at the expense of my peace, sacrificing elements of my self-esteem so as to be 'loved' or accepted and the list goes on. Gradually, I have managed to raise myself beyond who I thought I was, beyond how I once identified myself or was identified by others. It has been and still is a deeply challenging process. It is a unique process of self-rejection, where old aspects of self gradually die off. 'I reject the sense of self that enables others. I reject the sense of self that looks for greater consciousness from those whose minds are closed to analysis and greater understanding. I reject the sense of self that says 'There are no answers/solutions''. While self-rejection is not a bad thing when it is achieved consciously, it can be an overwhelmingly painful and confusing process without greater awareness and guidance, a process which can lead to feeling like we're slowly dying (one part of the story). A strange analogy but it's a bit like Tarzan letting go of a vine without another vine to grab onto. I believe when we let go, there must be a new sense of identity to take hold of. The next vine and the next is what creates a sense of flow and direction.
I believe there are times in life where we can find our self letting go of a lot of stuff, swinging happily into a newfound sense of euphoria, but without something to grab onto we can suddenly experience the feeling of falling. Letting go is part 1 of our story of change, learning how to take hold of who we're going to be is part 2.
🙂
