I can't usually take care of myself

[Crisimare]

Hi I'm a young man with PTSD n schizophrenia and I can't usually take care of myself

It's because I have trauma of being bashed for looking after myself and fear of rape

I know I shouldn't of but the antipsychotic medication they put me on made looking after myself harder so I took some unprescribed medication just so I could break the trauma n take care of myself

I used to use MSN for social support n tried using new ones but everyone can't hold a conversation and is so superficial n fake n don't want to hear about people's problems

I was looking online for support to keep looking after myself n reassurance that I'm not alone

I only showered on Friday n it's been the first time in 12 years that I've been able to

I tried talking online but no one cares

I can't talk about it irl to case workers coz I did unprescribed medication to take care of myself

I used social media 12 years ago too n had a online relationship were I fixed myself so I know social media can really help and be a powerful tool

Just want encouragement to keep looking after myself and similar people who understand

I'm aware of the risks n don't want to do harder drugs but I'm socially isolated which makes me more vulnerable to it

Ty for reading

Matt

[Aaronsis]

Hey Matt

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on reaching out for some support and some comfort, it is not easy to do so well done for doing so. Can I start by saying that PTSD and Schizophrenia are conditions that you have and not who you are as a person, they are not what you are made of. I am sorry that you have not received the support that you need and that we all need from friends or from even online avenues that you thought you could make some connections on, that is really hard.

We are here for you, this community is so very supportive and there is no judgement or criticism. I am wondering if you would like to talk some more about the feelings that you do have around "being bashed for looking after myself"?..only if you want to and only if you feel comfortable to Matt.

I am so very proud of you for taking a shower on Friday, while I don't understand the fear and the pain that goes with doing some of these tasks I understand that it is real and that is it absolutely debilitating for people to sometimes to the tasks that we take for granted in being able to do. That is a huge achievement, well done.
I am glad to hear that you have had a time in your life where you were able to feel better, "had an online relationship were i fixed myself", there are so many positive things to coming to an online platform, that you can be anonymous, you can share some of your worries and concerns, you can be honest (to a degree). The fact, and it is a fact as you have experienced it before is that there is hope and there is help and also a brighter tomorrow for you. With help and support that you can build up what you need to make some choice for you that keep building you.

I know you realise that taking mind altering drugs is not a good choice, I know you know that as I can hear your remorse for doing so. I am in no way judging you for doing so but I hope that you can get some support here that replaces the need for these drugs. That is why I am so proud of you for reaching out here, making this new connection to get some support Matt.

I hope we can chat some more.

Huge hugs to you
Sarah xx

[Guest_4643]

Hi Crisimare, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry you're struggling, please know that people do care - professionals and people online such as here. I hope you feel safe and find support here.

I also struggle with PTSD but from different events and I'm sorry you've been through that.

Please take care and be safe and don't harm yourself, please seek help. People care.

Thinking of you. Sorry my reply isn't that long currently because I'm dealing with my own things and a bit busy but I do care.

Tayla

[Crisimare]

Well I fixed myself 12 years ago when I had similar issues and with hygiene

My mother gave me a book to make fun of me on self help that I read

I talked online alot but I was concious of my appearance and had really close internet friends

I went to a store one day n saw my reflection n my mind I thought I looked normal n it made me want to kill myself

I told my mother's bf about this and he told me to do it.

I made a ultimatum that if I wasn't going to kill myself I wasn't going to live that way

I had terrible acne n pustles all over my body from neglect hygiene etc

I fixed it reading the book my mother gave to me as a joke n talking online to my friends for support

I fixed all of it my health hygiene diet exercise cleaning my room

Then one day my mother's boyfriend breaks up with her taking the internet with him

I was upset n mother started abusing me coz of her bf leaving her

The fight was terrible she said why do I even brush my teeth they'll all just fall out anyway

Tells me I won't grow bigger coz she doesn't feed me

Says U think Ur real hot shit don't U Matthew

Etc there's more but that's all I can type right now I'm getting emotional

[Aaronsis]

Thank you for sharing what I can feel is a really painful and very emotional situation that you have to live with. I am so sorry that you dont have the support that you need to make you feel like the brave and intelligent man that you are.

I am pleased you do have some material that you can reference in order to get yourself back to a level of hygiene that does make you feel more accepting of you. I can't imagine the pain of seeing one's own reflection and wanting to end your life as a result of what you see. Can I suggest to you at this time though when your hygiene has not been as good as it can be and that when you are feeling so very bad about yourself that sometimes our view of ourselves literally changes and that what you think you see in the mirror is not how you really look?

That is possibly the best thing about my day today..reading what you wrote about making that ultimatum with yourself..."I made a ultimatum that if I wasn't going to kill myself I wasn't going to live that way"...what an amazing attitude and a real awakening for you. I am so pleased that you do not want to take your life and I hope you are still feeling hopeful that there is a brighter tomorrow for you Matthew.

I can feel the pain that it causes you to hear those words come from your mother. Her relationship with her boyfriend was hers and it ended through them, the two of them, not because of you. I am sure you are feeling bad for your mother that her relationship has ended and that she is sad, however, this is not your fault.

If you are struggling with not having the internet as your mother's boyfriend provided that for you, there are some places you can go to use public and free internet. I understand that while you are feeling bad about how you look and what your situation is this might be a difficult option for you, however, it might also be an option that helps you to get up in the morning and have a shower, to put some clean clothes on and to do your hair and teeth, to make you feel good about you and then head out. The positives could be two fold.

I am just wanting to confirm that you are getting meals and the nutrition that you need at home Matthew? I am not sure of your age and you do not have to tell me but I just want to make sure that you have some food to eat.

Thank you once again for sharing your story with us and I am proud of you for doing that.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Crisimare]

I'm an adult now this was 12 years ago I wasn't fed properly as a kid but I eat better now

The trauma from these events is what makes it hard to this day

More bad things happened afterward almost up to this day

But it was a day I turned everything around and when it all began

So I reflect on it alot coz it's wat I need to do now but why I struggle

I never had any support except online as a kid because everyone thought my parents were ok in would lie

I've talked to many councillors about this but I've never been able to look after myself till now

In a way it's really sad going to those psychologists because I just rot n endure them n they don't deal with the trauma

It would make me angry to because I would compare my internet friends I had to my councillors n it made me angry to think randoms online could do more than qualified professionals

I went psychotic over this n used to drink to numb myself but I've quit

[Aaronsis]

That is good to hear that you are now eating well now, I was worried that perhaps you were not in a position to be getting food or the nutrients that you need.

I am so sorry to hear that your life has been full of trauma and that these traumas seemed to have gone on for a long time. It is a shame too that as you were growing up people could not see that you needed help or some guidance. Even though you say that everyone thought your parents were ok, the fact that you didn't is need for some support. Perception is everything and I guess just as your friends thought things were fine, does not in any way mean that they are, and just as you felt that things were not fine, maybe they were, but if you felt like you were being traumatized this is a concern. I am so sorry that there was no support for you then.

What would you like the psychologists to address most with you? You don't have to answer this if you don't like but I am wondering if perhaps asking outright for what you need in the way of support and help might be helpful in itself. Sometimes we just want to he heard and acknowledged that bad things happened to us, maybe even an apology that these bad things happened to us, do you think that is what you are needing for part of your healing that you are not getting from your Psychologist?

I also wanted to say too to the point you made about randoms online sometimes could do more than these professionals can, I think that is to do with connection. You obviously had made some really good connections online and these people resonated with you and understood you and could comfort you, we don't always make those connections with everyone as you well know, Doctors are just people too and just as we don't get along with all people we don't always make the connection with the professionals we meet too and this can be a real barrier in the healing journey. It does sometimes take a few different doctors until you can find the one you gel with and who you feel gets you and supports you the way you need to be.

I am sorry to hear that this fact drove you to drink and made you feel psychotic, that is very frustrating I can imagine, I am happy to hear though that you have quit your drinking and that is a huge credit to you. Another thing you are doing that is very positive, you are doing so many things right Matthew and you are a very brave man.

Virtual hugs to you Matthew

Sarah xx

[Crisimare]

There's nothing they can I've complained about it before n I understand it's there job not to get to close and they don't respond because they don't want to lead on the conversation

But idk that at first n it made me feel really sad n like I was being ignored

I guess I wanted the same as my online experience if not better were it really helped and inspired me
 
It's more because I can hear my mother's voice ridiculing me for having internet friends n comparing real life to online as better to online

So if it's better why aren't they helping more?

Why could I only talk to ppl online why are the ppl irl so crap?

Etc

And it would trigger rage
 
Like just imagine being so uncomfortable in Ur own skin and losing Ur mind needing real practical help for example with hygiene or accommodation as a child or advice

But Ur surrounded by stupid ppl who judge based on appearance n use thought terminating cliches n weasel words n say look after urself when U can't n don't listen to U n U can't confide n because of said issues n being judgemental and patronizing

Then imagine having it for years struggling with hygiene n being personal n honestly to proud to admit to it then Bam

That's wat it's like long story short a kind of hell
 
Then just imagine being so badly hurt n keeping it inside soldiering on n developing Jekyll n Hyde talking to self psychotically from being continually treated badly by other ppl based on appearance

The Jekyll being the abused one that gets pushed around by ppl ppl walking into Ur way ignoring U speeding up in cars yelling at U n the Hyde venting

[Crisimare]

Thank you for the support it's reminiscent of when I used MSN for support in highschool n fixed myself

[Aaronsis]

Hey Matthew

You have been through so much trauma and I am really sorry this has happened to you. You have put forward some really good questions and I can give you my perspective on some of them, I am in no way a professional, just a person who cares.

I think with online we have a protection shield, a barrier, that we are protected by, so it lets us be raw and honest and perhaps be the true version of who we are without the judgement of appearance and identity. You maybe do have the confidence to say and talk and express yourself and make friends with people who are also being raw and honest and together you have a connection, whereas in a face to face situation you may be so consumed by the thoughts that over take you, that your appearance is this and that and you perhaps dont even speak and then miss an opportunity to meet another person, let alone make a connection. And maybe that other person on the other side is the same, they have issues that when they are in a person to person situation that they studder and cannot speak, you once again would never have had the opportunity to meet them. I think you get what I am getting at here that the online platform allows us some courage to be our true selves???

It is really hard to hear that you have your mother's voice playing over in your mind with reminders that your way of interacting with people was not to her liking. I feel happy that you did have connections with others and that you did have people to share your life with, does it matter that they are online? If that is all you are able to manage and that your appearance is effecting your ability to be able to make "face to face" friends then I think it is great you have had the courage to still be engaging with people when you could have chosen not to, and totally withdraw.

I hear what you are saying with regards to taking care of yourself and people saying things like "look after yourself".."why thank you for that ingenious concept, I am glad you pointed that out I had no idea, but now thank you"...sorry that is my sarcastic side but i feel like this sort of comment is like tell a depressed person "chin up" or "you'll be right"...not helpful at all and I am sorry this was the advice given to you.

You sure have had a rough time Matthew and I hate that you have had to adapt and to form a shell to cope with this abuse and judgement and to be able to hide who you are to cope.

I am so glad you are here talking.

Hugs

Sarah xx