I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Oh wow thank you. Yes I can go to flying my glider and looking for fluffy clouds that hide upward thermal that can lift me thousands of metres. Upward upward and now drop out and spiral down while looking for another upward draft and boom back up hang on move around spiral. Why was I so adventurous and now I’m so scared to a windy road. I need my free self back. Free and happy. I was still damaged hurt and abused but terror was not the foremost in my emotions.
The giant heavy boom boot is a back draft

i used to also sail boats and be free what happened to that person. Flying and sailing are very similar. I need to get out of my own way. Who am I what do I want

im over me. I want my family back ffs I’m angry I’m sad and I’m honestly giving up. I need more life and more time. Everyone around me is flawed. I’m flawed. Reality reality it’s not ideal

im physically weak and mostly unwell I used to run to shake feeling unwell. I can’t walk to the loo.

self pity yes I’m going to a gym and have a physical therapist so I’m trying.

Maybe I’m lazy maybe I gave up years of knock downs has made me sit. I think I sat down as it was the least resistance. Sitting or lying is mostly what I do. Yes broken foot advanced osteoarthritis but wtf. I’m a little angry and frustrated.
2022 please let it be better or is it up to me.
if it’s up to me. Yes stellar year.
Thanks for popping in Croix. Very needed.

[Mum Chris]

I just re read my posts Super angry super everything. I’m going to be ok. I know it I’m a fighter. I’m obstinate.

[mmMekitty]

It's good to get these things out.

I see you trying, never lazy - not once have I thought you were lazy. Sure, sitting & doing nothing requires little effort or energy, but I don't think you've been doing that either. Yes, this injury to your foot has limited your physical mobility, & the struggle to move about can give you the impression that you are weak. It ain't necessarily so.

I don't know, what do you do in the gym? I suspect it's actually quite a lot - certainly lots more than those of us who don't go to the gym at all. What's the feedback from the physical therapist? Do you trust that?

You say everyone around you is flawed, & you are too. That's true. So am I. I have conceded that I don't need to be perfect, or even very good. I only ned to be 'good enough', & able to accept I won't always get things right, first time or every time thereafter either. I do have a concern I may make a mistake so big I could not come back from it, but recognise the likelihood of that has dramatically diminished, because I am caring more for myself now than I ever did. I've been so extremely fortunate that the mistakes I have made were at least a couple degrees from irreparable.

I guess I've refused to let my past totally defeat me, because if I did, I wouldn't be here. Neither might you. This is why I think you are a lot stronger than you feel.

Sometimes when I see stuff that goes on in the world, how people survive the most horrific things, which I cannot accurately imagine, & I am so often astounded at how much resilience there is in us humans. I don't know why I am astonished, seeing it so much. Maybe it's because from within an experience we become so focused on surviving each moment we don't see what strength it takes, & from a distance it still isn't resonating fully just how awful the experience was? I don't know. Only that I have. You have. So many people here have too. F them, we are going to survive. I think that's what I thought then & think still.

I don't know what I did, how I did, just that I did. It's rather like acting according to instinct. Whatever it is that getts us through, it's good enough for me. Yep, that'll do.

So, vent, that's okay. Take hold of some of that anger & frustration & use it in the gym. I'd love to be able to do that.

Please, kindness & love for yourself, & some more virtual tissues, (huge supply, remember), some more ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for you, too. You do deserve every one of these & more to come.

mmMeKitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I think my explosion of emotions is fizzling out today I’m calm and sleepy.
Thanks for the feedback and the support.
Physical therapist is super positive and I suppose that’s the job. I do very little at the gym as I’m just starting and now set back. So it’s arms and seated weights. I’ve been once last week and I will go once this week. They are only open limited hours and closed public holidays. Not a young person’s gym. I will keep going I think but I need to check out what restrictions are in place with the new outbreak.
Thank you for the hearts I’m using them

MC

[Croix]

Dear MC~

Some random thoughts in no particular order:

As an aside a I did appreciate mmMekitty’s post, and spotted not only a line from Porgy and Bess, but also the use of a naughty word -well the start of one anyway, all embedded in a solid block of sense and empathy.

As she says anger is a great tool. I’ve used it to do what I thought I could not.

The fact you can look back on your posts and see your anger is good, not everyone can do that, and if you see the tool you may be able to use it too.

A mK says nobody is perfect, and you cannot therefor expect perfection from yourself. But it will not stop you striving for it. Just don’t take it to much to heart when you find you are human (again).

Sitting is not lazy, it is appropriate, there is a difference. Being lazy might not be going to the gym when you can.

There is a big gap between giving up and pausing for breath.

My reveries and recollections have been edited by time, I do not think of the walk I can no longer make to get to that turf sward on the cliff, I edit out the fact I could not row the boat into that grotto. I’m living the moment.

Maybe that is just something peculiar to me, perhaps not. Maybe you can savor the moments in the sky, the view, the perspective, or the force of the wind and movement in the water with your boat.

If not then please look for others equivalents, it does assist when the world becomes too small, circumscribed by pain and fear.

Yes 2022 will be partly up to you, but as a fighter, and an obstinate one at that, I am pretty certain you will make the best of what you can do. Please do not forget it is not all up to you, no matter what you plan or how hard you try - so please try not to blame yourself for things outside your control.

It is circumstances and other people too that will make it up. Hopefully both will be pleasant and add to the year. With the unhappy people in the background and ill fortune only of a minor nature.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

I’m watching the birds playing in the bird bath and inviting well wishes over. I get a message how are you healing and I say come see me I have cabin fever. I got out to corner outdoor cafe yesterday with a friend and family coming today and tomorrow we have a visitor coming. All are in self inflicted lockdown and also got cabin fever. 😂

[Croix]

Dear MC~

I could not think of a better way of spending the day.

I too love watching birds, we have at different times everything from wrens and wagtails to hawks and black cockatoos. They empty the birdbath in minutes, and are a sight that transports me.

Having friends and family over is helping both of you and a really great idea. Sadly self-imposed lowdown is the only sensible way for many, the only advantage over real lock-down is one is free to use one's own judgment on making exceptions.

I hope tomorrow is equally good

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC & Croix,

I love birds - their sounds (aside from Mekitty's sounds), are the most wonderful for me. I used to like being able to see them, to discover where they might be in a thee. I still enjoy any bird sounds.

I have some soundscape recordings, especially made to hear all sorts of birds , & some have creaking branches & some rain fall, & one has a brief (edited?) thunderstorm. I think that's the one which goes from a riotous dawn chorus to a peaceful evening, when the birds are settling down. I do also have a couple CDs of birdssong set to music.

I don't get a huge variety of birds here. Mostly Crows & Magpies, which I think compete for this territory.

Yes, it must be lovely. & a great idea to do the get-togethers outdoors, whenever weather permits. & it not, if you can open up windows, that' could be your next best option.

Talk more soon.

& thanks for all hearts! I'm sure they worked some magic on the ward. A couple other patients seemed to hit it off so well, I wouldn't be surprised if they exchanged contact details. 😸

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC (and mK)~

Self-inflicted lock-down for Mrs C and I includes a short walk along the riverbank. As it was muggy before a huge storm which came later we went today.

There we saw what we thought was the world's fattest native hen. It took over most of a reed bed sitting out in the water away from the bank. It was basically a black blob with a head, beady eyes and a beak.

Then a tiny bald head poked out from underneath, looked the world over on a long flexible neck, then snuggled back in the warmth of fluffed feathers.

It's chick time again, and they come in all stages from tiny fluff-ball to teenager.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I had an exciting day buying presents for grandchildren they are coming for a short visit. I’m sure the kids won’t be aware of how hard it was to get their presents and special food treats for them. I redid their rooms with some new lamps and new pjs. So hard on crutches with a mask on in the heat and trying to avoid contact or proximity to people who are not masked. I know some can’t wear a mask but these are young healthy individuals not heading warnings. Having trouble getting supplies too but hopefully my food delivery tomorrow will consist of staples I ordered.
Psychologist next week and then surgeon to check if my foot is healed. I think it’s a lot better and I hope I’m off the crutches and out of the moon boot soon.
Hubby is a bit shaky he’s going through something. He goes back to a job he hates soon so maybe just that. His personal dark cloud 🌧

My brain is calmer and my emotions are steadying. I’m sure this will change I just have to remember it gets better.

MC