I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[smallwolf]

Hi. I read your story this evening and you have certainly been through a lot in recent times. I just wanted to say that I hope tomorrow goes OK for you. I also want to say that it seems like you are, in a sense, being assertive in keeping thing light because of how you feel. I notice you mentioned vulnerability. Another word is rawness. You are not ready for that part is that is OK. Your friends perhaps like does not like something to be unresolved. Thinking of you.

Tim

[Mum Chris]

Hi Tim

Yes my friend wanted it forever fixed and I explained I’m suffering from CPTSD and it’s impossible for me to finish a full emotion without hitting the road again and cutting her off. 🤪🤪 She’s sending me a lot of funny jokes and memes and I respond with laughy faces.
I can sometimes kid myself I’m ok and talk and look ok which is confusing.
my husband is never confused he sees me walk in with a smile and then slump and be me.
im so angry at so many people all through my life and I’m still trapped in some family relationships but I’m currently the most free as I have ever been. Soon I will lose my mum and that will allow me to detach and cutoff my lifelong narcissistic abuser. The person that trained me to accept hatred and abuse. I love my mum such as she was but that says more about me than her. I’m just sad it took me this long to find out what I was suffering. Grew up with it and surrounded myself with it and raised it. I had a lot of therapy and got remarried and broke that cycle but my kids did not go unscathed. The narcissists in my family hated each other and that’s a revelation too. I couldn’t see them but they saw each other.
Anyway I’m not super aware and have built a mansion in denial

Should change my name to late to the party. 👻

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

As you have found out (a very hard way to learn) you not only have to find the ways that make you feel more in control and calm, this is a task I'm still working on, though with a fair degree of success nowadays. Unfortunatly also you have to shun, or teach others how to react in ways that are best for you.

I'm not found many who have the wisdom, empathy and life experiencing to be comfortable to be with from the start.

Irrespective of you mixed feelings about your mother I hope the doll turns up. I also hope that your visit to your psych was along the lines you needed. I'm not sure you are in as much denial as you might feel, your observations seem pretty spot-on.

I'm glad you can say "I'm currently the most free as I have ever been" even though it is only partial ATM

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Friday was a tough day 3 stressful events I had telephone call with psychologist and I asked questions and didn’t like the answers. I want to stop crying all the time and would like to find out how to stop. She didn’t agree I need to stop and said I should be crying and in time it will stop. 30 minute call with her and I cried the whole time. I have 1 more visit with her and that’s it. Then was the funeral and I streamed it and many things affected me. Lots more tears and regrets. Then my counsellor called and she had done her job and I said don’t call anymore and thanked her for helping me more tears because she really saved me from making dangerous situations. Her role was my safety and that was her focus and her job. Her time will be needed by others especially leading into the silly season and I did need to let go. I will be forever grateful to her the counseling and explaining entitlement coercive control and zero empathy that some individuals have as their core beliefs. She also organised a locksmith and personal alarms and it helped me feel safer. I really choked up when I was saying thank you and good bye. I was all cried out by end of the day and Saturday was a good day surprisingly.
I had a meltdown and got sooo anxious today and my husband freaked out and begged me to please calm down because he thinks it’s going to kill me. He is scared I’ll have a heart attack or something and he said you are getting so upset like this every week and it’s scaring him. I looked at him and said I get like this nearly every day and sometimes multiple times I just hide it. I shouldn’t have said that but it’s true.

I’m ok till something comes up like Mums doll getting stolen or a conflict. I feel it taking over my mind and I get jumpy and reactive and I will cry or freak out and run. Panic is a good way to describe it. I’m sure it’s a disaster and it’s the worst thing in the world.

I think my blood pressure is up and down I go bright red and at other times dizzy and weak.

Psychologist said it’s very important to eat well and exercise and suggested I do small steps and refocus on my physical health and I’m back eating better and I went to the gym.

Today is gardening snoozing and deep breathing to try and lower the redness of my face.

I think my dog needs carers leave he has been my best mate and my safety net. He gets in my face when I’m upset and won’t leave my side. He did something today and my husband saw it and it was amazing.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I'm a bit concerned, you mention that you get stressed and refer to your blood pressure and skin colour, so I'm wondering if you have had it checked out. Going red, then going dizzy are symptoms that can be indicative of things going wrong that can probably easily be treated. Do you think it is worth getting advice on these?

An additional advantage is if you are physically checked out you husband may not stress to the same extent when you are crying and upset.

As for crying, it is inconvenient, embarrassing, messy, exhausting and in my case frightening when I first started to cry as a mature male. Plus it hurt!

I was suffering with all sorts of mental conditions at the time and it came out of the blue. Looking back it was my way of coping with some of it I guess.

It did me no real harm, and possibly a lot of good. I still have the habit at times many years on. So if you cry a lot you may simply need to, a better way of reacting and coping than many.

I can't say I'm surprised some things get to you too easily, after all you are dealing with an awful lot, and a little thing can tip you over into being upset. It's only natural. I'm glad you are back attending to your physical health wiht the gym and eating, it can certainly help.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a question. You mentioned your counselor and saying she had done her job and you did not need her to call again. By the sound of it she'd been a pretty positive influence on you in the past. Was this a need to try to stand with less support - a totally understandable move?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Yes I do need another check up and the red face and feeling off has increased in last couple of weeks. I’m just so reactive and things really set me off. Now I am getting fixated on stuff and I can’t let it go. I need a solution now or I just get more and more upset. I have no patience and I can’t wait without getting stressed out. My husband asked his friend over and didn’t specify a actual time and it was so frustrating. I need certainties and exact plans.
I think it’s the CPTSD and the damage that has done to my mind and emotions.
I am trying to not go down the self hatred road but it’s hard when I’m so distressed and obviously on edge. I think I’m ok and get on with my day and a relatively small thing will happen and bam it’s back freak out and a cry. Then insecure thoughts and self hatred tries to get back in my head. It’s so exhausting and I think maybe I’ve always been this way. Last week was personally a very bad week and this week is also a very sad time for me. I’m trying to not think about Christmas too. The counsellor was awesome but it was for managing the danger and keeping me safe. I was so vulnerable and the situation was so extreme and it’s not forever service. She offered to keep it going but I said no. My reason is there’s nothing more she can do for me and it’s time I found long term solutions. She helped me understand narcissistic behaviour and what it does to you and that they can’t feel empathy and they feel entitled. Revelation to me. I mean how can you not have empathy at all. I'm glad it gets better and I am a lot better I’m not thinking about harming myself and I’m trying to do positive things. I’m back at work 😩😩😩 lol I’m sort of able to focus and do 40% of my job now. I’m focusing on spreading kindness and making someone’s day a little better. You never know what others are going through by appearances hey look at me who would know the lifetime of loss grief and abuse I’ve suffered by looking at me. I have a beautiful home in a good suburb a great job a loving husband. But totally broken

It’s good to know I’m not alone and all this is to be expected I read the replies and really take it in. It’s comforting and each person has a slightly different perspective but very similar reactions. Imagine how bad it was before they recognised ptsd as an illness and I feel so relieved that they now know CPTSD and I can understand me a bit better.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I only found out I had PTSD, depression and anxiety later on and frankly it was a relief, up until then my actions seemed to simply be my failings, not recognizable symptoms, I guess it might be the same for you.

I can understand you wanting things now, waiting is one of the hardest things to do. Uncertainty is something else, there is (at least for me there is) a comfort in predictability, and planning.

I'm glad you are talking in terms of a physical checkup, I was worried about those physical symptoms, again if it was me I'd certainly want them to be treated.

No, some people have no empathy at all, it is all about them and no others. Unfortunatly lack of empathy does not mean lack of understanding, and many are very good at pushing buttons to get the reactions they want. Then again others are just plain cruel.

Fortunately they are very much a minority and hopefully al that is now all behind you, even if you still have to cope wiht the aftermath.

As for hope, as I've probably said endlessly, If I can go from a suicidal wreck to a stable and happy person, able to maintain a relationship, and gain satisfaction from work, then I'd imagine most others can get there too, though it takes a fair while, kind circumstances and competent help.

Try not to fall into the trap of judging yourself as if you were a well person, rather than someone who has been badly injured, you deserve to have a lot of slack given to you.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes I am starting to understand I am broken and injured is a great way to explain it. Not just from recent events but from an accumulation.
My inability to see through others lies and nonsense a real problem for me.
I just found out my son is suffering the full extent of his actions and in the worst way. He is isolated from nearly everyone he loved. I hoped he wouldn’t suffer so badly and I still love him. I never want to see him and I’m devastated and his actions and words broke me and smashed my emotions and mind. I need to be away from all of the difficult people but doesn’t stop me from grieving the loss.
I don’t have hatred because the people that hurt me were all family and I loved them. For my sanity I have to have no contact with them but sometimes I think I wish this or wish that etc.

I’m starting to understand I’m on a road to recovery that may be looong. I was trying to find a quick fix or a magic wand.

long day of work today to keep me busy. 2 cries so far today.
😢

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris,

I'd have to disagree about broken -you would not be here now if that was the case, injured certainly.

Mind you if you want to use the word broken then think of Kintsugi, the art of using gold seams to repair broken pottery of value. Not only does the repaired object look far more interesting and ascetically pleasing than before, it is also stronger. In fact the the American Psychological Association said that “Post-traumatic growth is like kintsugi for the mind”

The ability to see though lies and nonsense is rare at the best of times, even having been a policeman I can be fooled, please do not expect to much of yourself, instead look to others to prove long term they are genuine.

Not hating is a mark of your greatness of heart, and I wish I could attain that standard. While recovery can be a long journey it does not mean all that time is unpleasant or bad. Far from it, happiness is there at the most surprising times.

OK, 2 cries, please accept 3 virtual tissues (one spare just in case:)

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

i wrote a post and last night and lost it somehow. Lol

Croix yes injured does represent me better now but there was a time I was in pieces. I’m aware of Japanese sewing art of visible stitches and they bring material together with strong visible top stitches. I have a friend obsessed with it and I donated antique table cloths and lace and it was stitched together with denim and wool to make one of a kind creations. The golden thread sounds encouraging

Thank you for your inspirational posts and also Wolf and mmmekitty and many others. I hear and feel the emotions and the links that also bind us in our journey.
Off to gym for upper body workout and a bottle of water and protein shake and work.
It’s gloomy and raining and work is in crisis and I’m trying to just think small. One task at a time.
I had terrible news but also had some good news yesterday. I’m resisting my urge to help or protect others.
Croix thank you for the 3 tissues and I got to 3 cries so well used.
My dog has figured out I’m stopping crying and he can back off when I blow my nose. Lol. Funny dog they can be so funny. He won’t go back to his bed till my nose is well blown and all tears wiped away. I say I’m ok go away lie down nope he won’t move from me he motions to the tissues and makes blowing nose noises. Hilarious my hubby saw it and he laughed and said that dogs a weirdo. ☺️☺️☺️😊

I love my weirdo dog.