I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

i think he finds it a bit confronting and we actually had our first full on argument last night. His passive aggressive sideswipes were the topic. He feels angry with me although he says he doesn’t but I can see it and hear it. He also feels a lot of guilt that he was the catalyst for the terrible behaviour of my son. It was actually a good argument we had a resolution and both decided we need to forgive ourselves and get more help with our emotions. We have exchanged a couple of lovely texts of support and love since then. He disagrees with what the psychologist said about us making contact with our grandchildren and he says it will put me in danger and he is worried about further issues. He feels that it’s ok for her to say a narcissist can be triggered by anything and it won’t matter what I do. My HB says that’s bull and she’s living in lala land. So instead of saying it’s not ok for him and telling me he needs me to not do it he got bitchy.
Christmas is soon and it’s going to be tough. I’m not ok and very vulnerable and I get very confused and keep stressing and worrying. I also have other Children who are healthy and I’m worried about them and I sent them presents and they rang me and said thank you but you don’t need to buy anything we love you. We won’t be able to be together at Christmas they have other obligations and travel restrictions and work Hopefully I can go see them or pretend it’s not Christmas and wake up in January.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes I will put on my social face and have a good time there’s no obligation for honesty. Thank you mmmekitty.
I over complicate and I still feel guilty for having a good time. When I laugh I catch myself and feel I should not laugh I’m not happy. I’m sad and suffering loss as well as everything else that CPTSD has to offer me.
I read about all these other therapies for trauma that don’t involve just sitting and talking.
im not on any antidepressants now they were not working and I couldn’t get out of bed. I came off them very slowly and with my drs help and I take a handful of vitamins my dr prescribed and I take melatonin at night. I’m allergic to most drugs so it limits my options for drugs. I think I will try and find someone that is working with the new types of treatment for trauma. Talking about it brings it back for me and she asked about my early trauma and I have been really stressed and trapped in my head since then. Anyway I have to start working so that will get me out of my head and stop me remembering.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

I like mmMeKitty's last couple of posts and think them very sensible, particularly about wearing a mask as the interaction is not meant to be therapeutic. I'd quite agree, as you already know

To receive that message:

"they rang me and said thank you but you don’t need to buy anything we love you"

Is a truly great thing and shows not only their loving and generous nature, but point to the fact they have you in them, and you brought them up - with success in the important values. That accomplishment all by itself is more than enough justification to have a good time

As for that argument, I've never been in a relationship that was argument free, though I have to admit it is more due to the wisdom and forbearance of my partners they pass easily. Now you have some sensible and loving texts, progress.

As for the subject of the disagreement, seeing your grand-kids, I guess ultimately it is your decision, based (I hope) on an accurate self-assessment of your ability to handle any unpleasantness that may come up as a result. Contingency plans in place.

I've found work is a pretty good way to drive unwanted thoughts out, or so I've found anyway. If your psych is emphasizing things that upset you too much please discuss it with her.

Apart from an early abortive attempt by a psych to raise past events, which had quite bad effects on me, it has wihtout exception been me that volunteered the information to later psychs, which of course was at my pace (or when eventually I remembered them, often they had been blocked). Much easier to deal with, though I will emphasize what works for me may not work for others.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Mum Chris & Croix.

Of-course, I agree, Croix, it is far better to work with someone who does not push you faster & deeper into your feelings & memories than you are yet able to cope with. My PDr does not make demand that I talk about any particular subject. If I do, he accepts that's what is on my mind & we allow these things to be talked about, sometimes with those messy tears & snot. I hate those day, so very exhausting. With having some experience though, I cope with them much better than I used to.

It was just that my feelings & memories were so out of my control & running wild. No matter how much I wanted, I could not shove them back into my brain's little, doorless room with the shelves, where I used to store this crap in imaginary rubbish bags... I wonder why I ever stored them? Why didn't I imagine dumping them in rubbish skips & having them hauled away? I wish I had thought of that decades ago. That would have been so good!

But, gripe & grumble, if I think I have shoved something back, it gets out again. They keep doing that! Maybe I need a nicer room? I don't know. Maybe treat them like they are beings I live with, instead of ugly junk?

Now, there's a thought.

Be kind to yourselves,

& Mum Chris, I hope you can spend some happy time with the grandkids.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

yes I agree it was more my running thoughts that got me talking and suddenly it was over.
im angry now and alone people around me fall short and I have no patience.
im ready to set off a blast and destroy it all but I made plans for tomorrow.
im disappointed by people around me and myself
I made concessions and forgave things I should not have but. Whatever.
oh my that that who does not exist. How did I get myself here. My whole life and I’m totally alone. I do have a daughter that loves me and I totally love her I do have family interstate that love me. I’m never going to get over some loss. I’m super angry. Maybe this is just a stage of the trauma but. Ffs. I’m not ok for regular consumption. I hate them all. So many crap people. How do I navigate

im crying and I thought I was over that. Sorry for the downer. I will be ok but why are there so much stress.

[mmMekitty]

Hey Mum Chris,

Sort of glad I am still up, so tired, so if I am not making as much sense as I think I am, please be forgiving.

Oh, boy,y ou sure is angry I hear you well. I hear you crying your frustration & have a box of virtual tissues for you

It's all humans! Lumpy, bumpy imperfect humans. & the road we're on is also lumpy & has potholes too, many twists & turns, potential hazards too. & I just thought, I might enjoy the scenery, if I could take it all in as we speed on through, but I 'm not at all sure I would live out in that wilderness.

I'd need many skills to do that.

Why do we want & expect people to be more than what or who they are? Just 'cause we are all different I guess. We stress when our needs are not met, when people disappoint us. There is pain in that disappointment & when needs are not met. That is a stress on body & mind.

More People stuff, I'm afraid.

I think I'm beginning to understand that. It still hurts, still gets me really frustrated & cranky, but having this rationale helps me deal, & not be devastated & thinking my overwhelming feelings are not all a result of my faults & failings.

Would you tell me, what do you do with all this much anger? I've had this question so long. I'm thinking of starting up a thread, but not sure where to put it. I'm going to have to ask, I think.

I hope you have been able to settle while I've been writing, & have taken yourself to bed, & are beginning to get some much needed sleep,& will read in the (later) morning.

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris (and mmMeKitty)~

mmMeKitty: I'd suggest Depression, Anxiety or probably Staying Well which specificaly includes "coping with difficult emotions and thoughts", though those others do too.

Mum Chris: Ok, you are very angry, and anger does seem to have a life of its own. Other people can cause it by not being what you want, by being thoughtless, by being downright toxic. As mmMeKitty says they are always going to be htere, if you get rid of them more will pop up, that's life I guess.

I've personally been highly angry with myself too, for getting in impossible situations, by being weaker than I should, by acceding to others when I should not have, by making rash decisions.

On the other hand I've people that do love me and try. I've an excellent medical team too.

So how do you balnce all this?

First off I remember that my anger is for me a sign of my inability to cope. I recall going far overboard with a senior officer (simply not done) over a trivial shift change - something I'd have easily dealt with in the past. It simply seemed at the time to be an action by the officer that was totally unreasonable and impossible to comply with.

My PTSD etc had warped my judgment and not allowed me to cope with this minor matter- leading to unreasoning and vehement ire.

Now years later I'm back to being a gentle person who rarely gives vent.

I know you cannot wait for the passage of years to help, so what do you think might be a way of hastening the damping down of anger -and at the same time feeling better about yourself?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Guys

The intensity of my unleashed emotions is difficult. In the moment so intense. I put myself out there and arranged a meetup last weekend and it went so well. I have a friend I didn’t know I had a we talked for nearly 2 hours. It was so heartwarming to know she is here and feels and understands what I’m going through. We have similar pressure and loss and grief.
We will meet up every couple of weeks and now a couple of more people want to join. We talked about going to a park and finding a big tree to make it a special event.
on Monday I lost a family member and I can’t travel to the funeral and I’ve been quite upset that I can’t be there to help out. I can’t risk getting stuck there because I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but my mum’s in late stage dementia and I’m her care contact and I’ve just had to prearrange her funeral as I have ordered she not have life extending treatment and her next illness there are to let her go. Not a great year really.
The psychologist said I’m the appropriate amount of upset or distressed and what I’m going through is normal for everything that’s happening and I think that set me off into anger and more despair. I don’t want to get over this and let the stress pass I want to be better and stronger. Like you say anger at myself for not speaking up or allowing myself to be mistreated.
I also listened about treating someone as a friend when they were behaving like an acquaintance. Spot on and it made me look at why and my part in it. I opened up to a person I’d cut off and we have reconnected. I’m seeing that my fight or flight is on overdrive

im also exhausted not getting a good sleep. Maybe I should book into a hotel and see if it’s better. The blind was moving last night and I tried to stop it but other windows were rattling. I’m not eating well or exercising either being unable to attend the funeral is upsetting too.
Thanks mmmekitty and Croix for your thoughtful reply

im back at work 😭😭😭 It’s good to be needed but I’d love to stay home forever

[Croix]

Dear Mum Chris~

To find that person to talk frankly with and be understood is pretty good, if you can in some way support each other that's great. May I suggest, from my own experiences, that if you can introduce a little lightness, even humor when meeting up then it can help both of you.

I tended when really down to keep on repeating the same things endlessly, and this was wearing, I knew this but seemed unable to stop. Then I tried to store up other thngs to say in between vents and it did make a difference.

Not being able to go to the funeral is horrible on several levels, not just not helping. I'm sorry it happened.

With you mother I remember you saying you played dolls wiht her, something you can still share. I know the gradual decent into dementia is heartbreaking as the person you know and loved and was a large part of your life disappears, leavng someone who is different and at least for me, presented a problem how to interact.

I think you are wise wiht your instructions.

It's all pressure, and of course you do react. I have to disagree with you abut bandaging the current problems not leading you forward, I simply do not believe that is the case. For me life is a matter of coping with symptoms, triggers, reactions and so on. Each bandage in my life has helped and given me more coping mechanisms and more success.

As an aside I had a young apple tree in the chook pen, and it got ring-barked. All I had was a long crepe surgical bandage which I wound thoroughly all the way around umpteen times and covered in roofing tar. 30+ years later the tree thrives (you can still see the scar). The chooks are long gone.

I think I remember you started at a gym or exercise regime, that and eating sensibly, even when I have felt I cannot be bothered has been good for me and takes on a life of its own, even reducing hyper-alert behavior and sometimes assisting sleep.

Due to physical limitations I can't exercise that much, but do what I can, listening to podcasts at the same time.

I do hope your return to work goes well

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes a good point about keeping it light and supporting each other. I’m trying to make it a every 2nd week get together and we opened it to others and 2 or 3 others have said they’d love to meet up too. I am also trying to keep conversations very light with the friend I reconnected with after cutting her off last year. She’s wanting to dig deep and fix what went wrong so it doesn’t happen again but I’m too vulnerable and I cry. Which makes her cry so I asked her to just let it go.
Funeral tomorrow and call with psychologist I’m going to ask for half day work from home and half day off.
Mums baby doll has gone missing and a doll that didn’t speak and was old and dirty left in its place. I’m very upset and it’s not in her locked wing so someone has carried it out to either other wards or taken it home. I’m going to call today and ask them to find it. She loved the talking doll it talked when you removed dummy or bottle I’m aware of not overreacting and giving them time to find it.
😀 hope you’re all having a good day