I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️,

I'm sorry you can't get to see your grandkids as you would like, because it's good for them to see you, too.

& to have to wear all the PPE, & not be recognised, not to ;hug, or anything.. There is such a sense of distance & being unable to bridge the gap. She couldn't see you properly or hear your voice clearly, & from what you say, you couldn't even hold her hand. That must have been so difficult.

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I'm a little worried you will over-extend yourself with the exercise. Please, try to take care to not over-do it, when you get the exercise equipment. I'm sure it's tempting, wanting to be rid of the boot & never having to use crutches. The one thing a Gym does offer is someone to monitor & guide us in how to exercise & not cause harm in the process.

Wonder what happened to the idea of outdoor gyms? Maybe under a marquee, in case of rain? Lots of air circulating then anyway.

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Would it be possible that hubby would work alongside you & get the kitchen tieied, talking while you do? I have found it is more difficult to do it on my own when the mess has been left for even a couple days (& it's only one person's mess), but when I have someone there, & we do together it is much easier. Now I try to keep up, mostly because I enjoy some counter space. But I will some some when my helper arrives anyway. Totally left to do it myself , & it ould quickly become overwhelming.

May I ask, why did you cancel your home help?

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I'm glad you & hubby have been talking more, & both of you are beginning to understand - each other, I hope - wanting change & willing to work towards better lives.

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❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️, more so you can share with hubby

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

No real danger of me overdoing the exercise. The real danger is thinking about it and not doing it. I saw physio and he has given a heap of foot stretches and strength exercises to do. I was only going to do some bicep curls and a couple of arm exercises while sitting but he said add the feet work. My natural inclination is to sit and put my foot up. He says do that and ice my foot but twice or 3 times a day exercise and stretch my feet. Blah

After physio I took myself to lunch at outdoor cafe and went to supermarket. I’m exhausted and in a bit of pain after my big day out.

Feel happier now

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Did you get what you wanted at the supermarket?

I bet it was nice at the café. 😸

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I got a couple of things it was a very brief visit to supermarket. I had banana and bacon pancakes with ice cream. I needed a nap after that carbo load.

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I have happy place exercise to do and after I had breakfast out. This time a healthy meal. Psychologist is not to worried about me being hyper vigilant and said it’s to be expected. He said I chose the same chair that police officers choose that he treats. Furthest away in the corner and facing the door. It was a revelation, I do that all time. He said it’s not an issue and it’s because I’ve learned to be prepared for danger. Where I sit to watch tv at home I can see the front and back of the house and hear the sounds inside and outside the house. I knew emotionally I was suffering but I didn’t really understand that it is part of everything I do. Psychologist said that we will look at all of my triggers and then the exercises will help me to feel safe.
I took a sedative when I got home and slept I was exhausted I had a pain in my head just tension not a normal headache just tense. I only took a half dose but I slept so I must have needed that it normally just relaxes me not put me to sleep. I also had an other drama going on this week that I was trying to detach from.
Really I’m 100% better than I was, I’m not a walking lump of agony and fear and sadness. I still have all those feelings but I have long moments of happiness.
I cleaned kitchen and have cooked a couple of meals.

mmMekitty, You asked why I let my extra help at home go, well I cut back to fortnightly because I’m off crutches and I can drive now. I need to do more movement and I have physiotherapist to help me walk. My out of pocket medical bills are scary expensive and I needed to cut back.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Thanks for replying to my question. Practical considerations are valid reasons. I was thinking you were wanting more independence, not becoming too reliant upon them. That could be me, though, because I don't want people around all the time. I think if that was the case, I'd feel too uncomfortable, just having someone there, or 'giving in' & letting them do more than is necessary, rather than speak up &, insist on where the boundaries are.

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I have heard of that, where police sit at the back, & can see everything around them...maybe in a book or two, or tele, or something on radio, I can't remember. I had prefered to sit, not in the middle, at least, but at the side, but primarily, I prefer quiet places. Not possible anymore, whenever I do go out.

It hasn't been a big issue, for me, & now seems pointless, if I was to try to be aware of everyone around me; can't see that much anymore.

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I'd like to hear about your Happy Place, & the exercises. I suspect my Happy Place would have to be mostly a place of my imagination, & including Mekitty. Having her near me made me feel so happy, so many times.

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I have had many sessions with my PDr which are exhausting, & I think, a little break, through having a snooze, does have the effect of distancing myself from the intense sessions. I almost feel like it's another day when I wake up.

The fact of taking half an hour to get home after seeing him at his rooms, also gave me the feeling that the sessions were seperate parts of tose days. I often felt myself 'closing up' when it was time to leave. It's not the same having the telehealth sessions. I have substituted the time taken to pay him via online banking, for the taxi ride home. I pay him more quickly, is all.

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Yesterday I had a yummy omelette with tomato, spinach, ham & cheese. They put thick well-buttered & grilled bread, more greens (with vinaigrette) & a savoury tomato sauce on the side. The omelette itself would have been enough, but bread was too yummy! I also had an iced coffee, which I hadn't had for a long time, but I thought I had ordered the regular, & what i had seemed very large.

Noisy place, but I needed to eat something, & to sit a while, too, before going on. Got some shopping done, too. 😸

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I thought of you when he was discussing my personal quirks. I was thinking you may be very aware of noises and keeping people away as a safety reflex. I was thinking that I’d possibly not cope at all and how calm you are moving through your life. I also check our cameras around our house all the time I have an app on my phone. He asked if it calmed me or made me more anxious and I said both I feel calmer being able to see no one’s there and I feel anxious because I need to check them all the time. I’m super locked door aware and noise aware.
Yesterday I sat on veranda and had a coffee on my own. I was going to do that twice a day when I’m home alone but I only did it once but I did go outside to garage and the bin.
I scared a friend she was messaging me and I didn’t respond for 2 days and she was sending jokes and asking me questions. I was in the middle of a period of danger well potential danger and I had left the house and gone to family so I could feel safe. I was focused on other things. I apologised and she understood. I didn’t even look at the messages till after we spoke the jokes were funny

The happy and safe place exercises are first with controlled breathing for a minute or two till I am starting to relax Then I can visualise anything anywhere it can be my bedroom or beach or countryside or a great memory but I have to feel comfortable and safe and happy I had a vision of one place but I realised it wasn’t the best for me so halfway I changed it to another place I was fit and healthy then and I wasn’t scared and I also have a picture of that particular time so I went there. For some reason my eyes watered a bit not really tears but a bit of emotion I was happy there and I want to be like that again That’s not really the purpose of it I’m not supposed to be emotional I’m supposed to be calm. I have to practice it often so it’s easy he suggested some relaxation music. Once I’m good at it the plan is I can do it whenever I feel anxious and I’m spiralling into my own personal hell. The goal is to turn off my sympathetic adrenal system that is pinging out of control. I was on medication for that but I stopped them and have been trying to regulate that myself and it’s really hard. My breathing gets short and my stomach gets sick and I get clammy blood pressure spikes and mentally I panic and have to act and fix whatever has triggered me. It can be something very trivial too not a life or death situation.

MC

[therising]

Hi Mum Chris

It sounds like you're gradually coming to know yourself on a deeper level. Your psych sounds great, very conscious and thoughtful. Personally, I've found surrounding myself with a circle of reliable 'go to' people to be key. Sounds like your psych is a good and solid circle member for you.

It's interesting how, as we gradually come to know our self and how we work, we can really learn how we tick on so many levels. For example, all those years where I believed imagination was the stuff of kids, this belief stopped me from understanding imagination on a different level. Imagination is basically home to imagery. On top of that, whatever I imagine has the power to conjure up feelings. If the imagery is based on the past (memory based), I will feel the past. If the imagery is based on the future, I will feel the plans I imagine for the future (good or bad). To add to this, if what I imagine is heartbreaking in some way, I will feel heartbreak. You know that feeling you get in your chest when it comes to serious heartbreak. To feel heartbreak so often is, as experts say, not good for the heart, physically. It is about heart dis-ease/unease. Long term emotional dis-ease has an impact physically, on so many different parts of the body. Science and research has proven this to be the case...

Maybe this is one of the reasons why mental health professionals lead people to try and re-frame trauma, so that they're not feeling it the same way. To reframe by taking someone from feeling victimised to feeling what it's like to be an incredibly strong yet sometimes exhuasted survivor, surviving another person's faults and weaknesses, would be mind altering and life changing in some way.

I'm so glad to hear you're making progress, especially with your husband who you'd need as one of your guides for your circle. When our partner's not on board they can actually be misguiding in a number of ways. I've felt this with my husband at times and it can feel somewhat depressing on occasion. Feeling or sensing 'misguidance' is not our fault, it points to our ability. You could say it's like having a natural GPS, telling us we're off track.

Also hard is feeling inspiration or motivation when you've barely got enough energy to feel your own body. Glad you're making progress in the way of gaining energy. Personal evolution can feel like it's moving at a snail's pace before it come to pick up speed. Hope you begin to feel things moving faster, in a positive direction 🙂

[Mum Chris]

Hi therising

Thank you for the post it was very clear and helpful.
Yes the damage to my body is real my emotions have been putting me in physical disadvantage and the strain on my heart and blood pressure is real. The was I digest food and even my lung health. I was feeling like there was no hope and it was out of control and I was taking medication 3 times a day just to stop the rapid pulse and impending danger feelings.
Just to have a feeling of hope for the future is a great thing. The hugs amount of grief I feel is simmering under the surface and I’m very sad and very disappointed. I’m just starting to feel anger but I think anger is a base emotion and often just masks hurt so I’m not giving it air.
Im trying to untie the invisible chains that are wrapped around me holding me back and pulling me down. I can really feel them now that no one else is holding me down. I’ve learnt to be small to stay safe and I’ve harmed myself by not looking after myself.
My current goal is daily exercise and good nutrition. Doesn’t sound hard but I’m struggling with it. My husband booked us a holiday months ago for later this year and he said something to look forward too and to focus on and make me happy. I’m just trying to do today and tonight and next minute but I see his point.
This happy place exercise is just the first step he said there will be more things to learn to give me a tool box of things to help me.
MC

[therising]

HI Mum Chris

The holiday is very thoughtful of your husband. I imagine as the days pass and it moves nearer you'll feel the excitement begin to build. Perhaps too far away to feel the excitement at the moment.

Can understand the challenge with exercise and nutrition. I think this is one of the reasons people with plenty of money employ a personal trainer and food prepper/live in cook. They either don't have the time or the motivation or perhaps both. Imagine that, someone showing up at your door saying 'Okay, I'm here to motivate you. C'mon, let's start with some stretches then we'll work up to a walk around the block'. Next dude knocks on the door, 'Now, I'm here to guide you through the day and serve you when it comes to what you need in way of diet and nutrition. You don't have to worry about a thing, I've got it covered'. Hard to do all this stuff yourself. Takes energy, the right mindset and the right amount of motivation. I suppose it begins with solid structuring. Without structure, can feel like your living a life on quicksand to some degree.

With the anger and grief factors, I've found they're always present for good reason, telling me something significant. I've found while they can be very telling, they can feel intolerable in the lead up to fully understanding what they're trying to tell me. Whether we're grieving over the loss of someone we love or grieving over a lost sense of self, it can be deeply depressing. Regarding the anger side of things, was having a discussion with 16yo son just the other day about the significance of anger. There are certain terms which I've come to see as 'umbrella' terms. Whether it be 'tired', which covers a lack of energy based on a number of possible factors or pure exhaustion that comes from a draining level of mental and/or physical energy, 'tired' is general term. Anger's the same, a general term, as it covers so many specific feelings. Anger describes the extreme or high level feelings that come with intolerance, frustration, resentment etc. You can feel low level intolerance, frustration, resentment or disappointment etc and not feel anger at all but the second the volume on any of those is turned up, you can definitely feel anger. Whether the volume relates to the amount of intolerance or whether it relates to how loud the internal dialogue's become, I think we've all got a volume indicator that tells us we're dealing with more than we perhaps realise. 'Why is the volume so loud?' becomes the question.

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

If anger is a mask over your hurt feelings, why not give those hurt feelings a voice? Can you put those feelings into words?

I think words like Anger, Grief, Fear, & more, are each a pile of emotions. The word we ;use is as a short-hand for many feelings. When I look at what I say to describe my feelings, I feel very clumsy, & so I should, because we are using solid word, to describe fuzzy-boundaried feelings. I feel the words are often so inadequate.

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I struggle with the exercise & maintaining healthy eating habits. There are reasons I could list, but most of them I think relate to my shaky resolve to care more for myself, & to believe I am worth this much care & consideration.

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I have notice that when I am listening to quiet, slow music, my body, of its own accord, begins to slow & I then feel calm.

You already have things in your toolkit. Your own remarkable resilience for one, for one. I'm sure you'll identify more things in there.😺 You are going to have a big toolkit, so, maybe you want compartments in there?

Hopefulness for the future - I like that one. 😸 That would be good to hang onto. Bringing it into the 'near future', could work even better.

mmMekitty