I am back

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am starting back on treatment for ComlexPTSD. I thought last year was bad but this year just got worse. I was dealing with a child that was agressive and intimidated and scared me so much. My husband wanted him out of the house but I refused to do it. A mum doesn't turn her back on her children. Well I couldn't fix it and the Police got involved and it was so bad so so bad. I feel like I failed everyone and now i am dealing with the loss and grief involved with untreated mental illness and my child refused to go to a facility so was locked up in jail and may go to prison for a long time.The sadness got so bad I ended up in hospital and I speak to a counsellor and will see a trauma specialist soon. I wanted to go to emergnecy and just get into hospital for mental health treatment but I work and my husband doesn't want to be left alone. I still might but i am trying to get outpatient care set up so I can get free from this sadness. I have all the classic PTSD triggers, loud noises, intrusive thoughts bad sleep nightmares and physically i am not doing great. I am down a dark invisible hole and people around me can't see it and when i try to explain it i cry and can't talk. That's one of the things that happened to me when the initmidation got very scary i lost my voice i would lan to spewak up and say NO but I just stuttered and fumbled and froze. I can't believe i was ready to leave my husband so I didn't have to face standing up to my son. This is how I feel - I had 1 job and that was to raise a healthy happy child and I failed.
I have enrolled in a physical rehab to get some fitness back and I watch funny shows to get my laughter back. My counsellor said yesterday to pick my grief up off my pillow and stick it in a cupboard and shut the door and say not today Grief you can just stay there today I am going to be free of you. She also says he had choices to make and he chose to act that way and to do those things
I am really not that great and I am pretending to be OK. I smile at people and sort am able to work but i can't wash a dish or cook a meal its a huge task now.

Anyone sorry for the downer I am just trying to be honest.

[Croix]

DEAR MC~

No, they probably will not realise how much it cost you to provide the presents, treats and all, however they will know you love them and you will know the cost -and the victory. It was not a baby step, it was a stride in the right direction. In your shoes I"d find that most encouraging and something to remember in tougher times.

Trying to deal with people who do not wear masks is hard, and also I find it rather hard not to get cross at times. Frankly I doubt that most of those without then have a medical exemption, they are simply thoughtless. I avoid as many as a I can, deliberately shopping at unpopular times. Fortunately I do not have to take public transport.

Flippers crossed your foot has healed.

Is there anything you might do to assist your husband if he is distraught? I don't know how easy it would be for the two of you but talk might do some good. It's (as you would know) very easy to feel isolated, even with others around. Is he really locked into that particular job?

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Oh just lost a huge post maybe not fingers crossed

[Croix]

Sadly vanished into the ether 😥

-C

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix and mmMekitty and anyone else in BB land,

I too vanished into the ether, big week lots of visitors and drs appointments.
Psychologist 2nd visit and I felt like I wasted it. He’s going to be a little more goal oriented and he’s said he will set up a plan for each visit. I just cry and ramble on so this is his plan. I’m going to be given exercises well mental ones to practice. I told him I have no energy and no motivation and everything is a huge insurmountable chore. I know the broken foot crutches and pain is adding to my struggle but mostly I can’t cope with dishes laundry showering etc. I’m exhausted. He said that to be expected and explained why. I do think he’s the right psychologist for me he’s good at rangling me back to the now.
Good news giant moon boot gone and I’m in a painful ankle brace and will start physio and back to surgeon in 6 weeks but she said healing well. 😁😁😁😁😁😁 I will get used to the brace and I can go in the pool and walk in the water just not any side to side movement.
Im not sleeping very well again and last night put on meditation tape and that worked.

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hello MC,

Great to los the 'moon boot', although you now have the brace. I hope it won't be for too long.

Second visit to the new Psychologist; no, I dont' think you wasted it. You were able talk & tell him how you feel, & he sees how you are, too, as you talk. If they don't see us where we're at when we go to our sessions, how will they know what to offer?

I was so slow to open up, & I am not really sure what the Psychiatrists I've seen made of me. I still have a strong impulse to hide everything, even though it's not possible anymore. So, now, I'm sure my current PDr hears (still via the phone) when I am not being forthcoming. It takes me so long to get a few sentences out about something I'm thinking or feeling I wonder if I'm wasting the session, & that makes me try harder. 😸

Wishing you well, as always, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC (with a wave to MK)~

Nice to have you back again (wihtout moon-boot). I take it you are still on two crutches full time for now? I think if you can go swimming that will be excellent. I can manage it sometimes and always come out exhausted, in pain but happier.

I hope you visitors were all cheerful and gave you a lift and you did not stress to much about inconsequentials like food and housework

Your psych sounds OK, and maybe the plan is to glean a little each time you spend a sessions with him overwrought. Exercises will be ok, they - at least for me- did not require the same motivation as physical things

I think MK is right, you have to demonstrate how you are, gives them a clearer picture and a goal to aim for.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

No crutches at home I am a tough cookie. Pain is not a restriction for me I’m old school walk it off.
I have so many long term injuries because I don’t stop. Broken hands and feet and scars. I never looked after me. This time I insisted I needed the doctor and he said I needed an ambulance and then 6 days in hospital. Hospital was awful and I didn’t cope well. I demanded to get out and get home. I was ok at home with some help.
I do need to adjust my interpretation of pain. I have a lot of physical and emotional pain and I tend to downplay it. I broke my foot and drove home when I couldn’t walk. I suffer through and I think this is part of my illlness.
new for me is I am not ok. Old for me is I’m ok. That’s a lie. I hurt inside and out. People around me don’t know the real me.
Till now.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Covering up, hiding, minimising, denying may seem what is necessary to get by, or else the worst seems all too possible. I've spend much of my life doing that too. I never imagined anyone would care, that I could ask for help, that I was worthy either. If I was to survive it would only be because I was 'in control'. Wasn't much of a life, though, pretending everything was okay, that nothing was bothering, while inside I was in a constant struggle to keep what I really felt from showing, not even to me.

I'm now able to see how much for how long, & I don't wonder I can get from one day to the next now, b;ut how did I manage what I used to do then!?

Painful as it is, it is much easier to not fight, & allow myself to see & feel & even be triggered, & look at that, then to put in a mammonth effort to push it all away again. My acknowledgement of my past & accepting that I feel what I feel, have been the most important things I've learned in the last, almost, 30 years.

If we were to insist on lying to ourselves, we're not going to get anywhere. Indeed, lying to ourselves is insulting to ourselves, it dishonours us, it denies our truth & for our voice to be heard.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ for MC, Crois, & anyone who needs some kindness & care.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

oh well no sleep again and I think I need to go back to my moon boot. The pain is a lot or I need to use crutches. I’m making the appointment for the physio in the morning

Not sleeping is not great. I’m exhausted and not functioning

mmMekitty very emotive and revealing and it takes a lot of courage and self awareness to see oneself so plainly. I’m not sure if truly understand how messed up I am. I’m unsure of a lot I got back from my personal hell to here by trying to focus outwardly and doing fundamentals like eat sleep be nice get exercise now I’m stuck

I think I need to go on sick leave but I can’t I’ve used all my brownie points and I need to work or quit. I can’t quit I need the income

I need to sleep and to use my crutches more and save foot for fun things. I’m allowed to swim as long as careful. Well I’m allowed to walk in the pool no kicking etc. When I hurt my foot it was like now people can see I’m broken and stop pushing me to get on with life. Now I’m pushing me to get on with life.
hopefully this is good night I’m going to give sleep another try

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I haven’t posted for a while. I see physio to get help walking and with the pain. Still in boot 70% of the time and I can walk without crutches.

I took medication to sleep and I’m groggy and so lethargic but I do feel better. I was stepping over the edge from no sleep.

I canceled my extra home help and my kitchen is a mess. I have no motivation to clean up I will but I don’t have the motivation. I have cooked and I’m working from home but it seems like a giant mountain and too hard. Im trapped and feel wrapped up and unable to do anything. I don’t leave the house even to go to the yard. I only attend drs appointments. I’ve ordered some home gym supplies so I can exercise at home. I don’t feel safe at the gym as it’s very small and no one wears a mask because you can’t, most of the people are older or have disabilities like me.
My mums struggling in the nursing home and I can’t see her and I have put her on palliative care. Just waiting on a assessment of her but maybe that can’t happen due to Covid. I saw her about 10 days ago but in full ppe and she didn’t know who I was and I was in the way. A carer was massaging her sore side and then she slept and I just sat there.
Psychologist on Thursday and I’m trying to see grandkids again but not getting much response. I have to relax and be patient because of the situation. I’d feel more comfortable with a schedule but I’d have to go to court for that and risk the relationships I have built up.

This morning I got a bit teary so I deep breathed and and relaxed and got on here. I’m working with my husband to make some changes in our life but gently. He has had a tough time and I want more for us as individuals. He’s very similar to me and hates confrontation but he’s been miserable in his job and with our troubles. I helped him write his CV and he has an interview. He’s been doing the same as me withdrawing from life and avoiding drama. He’s mentally strong and doesn’t take on blame but he’s lived through what I lived through but had not had childhood trauma or suffered abuse. It was hard for him to understand why I respond as I do and he was angry with me but he’s over that now. He couldn’t understand and recently he said so you did that because this had happened to you and I said yes. He said oh that makes sense. It was so nice to have him understand a small part of the why. I’m only just starting to understand why I do what I do and what I can cope with.
Have a calm day all.

MC