Dear Scared and wave to melodica,
It is a great idea to have a person to sit with, such as Mother Mary, who feels safe and patient and kind. You know that you always have that resource/comfort/support, whatever happens. A song that has always moved me to tears every time I've heard it since a young child, is Let it Be by the Beatles. There is the reference to Mother Mary and the wisest of words, "There will be an answer, let it be".
I think beginning to understand your past as trauma may actually be helpful, even though it may seem like yet another thing to deal with. I came to realise myself that things I experience, such as anxiety and depression, all stem from childhood trauma. Sometimes the original trauma goes for decades without being tended to while all the other stuff builds up on top of it. So you may be at a turning point in your own healing, even though it might feel like another hurdle, because you may now be identifying a key source of struggle in life.
My mother was also prone to fits of rage and terror, those words exactly describing what would emanate from her, so I relate to your experience of being in awe of others who remain calm. In fact, I was even a bit scared of calm as a child, because it was so unusual if I encountered it in others outside of the family. I really believe you can find the peace you are looking for. Like you, I just want to live out the rest of my life peacefully now. I do think that can start in this moment, just being present and being kind to ourselves.
