Husband just diagnosed with PTSD

[Kate_B]

Hi, very new to all of this. My husband has just been diagnosed with PTSD which I can see now that he has been suffering with for years. I am trying to be supportive but am sick of the verbal abuse I receive when I point out his anger outbursts. He swears at our 3 children for no reason and I can't listen to this anymore.

We just left his doctors office who had requested me to attend to work together in getting him a plan and discuss triggers. We are working on baby steps, this includes us going camping. I pointed out that this could trigger outbursts if he couldn't find his camping equipment. When we left the doctors, he fully abused me for not supporting him in his interests, to the point he questioned why we are married.

I don't know what to do, I'm always in the wrong. I am trying to look after mine and my children's wellbeing but still staying supportive to my husband.

I don't know how much more I can take......

[Kate_B]

Thanks Mark

my husbands job is the cause of his PTSD, he has left it now and is going to many different doctors but they haven't given any medication as yet.

I think he has been suffering with this illness for many years as I have done quite a bit of research about it and feel stupid nothing was picked up sooner. He has made me feel like I'm to blame for problems in our marriage to the extent I was placed on antidepressants 6 months ago.

I am determined to help him through this and am thankful I have a place to voice my feelings and concerns.

[Kazzl]

Hello Kate, welcome to beyondblue hun. I have no personal experience of PTSD so I won't comment from that perspective. I simply want to reinforce the points about looking after yourself.

If you want to support your husband in the best way possible through this you must first look after you. And I can imagine how distressing it must be for you, especially when you're concerned about the kids. Make sure you take time out to do things you enjoy - perhaps explain to your husband that that's what you're doing so you can better support him. If possible, even through your doctor, try to help him understand that his illness is a shared situation affecting the whole family - not to make him feel guilty, but to help him understand that you need to maintain your strength and wellbeing to help him. And this is not something particular to him or your family. Mental illness affects everyone around the person who is ill.

We have a carer's board on the forum, maybe take a look through that for other ideas.

Very best wishes to you

Kaz

[Doolhof]

Hi Kate,

You have received a lot of advice already. Mental health issues are not easy to deal with. Both my husband and I have multiple issues. My husband has decided he no longer needs his medication and is weaning off the tablets.

Now he is like a little negative monster strolling around the place looking at things to bite and snap at! In all of this, I need to try hard to not take his attacks to heart. When he is like this he has no idea how his actions reflect on me.

For me, I go out in the garden and pull weeds to release the frustration I feel. Hopefully you will find the balance of helping and assisting your husband while also looking after yourself and the children.

Is it possible for you to see a counsellor to learn strategies for coping and also for sharing how you are feeling?

As you may have already noticed, this forum is a great place to share, to be understood, accepted and not judged.

From Mrs. Dools

[MarkJT]

Kate, I sat on a train one day and listed all the things that were signs and symptoms of my PTSD, depression and anxiety and got to 22 and most of them where hidden in plain sight so the moral of this story is that hindsight is wonderful thing but please don'd dwell on not picking up on it earlier. I would think the vast majority of us would have missed the warning signs.

I really like what Kazzl says above about looking after yourself. As a carer, it is so important to make sure that you are as healthy as you can be. Are you able to off load the kids every now and then to give yourself some "me" time. Just some time to sit down and chill and do what you want to do.

Cornstarch: jump onto the Assistance Dogs Australia website and check out the process of getting a dog. Yes they do cost a lot of money to train but that's what the organisation is for.

[Cornstarch]

Hi Kate,

I am sorry for your husbands PTSD. It is the pits. It cannot be easy being on the other side.

I had the totally bizarre situation where I discovered one of the corner-stone alliances to PTSD which is mindfulness, quite literally a decade before I developed full-blown PTSD.

Having ten years up my sleeve of mediation practice before my anxiety disorder graduated to the highest category meant that I have only ever had one frustrating out-burst at my sister. It was a silent outburst in the sense that no words were said, but the anger rose up inside of me at a cafe this year, in seconds I saw out of the corner of my eye my bag and keys and I just bolted for the hills.

She didn't know what happened.

She's not an idiot, she knew how out of character that was and for me, and for my family it was the beginning of their grief for what has happened to their sister. I suppose it lifted their own denial and it finally felt real.

That said, just because I have only expressed it once does not mean that the energy behind it is not swimming inside of my nervous system at all times. It still comes up with the same frequency as it does for anyone with PTSD. When you have had a direct threat to life it is humanly impossible to not want to fight back and try and survive.

Mindfulness can dramatically drop the propensity to let if fly in the heat of the moment but unfortunately with PTSD you have to scuttle away after the cafe, restaurant or concert and go for a really really really long run, swim or cycle on a glorious bike, to let out the energy that you were unable to express at the time of the trauma.

With PTSD as simplistic as this sounds movement is the key. You have to move every day or you will implode.

If the only trauma he has ever experienced was during adulthood he has a great chance of recovery. There are no quick fixes to PTSD, it will be slow and long, but he can get there. Major life changes may need to be implemented for the rest of his life. That's the sadness with it.

Good luck.

[FluffyPuppy]

Hi Kate, welcome to the forum and as others have said, this is a safe and supportive place for you. It may even be something that your husband could benefit from at some point. It's great that you have a diagnosis, but I'm curious about your comment that he is seeing many different doctors. Does he have someone regular that he sees, to work with a treatment plan in the long-term? For me personally going through PTSD, anxiety and depression, it took a long time with the same Psych before I could begin to even discuss some of the things I had been through/seen/read. Medications can be hard, it did take quite a few different ones before I found something that worked for me - well, actually a combination of two. But I knew when the right combination was found, I still remember how I felt the next morning and it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, literally. O was still a long way from whole (if one ever really gets whole again), but it was absolutely my turning point.

Research is essential, and certainly helped my husband as my carer to understand what and why. I know he would appreciate what you are going through. I do know that this is not your fault, that you are not stupid for not picking it up, as no matter how much research you could have done beforehand, everybody is different.

You obviously have a lot of strength and determination, and one of the biggest things you can do that will benefit both of you is to make sure you continue to look after yourself. Even though his condition may have changed the journey for you, don't lose yourself in the process and push aside how you are doing. Seek help just for yourself if you need it, because just like its ok for him to get necessary help, you need it too.

Don't be afraid to share, we are here to help and give support. Take care x

[Am73]

Hi Kate

I'm new to this type of forum but not new to experiences like you share. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD a year ago - but like yourself i found it had only explained his years of behavior. It was a relief but i also felt angry. There was a reason for his behavior but not an excuse. The years of at best being ignored and isolated, at worst the anger and verbalizing and other behaviours he engaged in to make himself feel better. Where was the line? When was enough actually enough?

I think in hindsight it is important to help and support the PTSD sufferer but it is equally important to seek help for yourself. I felt very isolated as we moved frequently with his work and lost contact with people. My husband actively pushed me away as well as any other support that we had. I was the only one that was aware of how unwell he was and his only source of support and that was draining.

I am hoping you still have friends and family who can stand with you. It takes a community to help the two of you. I imagine your husbands behavior is not as extreme as in company - camp with friends or other family members. Go to therapy for him and for you. It is important i think for the patient to actually hear how their behavior affects you - i think it is important to point out that his anger is not helpful - he will learn coping strategies i am sure - but you have a voice my friend and for you own good continue to use it in the most calm and assertive way. Seek support for yourself. Take care of yourself - keep those dates for coffee and catch ups. Read and arm yourself with information on living with people with PTSD there are commonalities that you may find helpful. The biggest thing is to take care of you so that you are less likely to personalise your husbands condition.

It is a long journey - i hope things get easier

[mia3]

After being together for 13 years and me suggesting he see a counselor to deal with issues from his childhood for over 10 years....he finally has. He has depression and ptsd. I can totally relate with you on the mood swings and abusive behaviour. I question myself regularly on whether I should have left with the children years ago. I know that he needs support but I feel like it is at the expense of the older children and myself. My eldest son has started to isolate himself from us and I am hanging on by a thread. Why is it that it is ok for us to be treated like shit and him to say that it isn't that bad the way he speaks to us when he loses it (because he has has depression and ptsd and says he doesn't have control of what he says) but if I left I would be a terrible person for not helping him. A few good days or weeks doesn't erase all the years of insults etc.

[Guest_9809]

Hi there Am73, and welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

You have posted to an old thread and it appears that Kate B is no longer a regular member here. It's therefore unlikely that you will get a response from her. People do come and go, often getting the information they require, and then moving on.

Most new members begin by creating their own thread in the Welcome and Orientation Section of the Forums. They just tell us a little bit about themselves and their situation, and what brought them to BB. Would you like to do that? I feel sure that there are many people here who would benefit greatly from your wonderful insight into the difficulties of living with someone who suffers from PTSD. I know I can relate, as my husband was diagnosed with PTSD about 10 years ago. So I understand how difficult it is.

Please note that there is nothing wrong with contributing to existing threads, and in fact it is encouraged. However you were just unlucky to come across one which has not been used for about nine months. I would nonetheless like to thank you for your very thoughtful and helpful reply to Kate B. I hope you take note of your own very sound advice because, if you have, I expect you are coping well with your own situation.

If you dont wish to open an intro thread just yet, perhap try contributing to some of the active threads in the PTSD & Trauma or Supporting Family and Friends with a Mental Health Condition (for Carers). If you select the New Threads tab it will show all the most recent posts.

If you are seeking some company from like minded people, I'd recommend you have a look in the Social Zone threads. There are word games, a Cafe and various other fun threads. Also the Staying Well section threads are great for tips on wellness topics. Please just say hi and join in. You will be welcomed by a great bunch of other kind and supportive members.

Great to have you aboard Am73, and I hope you will enjoy and benefit from your stay with us here on BB. I hope to see you around.

Taurus

[Guest_9809]

Hi Mia3, and thankyou for posting. Welcome also to BB Forums. I do see that you have posted before, but I cannot find your other post. Perhaps you already have an intro thread?

I reiterate what I said to Am73, in that this is an older thread opened by a member who appears to have left some 9 months ago. So you may not get any responses to your post here.

If you havent already opened a thread of your own, I would suggest that you do so. You are much more likely to receive replys from other members that way. Please read the information I provided to Am73 above, as the same applies equally to you.

Good to see you here on the Forums mia3, and I hope to see you around over the coming days and weeks.

Taurus