Husband just diagnosed with PTSD

[Kate_B]

Hi, very new to all of this. My husband has just been diagnosed with PTSD which I can see now that he has been suffering with for years. I am trying to be supportive but am sick of the verbal abuse I receive when I point out his anger outbursts. He swears at our 3 children for no reason and I can't listen to this anymore.

We just left his doctors office who had requested me to attend to work together in getting him a plan and discuss triggers. We are working on baby steps, this includes us going camping. I pointed out that this could trigger outbursts if he couldn't find his camping equipment. When we left the doctors, he fully abused me for not supporting him in his interests, to the point he questioned why we are married.

I don't know what to do, I'm always in the wrong. I am trying to look after mine and my children's wellbeing but still staying supportive to my husband.

I don't know how much more I can take......

[white knight]

Hi Kate, welcome

Over many years I've come to the belief that all people with any mental illness, need a customised living plan at home.

Eg. Among my many fickle issues I have that triggers my moods is financial stress. There is a reason fir everything so in this case it was that my manic state when young saw me to be a poor money manager. My wife if 5 years decided to remove this trigger by budgeting and sorting out our finances so it isn't an issue, direct debut and the like.

So, camping. Prior to going camping a couple of hours organising the shed to locate the gear and have it ready.

Essentially prevention being better than cure.

Now I know you are having difficulty coping. But PTSD is a difficult illness to manage. Your husband isn't well.

As a family you both need to find answers for some harmony. Relationship counselling is a must IMO.

Finally, medication does work. Finding the best dosage is hard but worth the effort. Since I've found the best dosage if mood stabilisers my wife has seen a big change. Discuss medication in depth with your GP.

Tony WK

[Cornstarch]

I'm sorry beautiful white night you always give wonderful advice but I have to weigh in and disagree re: medication. Not to scare people, and not to deter people from trying, I would never want to be that arrogant, but to let them know that if it doesn't work you can still help minimise your triggers.

I'm meant to be writing, hell, lets procrastinate.

As a sufferer of PTSD we are exceptionally vulnerable to despair because we do not have an "episodic illness". We have an absolutely side-lining "random" condition in the sense you can get zero warning. Within seconds you can find yourself in a park having mini-blackouts, wandering around very confused literally back in the early 80s thinking the boogy man is the man jogging past you.

I don't know if you guys watched Four Corners with the episode of PTSD in the police force, and the father who reached the ultimate moment of despair as we shall say at a waterfall in Byron Bay, but basically it's cases like that that scare me. I don't believe in selling people rubbers. It is dangerous.

People need strategies for when chemicals don't work because unfortunately for droves and droves of people they don't.

Some people can have co-morbid illnesses such as PTSD with depression or others conditions and they find that chemical help can alleviate some symptoms. Unfortunately it is one of those things that all you can do is try. It's horrible being a testing lab with your own body but what choice do you have.

I don't want to see someone pushed to the edge "when everything fails", and with PTSD you constantly feel like you are failing with the most banal, basic living circumstances. It would be so easy to lock yourself in your bedroom forever with this condition and become a hermit.

I just wanted to avoid someone being tipped over the edge, when chemicals don't work because I am sorry to say our mental health system is such that people are often simply prescribed chemicals and sent on their merry way. Unfortunately he may have to make major life changes to cope.

Chemicals have not worked for me but I am still trying my best. This may sound overly simplistic but exercise is simply non-negotiable with PTSD. You HAVE to move and move as much as you can every single day. In laymen terms you have to honour the instinct to BOLT!

Good luck

[Cornstarch]

P.S.

My family wants to buy me a PTSD puppy to go running with me but I don't own the property that I live in.

The aristocracy will control all the property in this city hence-forth just like London, Paris, New York, Beijing.

But if you own your own property get a PTSD puppy!

[MarkJT]

Kate B, well done for reaching out for advice, takes courage to do that. Much respect.

Living with PTSD triggers is a really hard thing to do but it can be done. Learning mindfulness would be really good. The better you are at it, the better you will be at grounding yourself after you are triggered. Do you think hubby would be happy to learn it?

Absolutely agree with white knight above with the camping. If you prepare properly, you should be good.

PTSD makes us go from zero to 100 in a click of a finger. Anger outbursts occur and although they may be directed at you, i doubt very much that they are deliberate and planned (i.e. from the heart). We say and do things that are just not true but because the anger comes on so thick and fast, we just explode.

Has he seen a psych as yet? What is the cause of the PTSD - this has to be addressed? (No point putting a band aid over a gash that needs stitching). Understand both sides of previous posts but medication worked for me, calmed me down a fair bit and although anger still boils up but they are less frequent and i can usually stop them before they happen (this is mindfulness at play - i have learnt to ground myself).

Keep working on baby steps then slowly make them bigger. Do you know much about PTSD? Perhaps do a bit of research or post a heap of questions here and we will answer them. Might give you an idea of what it is like. Not making excuses for hubby and his behavior but there is a quite a decent matter at play that is affecting his behavior and that is PTSD. As white knight points out, he is ill, quite substantially ill. The more you know about it, the better equipped you will be to assist.

Perhaps see the GP by yourself and get some tips, they are full of knowledge, search the beyondblue forums, search reputable websites for info, go and see a psych for info, the option to take your kids to a child psych if they are getting affected is there also.

You are not alone in this, no way, there are so many in your exact position so please keep fighting on. Hoping that in time, your hubby gets triggers under control.

As above, do not hesitate to post questions, only to happy to answer.

Good luck.

[Cornstarch]

I'm so glad medication worked for you MarkJT, I wish I was one of the lucky ones. Maybe because mine was childhood trauma and the brain was squishy then I missed out on the structures that help it work.

These bodies of ours are biological lottery's out there aren't they.

Sounds like you've had one hell of a journey.

Gosh I love a PTSD positive story it gives people hope.

[white knight]

Hi Cornstarch

Your opinions are valued, for sure.

However, if I can quote you

"People need strategies for when chemicals don't work because unfortunately for droves and droves of people they don't."

How many people do you know where medication doesn't work? Percentages perhaps?.

I agree with you, having strategies for when medication doesn't work is a good defence, a plan B if you must...fine idea. But what are these "strategies"? Please share them in more detail.

My original comment that sufferers of mental illness need a customised living plan means we all are different and need a plan to suit ourselves. Katie needs to seek answers on how to calm her husband down and short circuit any likelihood of a flare up.

Part of any mental health plan is...psychological treatment, GP visits and medication if prescribed. And if its prescribed by an appropriate medical professional it should be taken. Once commenced on that journey the goal is the right dosage.

Tony WK

[Cornstarch]

Of course medication should be taken, my god I would never say don't take medication, and everyone should seek professional advice from their own doctors/psychiatrists or who ever, and do what is best for their own health, and try everything that modern medicine has to offer. Why on earth wouldn't you.

But what happens when you do and nothing works, or like with me where it actually made my PTSD worse. It was horrible. Some people may have co-morbid conditions where it alleviates other symptoms, but I have never been offered medication for memories, nightmares, triggers and flashbacks that are most distressing part of my condition. Vigorous exercise, a good diet, years of mindfulness training and psychotherapy is the only thing that helps alleviate my symptoms. And only alleviate it does.

It's not just for PTSD, anxiety, and depression, but for conditions like my Mum's which is schizophrenia. The roller coaster we have been on after being promised and promised by doctors that this will work better for her, this time it will, just tweak this, just tweak that, and it doesn't. Utter despair.

Friends of mine their technical diagnosis, in that what is written on their file is "treatment resistant depression". One of them has literally tried every known cocktail to man and the only thing that semi-works is ECT and she doesn't want to have to do that for the rest of her life. What does she do when even the doctors say you have "treatment resistant depression". It's awful. She feels like she was given false hope when she could have been putting more of her energy into other therapies that collectively may have helped more.

And then someone else gets incredible results. Like the son of the dude that made one of the world's largest private donations to psychiatric research to The Broad Institute at MIT, was running through the subway in the depths of psychosis, to now being a practicing lawyer. I am so jealous for my Mum. I wish she got that sort of a result.

Unfortunately everyone has to try for themselves and take advice from their doctors. It must be heartbreaking for a doctor to tell a patient you have "treatment resistant depression".

[MarkJT]

Cornstarch, yep been on one hell of a journey that's for sure but I am thankful that i have been on it. It has made me who i am today. I am a success story that's for sure (and i fully realise how lucky i am to be relatively healthy again!!).

No doubt that childhood trauma and adult trauma are vastly different. Don't know (and not asking) what your trauma is but have you done exposure therapy or EMDR for it? Exposure worked brilliant for me and some mates are having great success with EMDR.

With the talk of PTSD puppies, two mates of mine have Assistance Dogs via Assistance Dogs Australia. They are absolutely amazing to see in work. Brilliant brilliant dogs. Kate, is your hubby a dog lover? I know I got closer to my dog post diagnoses and she sensed it as well.

[Cornstarch]

Ohhhhh I wish I could have a PTSD puppy. That's wonderful that they are able to access that resource I hope it gives them relief. Apparently they're very expensive to train etc.

Yeah early childhood trauma unfortunately is different when brains are squishy, easily moulded and un-developed. I wish it wasn't the way but as the trauma experts say the treatments for trauma are dependent on the age and type.

Mine was a violent assault involving a weapon at age 5, so "exposure" as such is out of the question. I simply cannot be re-exposed to that and no doctor wants to do that to me.

I tried EMDR for around 4-6 months I think it was, again it made me worse. The psychologist recommended we stop because she could see it was re-traumatising me.

Good luck.