How to ask my adult son if his older sister sexually assaulted him

[kanga7575]

I am absolutely horrified right now and am looking for advice on how to ask my 24 year old son if his sister sexually assaulted him when they were younger as well as forcing his little sister to engage in sexual activity while she watched !!! As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself this has brought up all sorts of questions as you could imagine as well as horrible memories of my abusive childhood. Not to mention my resolve as a mother and survivor to never allow anyone to hurt my kids in this way !! I cannot fathom for the life of me how I missed this ! I am so angry, sad, horrified. I feel robbed .. I just don't know where to start. I found this out about 2 days ago ... I have been in shock ever since. My youngest daughter has gone through so much trauma and it's all the just started to unravel at the age of 22 ... Our family has gone through so much trauma in recent years and I had put her admission into a psychiatric unit down to the loss of both grandfathers, being sexually abused along with other female step-sibling by my ex-partner's step-father and then being raped by her boss at her part time job at a fast food restaurant, then losing her father, an uncle, both grandmothers, a long term relationship breakdown, finding out he had gotten another girl pregnant only a few months later... The poor girl has been a mess ... Well is if that was not enough for a lovely young girl to take, she told me the worst thing of all ... I can't believe she has kept this inside all this time ! My son has also had a very troubled life, I asked my daughter if he was forced by the older sister and her memories are too painful to say too much ... So I have to ask him .. but how ? Please help ! Desperate, heartbroken mother

[white knight]

Hi Kanga, welcome

So sad, and I'm sorry to hear this news.

Our advice here is linited purely because we are peer advisors, ones with mental health issues but with the experience and ability to help others.

My own view here is you need to quickly seek professional help both personally and as for you and your daughter together.

With your son I'd hold off for a while, there is no need to rush in for answers until you get further down the repair journey with your daughter.

Now this is not meant to justify any actions but bare in mind that they were children not responsible adults and some sexual exploration is more common than what we think.

You as a parent could not be everywhete 24/7 so blaming yourself will be corrosive to your own well being.

Finally, as adults now your sin and hus sisters might well carry guilt over such actions and keeping the secrets. Such guilt is harmful and they might be living in fear if you finding out.

For this reason, you need patience and to tread carefully. Your objective is to repair the damage not add to it by being too reactive over what has been done a long time ago.

It all sounds like a horror story and it is but as parents we need to take the road that best serves our family long term.

Your care level proves you are a good mum.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

[Guest_1055]

Hello, oh my heart goes out to you and all your family. It is all so very sad. I cannot offer any advice to you. But wanted you to know I care. And I am so sorry.

Shelley

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi kanga7575,

It’s great to see you posting on the forum but I am sorry it’s in such a devastating set of circumstances. I am so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this.

Offering specific advise on the forum in this type of situation is very difficult due to the complex nature of the events. I concur with white knights suggestion in the earlier post of getting some professional support quickly. Are you or your daughter already engaged with any type of therapy? If so, make an appointment. If you are not, it would be important to make an appointment with your GP and seek advise on the best way forward in getting the right support in your community. A GP can give you a referral to someone such as a psychologist or counsellor and someone who has the right skills and experience to manage this type of trauma.

If seeing a Doctor is not achieveable in the short term, I would consider calling the support line 1 800 RESPECT and speak to someone there who will point you in the right direction.

Another option would be to make an appointment at your local headspace centre for your daughter as you don’t need a GP referral to speak to someone there in the first instance. To find out if there is a headspace centre in your community, visit the following the link. headspace is only available for young people between the ages of 12-25.

https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/

A whole of family approach would be important and making sure you all have someone to talk to is really important, even if each of you talk to someone separately. It sounds like your daughters and son have gone through a lot and you are there to support them. But I wonder, who is taking care of you? If you can’t find the time to get support for yourself you can always call the beyondblue support line on 1300 22 4636.

Other options to reach out for support for both you and your children include the following:

Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800
Lifeline on 13 11 14

I would recommend getting support to help you and your family untangle the trauma as soon as possible. People can and do heal from abuse. There are many people who are trained work with trauma and support recovery. Getting support on the forum throughout the process will be helpful on your journey towards healing.

You are not alone. The faster you and your daughters and son get some 1:1 support, the sooner healing can begin.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[Croix]

Dear Kanga7575~

As TonyWK and Nurse Jenn have emphasized getting skilled professional help for all your family is most important, and the one urgent thing to do. Each - you included -having such support is terribly important.

As it has only been two days since you found all this out I'd suggest firstly you take no action with your son and not, at this stage, ask questions. It may become clear once all have professional support what is wisest,

I'd imagine your youngest daughter needs to be accepting for this it happen too.

I'm also sorry at the deaths in your family, the grieving will have affected you all.

You are always welcome here , we do care and you are not alone

Croix

[Quercus]

Hi Kanga7575,

It has been a few days now since you posted and I was wondering how you are managing? There has been so much solid advice... Has any of it felt like something you could try?

I'm not a professional like Nurse Jenn so my gut response is probably wrong. But before reading other replies my gut said an option could be contacting your son to support YOU and tell him his sister needs his support too before explaining what has distressed you.

In my family I am always the last to know and the last to be asked for help or advice even if the problem involves me. It feels awful and is part of why I kept quiet about my problems. I feel like they think I am weak and useless anyway so asking for help is hard.

If you confide in your son perhaps he will feel able to confide in you also?

Just an idea but I'm wary of the fact everyone feels differently.

Please take care of yourself. Would love to hear how you are if you feel able to write.

Nat

[Thinking_never_stops]

It has been a while since you posted this. I hope everything worked out for you all. There is no where for a mum to turn in this situation. Such a hard situation when u love both children

[Thinking_never_stops]

It has been a while since you posted this. I hope everything worked out for you all. There is no where for a mum to turn in this situation. Such a hard situation when u love both children