Wife left me due to childhood trauma ptsd

[Printers]

Hi, the first five years of our relationship my wife suppressed her child abuse and put on a front and was still an amazing person but inside her she was turmoiled. She hates herself and has issues with food. She showed me deep love and we great, or I thought we were. After our child was born she developed anxiety that stemed from her childhood trauma and she sought professional help. She didn't want to pass on her trauma to our child and she had panic attacks. She still takes medication but during the last 5 years she grew distant as I was also dealing with the family courts for a child from my past that I have been estranged from since that child was one. I am a calm person but raised my voice/yelled a few words over a trivial argument but it triggers my wifes trauma and she emotionally vacated her feelings for me. I started to drink and lied about my drinking which triggered her even further. The stress of dealing with my estranged child and my wife was to much at times. My wife couldn't support me as she was dealing with her own issues. I tried to support her but she kept saying it was her own journey. Our relationship remained on life support but after sleeping separately for 2 to 3 years she recently said she doesn't love me any more and we are now in the process of separation. She is still attracted to me but has no feelings of love any more. Towards the end she explained to me the horrific things that she endured as a child and my heart broke for her. She says she wants the separation to remain permanent leading to divorce I guess. I'd be interested to know if anyone hear has had similar experiences me and my wife have had. This is sound destroying and all I wanted for us was to be a happy family. My wife continues to see her professional help, she knows how much I love her. Do you think maybe one day in the future she will heal enough to want me back?

Thank you

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Printers

I'm sorry your post has sat unanswered, sometimes posts get a bit lost, apologies. Thankyou for sharing your story, that must have been difficult. I really feel for you both having had to deal with so much.

I was only thinking today how awful it is, that childhood trauma can injure you then, and again later on. The impact can leave great fissures, so it's such a positive that your wife is getting help. I wish you all the best, but I don't have personal relationship experience in this area, so I'll leave it for others to respond.

Kind thoughts, Katy

[Croix]

Dear :Printers
I read \ you asked
" Do you think maybe one day in the future she will heal enough to want me back?"
Nobody can answer that any more than you can. You wife probably does not know the answer herself.
All she does know is that her present life is bringing back all the injury she suffered as a child , this being partly the pregnancy and child and partly the pressures of your court case over your own child by a previous marriage.
So she wants out.
Actually I'm afraid resorting to alcohol and shouting can have had a great effect, more than you can imagine on her.
I'm not blaming you in the slightest, you are under great pressure. I can understand sadly why you have drink as a coping mechanism and lie about it, Family Law is one of the great and terrible pressures one can face in life. As an ex-policman I've seen its effects too often. Please do not think becuse I understand I am condoning the drink, It will not help you or your case or marriage. -sorry to be blunt.
Your wife would be very fragile, the hurt and injury providing many trigger points and reminders, and while she had a stable and happy marriage with you to start with the child and court case have simply been too much.
The fact she opened up to you is a hopeful sign -though how she feels about it now I do not know. As least at the back of her mind she will know there is someone she can be honest with. Feeling able to continue to work is good too.
I am concerned about you, Sophie has give you a couple of places to go to, and I think they can only do you good. To be isolated and at sea simply makes matters worse.
Apart from that do you have any family or friends you can talk with frankly and lean on a bit. It makes a big difference as I found out if someone will listen with patience (I tended to say the same things over and over) and care -but not suggest impractical ideas on how things can be fixed.'
You are always welcome here. We do care
Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Printers

Warm welcome to the BB forums, though I'm sorry for the very sad reasons you came here.

I hope you find some support for what you're going through in this safe space.

It's been a few days since you first posted, so I'll just ask a few questions if you would be okay to share?

I wondered if the Family Court case with your previous ex over your child has completed? or if you're still going through this.

Also has your current wife sought professional MH support for her childhood trauma?

As Croix said, I don't think any one can tell you whether your wife will come back to you.
I echo Croix's words about drinking, yelling and lying having a potentially much deeper impact on any person than the other may realise.
In addition to this, childhood trauma is a very complex issue to deal with.

You haven't mentioned if you've both sought Marriage Counselling together or are even willing to attend this? No judgement there at all, you have all had so much going on!

My end point is for you to receive some support for yourself. You're facing alot atm and compounded by yet another separation of your family. This is a sad time indeed.

It would be so wonderful for you to have some one to talk to IRL, a professional person who may be able to assist you through this difficult time.

EM

[Printers]

Thank you for your responses. After a lot of soul searching and sleepless nights I'm in a better place. I've accepted that its over am now preparing for my "next chapter". I'm slowly reversing my feelings and consolidating how I feel. Its a period of adjustment that will take some time. I have a great support network and will focus on myself and our child. My ex wife and I will remain friends for the sake of our child. She still sees us as a family and wants to do family activities. Assessing our relationship from start to finish helped also, there were a lot of "ah ha" moments that now make sense. She's needs to be on her own to continue her healing. I know later down the path of life I'll rediscover happiness again.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey Printers

This is really great to read, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry it's difficult but you sound like you're in a good place mentally with things, which will sit you in good stead to go forward. Really wish you the best, and please feel free to reach out to the community here if you ever want to talk.

Katy