How should I feel?

[Guest_342]

Hi there.

My nephew is very sick and in palliative care. He has been sick his whole life and this time it is looking like we might need to say goodbye. We don't know for sure.

We have put our all into loving him and I have been very sad to see him suffer in the years since birth. I want his parents to have the happy lives they deserve with their other little one who they welcomed last year.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can feel I'm not thinking badly of him or devaluing him when I wish for his suffering to end? I know I've given him nothing but love but I have a guilty feeling weighing heavily on me for wanting to see the end. My dear brother is exhausted.

What thought processes are normal and how can I do the right thing by him in that regard? How should I feel if we lose him?

Even though this was inevitable and can't go on indefinitely, try as I might, I cannot seem to prepare emotionally for the time that we do eventually lose him, whenever that might be.

[socialmoth]

Hi Gelati

I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through right now and the pain you must be feeling.

I don't think there is ever a "normal" thought process when going through something like this. They way that you're feeling is completely understandable and if anything, it's probably more normal to feel conflicted - as you are feeling at the moment.

My cousin recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who only lasted 3 hours. We knew that this may happen, but you always go into the situation with positivity and hope that she might be better than what the doctor has indicated. It was the most difficult thing I have ever seen my cousin go through, however, seeing the state that her poor baby was in was incredibly difficult and I certainly had the feeling of wanting her suffering to end.

I don't think you should feel guilty for having these feelings as they come from a place of such good intention and love for your family. I think if you do eventually lose your nephew, all you can do is be supportive to your brother and be sure that you receive support as well. Doing some reading on handling grief may also help if you feel like you need some preparation.

[Matchy69]

Hi Gelati I am so sorry to hear your niece isn't doing to good.Like socialmoth said their is no normal how you feel how you prepare yourself and how you grieve.We all do it different and it doesn't matter how much we prepare it still is hard when it does happen.Their is nothing wrong with crying and their is nothing wrong with not crying.Just let yourself cope with the way that you want to.
Take care,
Mark.

[Guest_342]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Yes, that rings true with me - the feeling of cautious optimism earlier in his short life gave me some strength and joy at times. How tragic for your cousin - wishing them strength and family love and support.

My thanks also to Matchy for your kind words.

My nephew had all of us with him all afternoon today. How loved he is. I'm so thankful that this is happening when we don't have a lockdown and they can have visitors.

It's tiring not knowing when and knowing that grief will hit us randomly. But he looked comfortable today. Such beautiful staff at the kiddies' hospital.

[socialmoth]

I'm really glad to hear that Gelati - though he may be in pain it sounds like he has such an amazing family and I'm positive he feels that love.