Over the last few weeks I've been struggling. I've had moderately ok to even maybe good, and I've had really bad days.
Then last fortnight as I sat in my therapists office I told her I'd calculated that from the age of 11 to 16 the school teacher had abused me around twice a week over a 22 week period over four years. Then in yr 11:- 2 to 4 times a week over a 38 to 40 week period.
And that at college it was on a daily basis 5 days a week over a 40 week period.
Plus 2 other seperate times outside of school and then at 20 being raped.
I just couldn't and still can't wrap my head around that number. I'm not a genius at Maths in fact it was the subject I struggled with the most. So I asked my therapist was I over calculating.
Each person was a different occassion and each person abused me multiple times. So was each day it happened a singular attack or were they counted as a whole.
Over 599 times but less than 670 was the number we arrived at. Even being cautious I couldn't go lower than 500.
I told her my life is a mess. And if I told people I knew what had happened and how many times they'd think I was crazy.
And the nightmares are getting worse.
