How do I start

DontFail · ‎11-02-2020

Since 2011 throughout my marriage falling apart i have lived everyday with the mindset that regardless of what happens I can control myself and make the right decisions so that nothing will break me. It turns out, by fighting so hard for so long and never giving in I didn't realise, the whole time.. I've been breaking myself.. I didn't even see it coming, or if my measure of caution raised its head it was immediately chained and boxed away. To touch on 'events' that led me down this path basically I was manipulated and controlled into a state of what I see now as resigned submission.. due to spending any money or time on anything she didn't enjoy or want.. simply bullied out of doing healthy socialising with the few friends i had, giving away all sport, dozens of threatening calls if i was only minutes late home, to her more extreme threats of absolute destitution, screaming and threatening she'll go prostitute herself out on the streets while the kids live in a cardboard box, getting eventually to the point where she would threaten me with taking the lives of our kids if I wasn't home..i endured this for 2 years getting to the point when every single day I came home from work i was sick to the stomach with dred if the house was quiet fearing what lay ahead, . Fast forward 5 years and several jobs I am incapable of addressing financial issues through outright torment, i don't know how much debt I'm in, 2 maxed out cancelled credit cards,Ive been scared to do my tax since 2013 through shame and fear, i don't answer my phone and i ignore all mail through fear..i seem only to be able to manage the necessities for the kids of house, food, car and school. I'm absolutely exhausted, frustrated, scared, sickened, confused. I can't lose my job, I am scared of going to prison and I definitely don't want any medication. My kids deserve me winning this fight as much as i do..I need to find a way to win against myself. Must win.

PamelaR · ‎12-02-2020

Hi Don't Fail and welcome to our community

Thank you for sharing your story. It isn't nice though is it. Being manipulated and bullied is awful and no one should have to endure it. I'm not sure I've read it properly, - are you separated from your partner?

From what you've said, there are lots of things happening for you - emotionally and financially. There is a lot of help out there if you're up to seeking it. At the moment though is sounds like you just want a friendly ear to hear what you've been going through over the years and how it's all come tumbling down around you. I understand how you feel about what you've experienced. My mother was manipulating and twisted personality. The PTSD that I've been left with raises it's head all the time. The memories are painful and tormenting. My hand goes out to you to give you support through your fear and anxiety. Being scared is normal because what you've experienced is literally frightening. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Something you said - 'I need to find a way to win against myself'. When I was hurt so much I did silly things in my life, such as drinking to excess, going out all night. This of course affected my work performance and I had to be reprimanded. It was a wake up call for me and I started on the road to recovery from my childhood abuse.

It isn't a easy road but it does sound like you want to start your journey. Would that be right?

Kind regards

PamelaR

DontFail · ‎01-03-2020

Hi PamelaR... thank you so much for responding..It's very easy to fall into isolation and exile when it feels like no one can help.. I only have a few very close friends and absolutely forbid myself to reaching out to them in fear of being shunned not through their lack of friendship and understanding but more through their inability to take on any of my burden.. yes even by talking with my closest friends about this I truly feel as though I will be a burden.. so in short once again.. thank you.. to answer one of your questions, NO I am definitely not in the marriage any longer.. once I got to the point where I couldn't stand the breathe the same air, I knew the decisions I were to start making were gong to be very risky and life changing.... but..i pushed on knowing that by breaking the 'family' unit apart and really upsetting the children, their long term mental health was all that it was about . That environment certainly was not healthy and could have got even worse.. I have managed to protect my kids through all of this.. although add I've touched on... I have failed to protect myself. There is definitely damage there, it's the cause of so much dysfunction.. so much so, I don't know how or where to start..I wish it could all magically disappear but I also know that only I can help myself.. do I go to counseling.. do I search for a diagnosis, will this help with what support may be available.. if i start pursuing this to move forward, I feel like I will be exposed and captured and imprisoned, losing my kids... if I can remedy everything with no body knowing, that is what I want.. please feel free to recommend a starting point... is there really help out there for me where I won't be punished and I will be supported to build a structured plan to climb out of these crushing jaws..??

Paw Prints · ‎02-03-2020

Hello Don't Fail,

Welcome to BB & well done for reaching out, taking that first step can be so hard. There are services out there that can help you with your mental health & your current financial difficulties.

A good first starting point is your GP. Most GP's are experienced with helping people with mental health issues receive the support they need & can organise medicare subsidized counselling for you.

The BB support phone line is also an good starting point, they can advise & direct you to services in your area. which may include financial counselling/assistance services. The No. is 1300 224 636 they are available 24/7.

As you realised when you made the decision to leave your marriage, things can continue to worsen unless we make the effort to change them. This also applies to your financial situation, please try & be open to asking for financial counselling. If you show a genuine effort to try to sort out your financial issues, most institutions will be supportive of you & a way through can be found. Having a financial plan in place would also be of benefit to your mental health.

You don't have to make the changes alone, the support services are there to help us on our journey. The scariest part is starting, but it does get better.

These forums are a safe place for us all to share our journeys & support each other in a non-judgmental way. I'm always happy to listen if you need to talk.

Take care

Paws