broken husbands lasts words this is your fault.

[Guest_5342]

I was broken we were broken we were so in love but I love became toxic however came to codependent each other. Leading up to his death he became more and more violent I was nearly escaping with my life our children we're seeing things and doing things that they should not have been doing I become so scared his man with in so much pain he wanted me to feel all these pain he blames me for his pain. The day he took his life I was scared it was drunk how much the kids in the car drive to McDonald's to getaway I was copying text message and phone calls of abuse. I answered this will be my last he said this is your fault I heard a few breath and Silence he was never silent. I sat there for a moment as he threaten is a lot then I decided to call him back and call him back I was home within 3 minutes 3 minutes since that phone call that the children and herd. I felt sick I parked the car halfway up the driveway and went to the shed he was there I was scared I thought some reason he still want to hurt me I got back in my car reversed it lock my doors and ran out to help him without the kids seeing. Since this moment my life I've been destroyed domestic violence I had received was extreme but knowing the last words why is this all my fault ruined me as person. My mind don't work anymore I'm so broken I tried really hard my babies kept me going keep me going. I tried to take my own life because every part of me felt like I wasn't good enough for my children and they definitely deserve better how do I get to be better. I'm scared I can't leave my house anymore I have no friends no family I want to move away but I don't even know where to go I don't know where home is anymore. Surround myself with toxic people because I don't like myself. I love my kids I want them to see the best version of me I want my kids to be the best version of themselves. Is there any help a rehab clinic I can take at least my son with me I need help to be able to sleep at night to be able to feel like I'm good enough again to be able to make friends to be able to live a normal life. I loved him I don't understand why he would hurt me I wouldn't have hurt him

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_5342,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this evening and are sorry to hear about these experiences you've gone through and are still struggling with. Please know that you are not alone in this - we hope that you find our forums to be a welcoming and supportive space to talk through your journey. Our community is here for you. We are sending you a private message to offer some additional support.

Feel free to keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel like it.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Guest_5342,

Welcome to the forums. I am really glad that you joined us and decided to post. I feel incredibly sad for what you've had to go through both during your relationship and now after with all of the trauma. It is devastating to hear the way he treated you.

If there is just one thing you can take from this post I want it to be a reminder that none of what happened is your fault. You did not deserve this. I'm also going to repeat this for omph - it's not your fault.

I can tell by your post the immense amount of inner strength that you have trying to keep yourself safe and the way that you've cared and looked after your kids. I do not see you as broken at all - quite the opposite. I personally feel like now that you are safe this is really an opportunity to know that your life can be (and should be) different. You don't have to be treated this way anymore - all of this has ended now.

While I'm not aware of any good rehab clinics, I do want to suggest some counselling. It's not the same - but maybe better in the sense that it's not trying to give you a quick fix but rather help you and your children long term.

I hope that you'll find some support in these forums. Thank you again for being here and deciding to post.

rt

[Croix]

Dear Guest_5342~

I'm only going to say thngs you will have thought of -and discarded. I'm going to do that becuse if someone else says them to you they may become more real, more near the truth and have a little glimmer of meaning for you.

If the words become too painful there no need to read them, just close this page.

Your own words were:

"was scared I thought some reason he still want to hurt me I got back in
my car reversed it lock my doors and ran out to help him without the
kids seeing"

You thought he might still hurt you, you protected your kids, you went back.

That is bravery, that is thinking of your kids, that is fronting up to try help after everything. The core of a human being does not get any better than that. Your kids are lucky to have you, your husband was too even though he did not act or realise it. You are a person others can value.

His was the ultimate and deliberate cruelty.

It is a sad fact of human nature that if one is treated badly over a long period of time one comes to believe one is unworthy, guilty, possibly even is getting what one deserves. My words won't stop that even though it is completely untrue.

I think RT above has the right idea, therapy over time can help to restore you to a much better place with less guilt, some confidence in yourself and the realization you and your kids deserve a loving relationship. They do exist you know, I've been blessed wiht two during my life.

You will be welcome here always

Croix

[Hutch86]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Just remember it is not your fault.

You will heal and feel normal again. It takes time.