My depressed partner wants a break from our relationship

[Rosebud2020]

I am in a same sex, long distant relationship. Usually we only get to see each other about once a fortnight.I am medicated for anxiety and she tells me she suffers from depression but I suspect it is also PTSD. We were so happy in our first 4 months. In the beginning she told me about a time she was sexually abused as a child and that she also struggles to let people touch her and that she prefers to be the giver in the bedroom. A few weeks into our relationship she was happy with me touching her. Until 4 months in when she (maybe jokingly) said that I was being selfish in the bedroom so a few days later I started being more aggressive (in a good way). She wasn't into it so we stopped. After that, her sex drive tanked and we have been on a downward spiral ever since and she would jump when I would touch her. I figured she was just super ticklish. It has taken me 3 months to realise that I triggered her that day in bed. I realised only after she we were having a great week talking on the phone every night then the day before she was suppose to come visit me, I commented on her gorgeous thighs and she suddenly went emotionally cold again. And she cancelled our visit. She said she was sick but I think she was lying to me. She told me a week ago that she has trust issues with me. But I have never understood the boundaries or trigger till now. She never communicated with me about what was upsetting her. She said she wanted to go on a break. I supported her decision and went quiet for 5 days. Then I messaged her and suggested that I come to her town next week for a coffee. She exploded with anger and said that I have blown her trust gain and that I have now ruined us and will never get that trust back. I explained that we didn't state an mount of time for the break. And then I said that I will go off the radar for 2 weeks then check in on her and that if by then she still needs space I will go away again until she is feeling better. Any advice please? Is this relationship salvageable?

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Rosebud2020,

Wow, it sounds like you are going through a tough time. It is great you have reached out here on the forum as it is a safe place where you can speak your mind and hopefully gain some support during this time. Having someone pull away can be for so many different reasons and sometimes we never really know what another person is feeling or thinking. The best advise I can offer is to give it time and most importantly, during that time, take care of you. You mentioned you struggled with anxiety in your post and these types of situations can often make symptoms grow if not kept in check. I wonder how you are going through all of this? Do you have someone you trust that you can talk to?

Often when people are waiting for another person to work out what they want or need, it is a good strategy to build your own resilience and strength. This could be taking on a new challenge or hobby, doing something you have been putting off for a while, or just taking some small self care steps like reading a book or going for regular walks. Distraction doesn't have to be in the form of pacing and overthinking while you are waiting for your partner to work things out, distraction techniques can be productive, and even fulfilling.

I cannot answer whether your relationship is salvageable. But it sounds like you have insight into what you want and are very perceptive to your partners health and needs. Offering space is a strong message of support, even if you are not there beside her. Using this time to work on you is so important. I wonder if you have anything in mind that will help you get through this time?

If you feel comfortable, please continue to share, post and read across the forum. There are so many people listening and reading. You are not alone.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn