PTSD in a partner

[Nevada]

Hi there,

This is all very much new to me. I was in a loving long distance relationship with my partner for 11 months. Everything was great, we had made plans for one of us to move countries, communication was great literally went from I love you to the next day she suddenly text me, yes TEXT (we are in our 30's and previously spoke about the importance of proper communication) to break it off. Said there were no issues and nothing to work out and also nothing more to talk about. Her previous relationship was extremely abusive in every way possible and I always tried to support her the best I knew. She suffered from anxiety and depression and was on antidepressants, which she later told me she was drinking a bottle of wine a night with them. She was working an extremely stressful and time consuming job where I would try to encourage her to take a break and look after herself. She had a pending court case where she would have to stand against her ex for the horrendous things he did to her.

We didn't talk for 3 weeks then got back talking, she admitted to the drinking and being overwhelmed and not feeling herself and numb. I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells and didn't want to trigger anything again. We had conversations about me moving over there which she later denied saying etc. All while this occurred it spurred up some anxiety I didn't even know existed in myself, I sought the help of a therapist to try and navigate this. She sees a therapist but never mentioned our relationship or the drinking on her meds. When I said I wanted to fly to the states to check on her, she shut down again and went MIA.

I'm reaching out to see if all of this behavior sounds characteristic of someone who has experienced trauma and PTSD and if cutting out relationships when overwhelmed. I love her dearly and don't want to give up on someone if they are not at their best but also understand I can't "fix" her.

Thanks in advance

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Nevada,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

You sound like such a caring person who really wants to help out ...... but unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

One of the things that kind of 'jumped out' at me, what where you said she is drinking while taking medication. This is a big concern and she could well be doing more harm than good. Alcohol is a depressant and when mixed with anti-depressants ......... well, it's really not a good mix at all.

I have heard SO MANY people in recovery (I myself have been sober for 23 years now, and also have had PTSD) talk about how they drank while taking antidepressants and how bad it was.

Maybe you could recommend that she seek help for her drinking and her PTSD, by seeing her doctor and/or a counselor? Of course, she may not want to hear that, but at least by making the suggestion that she get some more help, she will realise at some level that you want to help her.

As for whether or not it is 'characteristic' of someone with PTSD ..... well, I am not a professional by any means so I wouldn't really like to 'conclude' that it is or isn't. What I can tell you is that I myself have certainly experienced an 'ebb and flow' of sorts when dealing with my own PTSD. I would be okay one minute, and then messy as anything the next. I felt like I had no control over my thoughts and feelings or where they would take me. Well, not until I got help anyway.

In the meantime, it's great that you got some help and support for yourself. Keep up with looking after yourself and who knows, maybe that example of self care that you are setting will rub off on her?

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not? I hope it does help a little.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Lu_luck]

Nevada, what a kind soul you are!!! She seems like she has alot on her plate and dealing with complex mental health issues. It sounds like she has post trauma from her past violent relationship moreso than PTSD. And whilst you want to support her through this; be clear that it's just on a friend's bases if that's what your heading for. I'm all for supporting people who are struggling but also feel I must offer advice on protecting those who maybe potential collateral damage

[Nevada]

Thanks for the warm welcome Soberlicious96!!

It has definitely been a whirlwind but I just can't stop my gut feeling that she is pushing me away because of either emotional blunting from her meds and drinking or there has been a trigger somewhere along the lines. She has cut off all communication from and said some pretty hurtful/untrue things. I'm in Australia and she is in America so it's difficult for me to lead by any example for her to get help etc.

I just refuse to believe that this is her 'usual' self. In your own experience with PTSD have you experienced numbing or memory loss etc and how long could the 'ebb and flow' periods last? It's like she has become 'obsessed' with her trauma and taken on a very selfish with a lack of empathy approach, if that makes sense. I'm not at all saying she shouldn't be selfish after what she's been through, but somewhere along the lines what we communicated about our relationship and what was next in life seems to have been thrown out the window and she's a completely different person.

This definitely helps, so thank you!! Just being able to talk about it without getting told to "get rid of her" or "forget about her" is so so helpful.

Thanks again

[Nevada]

Thanks for your reply Lu luck!

She definitely has more than a lot going on and I always felt I tried to support in a positive way on those 'worse' days than others and I was in it for the long haul.

What do you mean by post trauma more so than PTSD, what is the difference there?

Unfortunately I am not even able to offer support as a friend, after saying I wanted to fly to America to check on her/have a fact to face like an adult about our relationship, she cut me off completely.

I know it's not up to me to get her help or fix her and I just need to commit to looking after myself, I still just sometimes struggle to comprehend how we ended up here.

Thanks for your reply

[Soberlicious96]

HI Nevada,

Am glad my post helped you out a little. Always makes me feel good to know I'm doing at least one small thing right!

In answer to your question of: "have you experienced numbing or memory loss etc and how long could the 'ebb and flow' periods last?" Yes, I most certainly have experienced numbing (as in, my emotions) and the 'ebb and flow' stuff coming and going for a LONG time. And I do mean YEARS. Recovering from PTSD, in my experience anyway, is not a quick matter. And for some people it changes them forever. They can never return to who they were before the trauma. It's almost as if trauma changes the brain, and therefore the 'personality' along with it.

I was quite the confident, happy, popular child in primary school, before all the trauma started. But then, when the trauma began I became more and more withdrawn ....... and then of course, in my teen years the drugs and alcohol took over and turned me into a careless, dishonest, abusive, promiscuous, manipulative, angry, dangerous drunk, who cared about no-one and nothing, not even myself. On the outside, I tried to show that I thought I was better than you/everyone else, but underneath, I thought so little of myself that I should be wiped off the bottom of your shoe ..... like you would with dog poo. It was such an AWFUL way to live but until I was actually able to stop and see how much I was hurting - myself and those around me - and got help, it was like I just had no control over my thoughts and emotions at all.

PTSD and the trauma that caused it, can be way more terrifying and paralyzing than people realise. It's an incredibly difficult one to deal with and if the 'facade' is threatened in any way, and the walls are not ready to come down, then it can do more harm than good.

Just let her know that, should she change her mind and decide that she does want help, that you will be there for her. No conditions, and no timetable. Not easy, I know, but perhaps for now, that's the best thing to do? Just knowing you are there for her anyway, may well go a long way toward her realising that it's okay to let someone in.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Take care. I'll still be thinking of you. xo