History repeats...?

[Emlm]

I’m currently on my second stay in a private mental health hospital. First stint started in October, spent most of December at home and was re-admitted New Year’s Eve. I’ve had my 13th ECT today and feel like I’m getting better but there’s a pretty big obstacle that is interfering with my progress.

my mother, as much as I love and appreciate her I have no idea how to let her no that her actions and talk is really making it hard to get better. And I’m worried for my daughters mental health. My partner works away, so the kids are staying with my parents while I’m in hospital. My mum favours my son, he can do no wrong (13yrs). Whereas my daughter (11yrs) gets in trouble for anything and everything. Even the looks she receives from my mum breaks my heart. It was similar growing up between myself and my older brother.

i have tried all different ways of addressing this issue, 11 years of it. One time after she was really nasty to my daughter I got very upset and I exploded. My mum told me she might as well kill her self.... I can’t deal with that.

i don’t no what I’m supposed to do to make her see that she’s being absolutely horrible, and unfortunately I’ve seen physical marks on my daughter too. My mum was abused by her father.... but that gives her zero right to do this to my little girl. My partner wants to say something, but if he does it’ll probably be the last time they talk. He won’t sugar coat it. My dad protected me growing up, and he does the same for my daughter, but my mum rarely does it around him.

shes my mum, I shouldn’t have to protect my daughter from her. I don’t no what to do, is there a way I can get her to see what she’s doing? I’ve gone weeks/ months not talking to her before. Nothing changes. My priority is my children. I need to get better so I can get home. This is setting my anxiety off the charts. 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emlm,

We really appreciate you sharing your story here and are sorry to hear that you are worried about your daughter’s mental health. Please know that we take reports of abuse seriously. Our Support Service is trying to reach you via email as we are concerned about your children’s wellbeing.

If feel like your daughter or son may be in immediate danger, please call 000. If not, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is another great resource that offers support about how to best assist people experiencing abuse and family violence.

Check back in and let us know how you’re going when you feel up to it.
 

[Idkme]

Hi emlm

its great to hear from you but not so great circumstances, I hope things get better for you soon.

You should always trust your instincts... tell the staff at the hospital, if you feel she’d be safer in temporary care then do it. You really don’t need the added worry while in the circumstances you are in.

Sometimes an enquiry from an outside source can be good too. Maybe you have a friend that could pop in and see how your daughter is going, or have a quick call with her?

It’s quite natural to be protective of your children. It’s great that you care. Remember to take care of yourself too. The better you heal the more you can be there for your kids.

Best of care,

[Emlm]

I have fantastic nurses, but I’m scared to tell them. It’s more emotional the way my daughter is treated. My daughter knows she has to be on her best behaviour while at her Nanna’s. I don’t want it to turn into a big mess, I want to somehow make her see what she’s doing. My partner gets home tomorrow and will collect the kids.... I’m hoping to be discharged Monday after ECT.... the nurses keep asking if I’m ok... seems like they have a sixth sense. I feel like I’ll be opening a big can of worms.

[Idkme]

What are you afraid of? Isn’t the nurses job to help you? Maybe you would help them feel relieved to know you are opening up? You could always write some notes before you spoke to them, ie explain to them that you ‘only want to talk’ or get some validation on your worries.... after all it seems like you have a plan.

i hope you get the courage to speak up.

Let us know how things progress.

[Idkme]

Hi emlm,

i should add some clarity on previous message after re-reading it.... I meant the first part to be ‘encouraging’, not condescending or an attack.... I hope you didn’t think me harsh.... it definitely wasn’t my intention. You do what feels best for you... after all you know yourself and your situation better than anyone else....

just thought I’d clarify that.... best wishes to you and your family.

[PamelaR]

Hi Emlm and a very warm welcome to our community forums

It's good to see you've found your way here. Life sounds incredibly difficult at the moment. Being in hospital and away from your children is difficult, let alone having them looked after someone you don't trust.

Great to hear your partner gets home tomorrow and is able to pick up your children.

I'm don't know what your culture background is. Sometimes cultures are very family oriented and will find what I suggest is not feasible. I realise in some ways she provides support for you and your children, however, that support may not be healthy it could be dysfunctional.

When you are feeling better, maybe think about how you are going to manage your relationship with your mother. From someone who had a mother with narcissist tendencies, then everything you've said, shouts very loudly at me. I cut off all relationships - it was the only way I could survive.

She completely damaged both my brothers by her behaviours. My life was influenced by many others thank goodness so I was able to make much better choices in life.

Please feel free to join discussions that suit your situation. Keep reaching out Emlm, you're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Ayisha]

Hi Emlm

Maybe you could have a voice with your mother, through a letter. This would give you an opportunity to express your concerns and opinions. Don't hold back, just tell her how it is. However you want too look at it, i believe, your daughter is suffering childhood trauma. Very damaging to her self-worth and soul. Perhaps even, you could get your GP involved and ask them what services are available in this field. Perhaps you need to ask your mother to attend counselling sessions about this very important matter.

My love and thoughts are with you, but more with your daughter!!!! (I am a fragmented person from early childhood trauma)

[Emlm]

I would like to thank you all for your replies. I’m home with my children. Unfortunately I don’t have the strength to confront my mother. I’m not strong enough at the moment. I think the best thing to do is to cut her out of our lives as much as I can. Though I have to do it as gently as possible. In the past when I’ve opened up to her about the way she treats my daughter,she’s told me she’ll just kill her self. She has attempted it before and I’ve been the one who had to deal with it a few years ago, and when I was around 16/17 she attempted it I got the blame from her.

I cant deal with it. I won’t let my daughter deal with it so I just have to distance ourselves. Means I can’t relasp, I need to get better. Which feels so hard at the moment

[Idkme]

Hi emlm,

I’m glad to hear you are home and safe.

You are the best judge of what’s best for you. I understand the complications involved with the pressure of a manipulative mother.... it puts a lot of pressure on your soul, it’s a form of abuse that’s very hard to deal with... emotional abuse at its most difficult. The most important thing is to keep you and your family safe.

I hope this difficult situation creates a positive response in the fact that it will drive you to look after yourself and give you motivation to care for yourself. You sound like you’ve got that as a strong drive to survive, which is great and encouraging.

Your family is very lucky to have someone who loves and cares for them so deeply. It’s great that you are aware of how your mother operates.

Being aware of the manipulation your mother operates will put you a few steps in front (hopefully) but it’s very helpful having a counsellor to talk to that isn’t related and can help from a purely external perspective. I hope you continue to get that assistance and support.

this forum is also a great place to express the complications of having a controlling/abusive parent so feel free to express the complications here as they arise, or seek support.

Glad you’re home safe.